Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XIV]

By Katy

Hi Katy,
I just became a vegetarian and all I eat is riblets. I used to eat at Subway all the time and listen to Blind Melon as I chewed delicious sandwiches. Now all I do is eat riblets and iron my shirts. Can you share with me some recipes or point me in the right directions of being healthy?
-Ryan Riblet

Hi Ryan,

Becoming a vegetarian shouldn't greatly effect your enjoyment of Blind Melon whilst chewing delicious sandwiches. I happen to be a very big fan of colby jack cheese sandiwches with some romaine, onion, and a touch of yellow mustard or pesto spread. Perhaps some sprouts now and again. Toss in a little pepper jack to spice things up. And Subway already has you covered... they have a vegetarian sandwich they'll charge you $4 for despite being able to make the very same thing at home twenty times over for $4. But they roast it and stuff.

I don't really believe in sharing recipes.

A.) My recipe box is in my head, right where it belongs so no one eats delicious Katy food but this gal.

B.) Sharing recipes takes me back to a time when women stood around the kitchen baking, barefoot and pregnant, until their husbands came home to cram that food down their faces without even tasting the hard work and spam that went into it, farted, then went outside to drink whiskey with "the boys" and complain about President Eisenhower while the women stayed behind, in their kitchens, picking up the shattered remains of their happiness, diginity, and favorite China serving dish. I realize you're probably too young to remember these times, but trust me, they weren't pretty.

If you want to be healthy you're going to have to show inititive. I'm here for counsel and advice, but I can't drag you the gym and make you do twenty minutes of solid eliptical work. I just don't have the time.

Hi Katy,
My TV is broken. I don't nkow if it's worth getting fixed, or if people even fix TVs anymore. Maybe that was something from the 50s when TVs cost $400 and $400 was worth $45,000. Anyway, how am I supopse to watch my stories if I don't have a TV? What are some good TVs? Should I get a flat one or do they even make the flat ones anymore? I'm no TV technician, which is why I'm writing this question to you in the first place. Save me Katy!
-Tammy (not a) TV Technician

Hi Tammy,

I don't know anything about TVs. I only use mine to play video games once every four months. You know where you can get a TV? My apartment. I'm getting a projector soon and will no longer have any need for the twenty year old TVs I have piling up in my place. If you want my advice, you'll get a projector, and here's why.

TVs are stupid. I mean, they can be great and all, but they're getting more and more difficult to repair. There are plenty of people out there that still repair TVs, it's just now they look at them, shrug, charge you $557.43 and return to their Xbox 360s in their lavished condos.

Therefore, great places to get TVs include:

• My apartment
• Goodwill
• Other consignment shops/buildings
• Your neighbor's garage
• A hotel room (this will only work if your credit card/ID is not the one on file)
• Your mother's basement (Please also see: Corner Pawn Store/Crack House Consignment).
• Elementary schools (after dark)

Really, if you don't want to spend the money on a new TV, your best option is to make some friends at the local nursing home. Learn to play gin and start visiting some old people; they'll be watchin' some stories. Enjoy your new found old person small.

Hi Katy,
How are you doing today? It seems like everybody is talking about World Cup Soccer this and Stanley Cup that. When are people going to learn that sports are nothing but unhealthy competition that tears the world apart into various sports teams? I wish we could just come together and hug. I would hug you Katy, because you give great advice and you're probably cuddly. Anyway, while I don't agree with sports, I'm firmly behind gambling. Do you have any hot picks for the World Cup or should I just ask some Mexican or African dude who they think will win? They'll probably go with Mexico or Africa, but what if they were right?
-Soccer Samuel

Hi Samuel,

They're most likely to be right. I can see your grievance with the whole country (and world) being preoccupied with various sporting teams and such, but I think you should also realize that a lot of your point-of-view is strictly from being an American. Yes, I know that the Irish and English and Hispanics and Canadians can go nuts over their respective teams and sporting country pride, but American's lives revolve around sports. We find our worth in how many times Brett Farve can come out of retirement. Now that's clearly stupid.

But the World Cup? The World Cup is a wonderful time of year when everyone can get together. WheN Americans can pretend they actually give a shit about soccer and all of a sudden friends who have mocked my soccer love for years are taking time off work to watch 'the' game at the Londerer. Assholes. If there's any sport that can take the delicate balance of sports team pride and toss it all together with the love we have for our fellow brothers and sisters in other countries and then yellow card it, it's soccer.

Was that the point? What was the point.... well I'm certainly cuddly, that's for true. Umm... I feel like this was suppose to go somewhere but I just really don't know where. Oh, oh, right. Ask a Brazilian, African, and an Iranian who's going to win the World Cup -- gamble on whatever best out of 3 is. Good luck.