Hot Rod's Guide to Surprise Parties

By Hot Rod 

From the OYIT Vault:

Surprise parties are the most fun of all parties except stripper parties. But surprise parties are free and the strippers know your mom and will rat you out for smoking cigarettes. There are five key ingredients to throwing a good surprise party. Once you have those, get them all together in one area and then this is what you do:


1. Put on the blindfold. People will really believe it’s a surprise if you’re surprised yourself. This way if you have a blindfold on you wont see the person coming into the party and they might even think you’re kidnapped, which would be even more surprising.


2. Leave the freezer pops on the kitchen table. You don’t have time to drink any juice from unfrozen freezer pops yet – you’re throwing a surprise party. Get your mind out of the gutter.


3. Buy lots of beer with the money you took. If you buy the beer with someone else’s money, you can’t get in trouble for having it by the cops. All you have to say is, “I am not in legal possession of this beverage or its container, your honor”. It’s like garlic to a vampire.


4. Turn up the White Snake as loud as the cassette player goes. It’s too hard to be quiet for a long time, especially if you’re listening to White Snake and you really want to shout “Rock and Roll!” The problem is that if you’re shouting about White Snake, and living life, then the person wont be surprised because they know how much White Snake rocks too. And they’ll know you’re there. If the music is all the way up then they will be confused – like maybe they’re walking into a scene from a horror movie. This is where the fake blood comes in.


5. You’ve already made five gallons of fake blood from ketchup and cat blood. It should be over there in the corner by the couch. When the person comes in, pour the bucket of fake blood all over the couch. This will be hard to do because you will be blind-folded, so you might want to practice beforehand with water or just cat blood. Once the couch is covered in fake blood, the surprise party has begun. At this point you can take off your blindfold, and get some unfrozen freezer pops from the kitchen.


6. If the person calls the police just tell the cops when they get there, “Surprise, your honor!” And the surprise party law goes into effect. They’ll leave you alone like holy water and vampires. My dad taught me about the law. He died in prison.


So how does it feel to have thrown a rockin’ surprise party? It’s kind of wet, I know. You can wear a garbage bag next time to keep you dry. Just make sure you empty out the garbage first because sometimes garbage is wet too. Remember kids – don’t try this at home! Unless you want to throw a surprise party, then you should do what I wrote. Surprise!