Good Morning World Cup

By Glenn 


Good morning. The absence of World Cup discussion on OYIT echoes as loudly as the vuvuzelas that ruin the televised matches for anyone outside South Africa. The World Cup of soccer is a huge deal and should be treated as such. I haven't watched a full soccer game since Alexi Lalas retired, but I'm very excited about my country's chances to advance further into the tournament and ultimately win as a way to exorcise the eight years of George Bush's presidency.

[I dedicate this post to the members of the North Korean soccer team, who were killed by their government after yesterday's 0-7 loss to Portugal.]


Today's Weather
Don't take this seditiously, but in Johannesburg and all of the Southern Hemisphere it is right now winter. Given all the melted butter on my counter and sweat-soaked ironic t-shirts it's hard for me to believe it can be anything other than scorching hot on this planet, but the forecast for today's games is beautiful. There will be a high of 60 degrees and sunny, with a slight chance of apartheid. To put it into comparison, there is a 90% chance of apartheid in the Gaza Strip, which is down from last week. Anyone trying to kick a ball down the field should not have the weather to use as an excuse, unless you count the sound of vuvuzelas as weather.


Today's Local Custom

I know it is racist and neo-imperialistic to not want a horn blow into your ear, or millions of horns blown in a stadium where your friends are trying to defeat Slovenia. That is why I am here to celebrate the vuvuzela as the only authentic way people can show their appreciation of ANYTHING. It's great to use it at soccer games - and only adds to the game by its nature of subtracting everything else from it - but why stop there? Baseball games, Ben Folds concerts, funerals, et cetera are all things that would be made better with a triumphant course of vuvuzelas. I am actually playing one while I write this so I hope you can find thousands of people to "play" them as you read.


Today's Games
There are four matches happening in the World Cup today. I would like to predict the winners, even though I usually do my predictions at the end.

Mexico vs. Uruguay France vs. South Africa Nigeria vs. South Korea Greece vs. Argentina

Winner: Mexico Winner: South Africa Winner: Nigeria Winner: Argentia

There is not much logic into these predictions besides vague ideas about good national "football" programs and the belief that if Greece cannot remain solvent it cannot field a winning soccer team. South Africa has home advantage and that should be enough to defeat the lethargic French. Don't fuck with Nigeria. These games will all be on ESPN or ESPN2, but we're all just killing time until the United States takes on Algeria tomorrow. If they win, they are into the next round and if they lose they will leave humiliated, like the French who tried to occupy Algeria decades ago. Let's show them that as Americans, we always learn from the French's mistakes.


Today's Predictions
The United States will defeat Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Angola, Cuba, Lebanon, Iraq, Somalia, the former Yugoslavia and Iraq in football matches this year, rendering previous defeats/statements/quick retreats against/in those countries null and void. If only military efforts could be as simple as World Cup soccer games. Blow a few thousand vuvuzelas, say that you're going to let the opposing team arm and defend itself, and presto! You've won. I predict the US will win its match against Algeria and US fans will celebrate by feeling more paralysis about the Gulf oil spill. If we end up winning the World Cup, it'll become like all of those fake Holy Grails in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: killing you if you drink it but a great way to scoop oil out of our oceans.