Good Morning Looters

By Keelin 

Good morning looters. What a banner month you all are having! Between that L.A. McDonald's you guys raided after the Lakers won some game and all the Iraqi antiquities you've managed to dig up, this may be a career peak.

And that's not even including that Urban Outfitters you hit in Toronto during the G20 this weekend. I hope you got some tight pants while you were there. They may not have the black market value of say, ancient Sumerian vessels, but they will get you instant access to any bar in Williamsburg.

Today's Looting Weather



The best time to loot is under the darkest cover of night, preferably when it's overcast and smoggy and the moon is waning. Coincidentally, this is also the best time to come out of hiding if you're a werewolf.

Today's Looting Fact



The first instance of looting is recorded in the Bible when, after a tense Greco-Roman wrestling match, villagers supporting the losing party stole three goats and spray painted "Ezekiel sucks!" on several mud houses. These scofflaws were later stoned for their crimes. The goats were never recovered. It is believed that God smote them.

Today's Looting Prediction



Looting will continue to grow as a global phenomenon until it becomes an Olympic sport in 2042. It will be discontinued in 2046 after the looters ransack the medals and uniforms of South Korea's curling team. Looters will still be considered more honorable athletes than Lance Armstrong.