Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XIII] G-ma Edition

By Katy

Hi Katy,
I have never seen a good movie in my life. I grew up on a commune and we didn't have a TV. Then when I went to college I saw a few movies that my roommate had, but they were terrible! Since then I strayed away from motion pictures, but people seem to like them quite a big. I feel you seem to watch a few movies over the course of a year, so maybe you could give me a recommendation or two (but let's not go crazy, I don't want to overload myself).
-Film Flam

Hi Flam,

Flam. I don't just watch a few movies a year. I watch a shit-ton of movies a year (please see urbandictionary.com for the shit-ton conversion table). Now, you may have noticed on my Friday previewz that I seem to adhor and detest every piece of trash that trickles out of Hollywood, but I mostly hate every piece of trash that has trickled out of Hollywood in the last few years (with some minor exceptions).

I'm going to give you two recommendations of movies I don't love, but just kinda like. They're movies I think everyone should see, but I don't exactly rate them in my top ten. You can't handle my top ten.

Jawbreaker (Rated R for raunchy).

Jawbreaker is a film from 1999 starring Rose McGowan, Julie Benz, Rebecca Gayheart and also starring Carol Kane and Judy Greer with a special cameo from McGowan's then lover, Marilyn Manson. A creepy, creepy cameo. And I mean creepy for Manson. I don't normally find Manson creepy, but in this movie he's some greased-up, lonely guy at a bar and you have to watch him plow McGowan with this creepy-ass grin on his face.

Anyway, the movie starts off with Shayne (McGowan), Marcie (Benz), and Julie (Gayheart), three of the four most popular girls at school, kidnapping their friend Liz (THE most popular girl at school) to take her out for her birthday. Shayne shoves a jawbreaker in her mouth and OOPS! She dies in the trunk of the car before pancakes. Instead of responsibly telling an adult they just murdered their BFF, Shayne bullies the other girls into covering it up. They put Liz back in bed, set up a rape scene, and deal with the police and their guilt (or Shayne and Marcie's nonchalance) for the next few weeks. Julie can't stand what they've done and she confides in the hot drama kid. With Julie kicked out of the group for having a soul, there's a spot open for the super lame, super invisible, super nerdy Fern (Greer), a girl who stumble upon this murder set up, to take her place. It's fuckin' nuts.

Legend (Rated PG for adiences of fantastical ages).

This may seem like a cop-out, but the synopsis on the back of my VHS tape for this movie is so perfect, I feel like writing my own would darken its perfect memory. Here ya go:

Tom Cruise stars in this visually stunning fantasy adventure in which pure good and evil battle to the death amidst spectaculat surroundings. Set in a timeless mythical forest inhabited by fairie, goblins, unicorns and mortals, the fantastic story has Tom Cruise, a carefree forest dweller, chosen by fate to undertake a heroic quest. He must save a beautiful princess, Mia Sara, and defeat the demonic Lord of Darkness, Tim Curry(!!), or the world will be plunged into a never-ending ice age...

That synopsis does fail to mention that Tim Curry is awesome and even though he plays the son of the devil and even though he's like a thousand years old now, I would totally do him.

Hi Katy,
I'm not scientist, but I could have b een if my perants would have told me I could be anything besides a janitor at a women's prison. Should I go back to school and get a degree in science?
-Samuel Science

Hi Science,

My parents never told me I could be a janitor at a women's prison. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Wait. Shh. What's that? Hear it?

Samuel Science...
Samuel Science
Sam...uel...

Yep. That sounds like job security calling your name.

Women have been breaking the year for a long time. Probably longer then men. Remember when God made a law not to eat anything from the Tree of Good or Evil (Remember when God had like, the lamest imagination for naming things ever)? And what happened? Fuckin' Eve broke that fucking law, didn't she? Ever since then women have had an inherient need to do what is wrong, and that will never change. Science? Science changes ever day, man. Growing up I was pretty sure Pluto was our ninth planet. What is science telling me now? I don't know because I'm from Illinois and the state in its entirity has chosen to ignore science and continue believing that Pluto is the ninth planet, but I think you get my drift here. Everyone and their baby daddy wants to be a scientist. But you, Sammy. YOU are doing what is needed and what is important, and that's keeping blood and piss off the cell block floor. You're a true hero. I wouldn't change a single thing about that.

Hi Katy,
I just watched the movie Throw Momma From the Train and I have a few questions. First, do you think the pairing of Danny DeVito and Billy Crystal was good? I thought DeVito with Arnold was way funnier. They were "Twins" but they didn't look anything alike, which I found pretty funny. Second, the titular momma was gross and everything, but did they really need to kill her? Maybe they could have just drugged her. I even thought of a good title, "Momma Drug a Rolling Stone." Maybe it's not great, but I think it's pretty decent. What do you think, Katy?
-Throw Mommma from a Brianne

Hi Brianne,

If you want to know what I think of that alternative title, I fucking hate it.

As for DeVito and Crystal... I haven't seen this movie, and from the sound of it I don't want to. The only movie I really appreciated Crystal in was his cameo in The Princess Bride with Carol Kane (yeah, you read that right. When Harry Met Sally? More like When Harry Met Who Fucking Cares. Now That's an alternative title. It actually saves people from watching the damn movie). And that's because I really like Carol Kane and weird miracle workers. Second, I fucking hated the movie Twins, or at least the four minutes I saw of it. Third, I really don't like Danny DeVito at all. He's been annoying me on the big screen for, literally, ages. However, we did make our amends when he joined the cast of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and actually managed to be hilarious. Did you have other questions? I think that about covers everything. Maybe you should just watch Jawbreaker next time.

Hi Katy,
I was reading One Year In Texas (this website) a few days ago and I read the article about pink lemonade vs. regular lemonade. It wasn't really funny but I laughed because I didn't know who was watching me. I thought "I'd rather know what Katy thinks about lemonade" so I decided to write this letter to you. Don't make either of us regret it. Just tell me what kind of lemonade you fucking like.
-Demanding Dominic

Hi Dominic,

Ya know what, Demandy-McGee? Try this on for size:

I don't fucking like lemonade.

It's sour and does little to nothing to soothe the parched throat. It's like a beverage created for people who hate themselves and want their body to know it. Pink? That't just a marketing ploy to coax thirteen-year-old girls into thinking they want it. What's it made from? Pink lemons?

(Note: if that bad joke was on the debate, I apologize for replicating it. I haven't read this debate yet because I'm still without the Internet and even now am only writing this article by forcing my grandmother to transcribe my words as I talk to her over the phone. Just fucking type it grandma. Not that, grandma. Don't type that either, what's wrong with you? KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF, GRANDMA. Because I can hear you typing it. I don't really care if your hands hurt, I'M ALMOST DONE).

Uhhhhhh.... right. Lemonade. Lemonade is stupid. Are you fucking happy, grandma? I'm done now. Now you can continue being old and useless.