Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XII] Speed Advising Edition

By Katy 

Welcome to another SPECIAL edition of Hi Katy. CAN YOU STAND ALL THIS SPECIAL-NESS? Today we're going to try a little something called Speed Advising. It's like Speed Dating, but instead of sweaty palms and rejection you get advice in a nice concise manner. I'm going to give myself two minutes apiece to answer each of my questions for today. Luckily, I type at 120 WPM so here's hopin' it's enough to help. And now begins the experiment.

Hi Katy,
I'm going to a music festival next weekend and want to try LSD for the first time. Do you have any tips??
-Trippin' Tom

Hi Tom,

Taking LSD for the first time when you're surrounded by a ton of people and music and lights is the best idea. You should make sure to eat very little and keep yourself hardly hydrated to achieve the mass effect LSD provides. I would suggest you stay away from Dave Matthews Band though. That doesn't really have anything to do with LSD, that's just a general rule of thumb I keep after attending a music festival wherein the headliner was Dave Matthews. Seriously, how is that band still even popular? Remember when hippies had some taste and class?

I'm getting off topic though and I'm running out of time so listen to good music. If you think your trip is getting relatively bad, head back to your tent and write out a long letter to your mother explaining how sorry you are and detailing how you'd like your funeral to go. It'll help mellow you out a little until you're ready to have sex with the next three random girls that walk by you.

Time.

Hi Katy,
My friend Aaron thinks a monkey would be a great pet, but I think they would be awful. Can you tell us which one of us is right? Please, this is important.
-Just Monkeying 'Round Justin

Hi Justin,

You're both right and I'll tell you why.

A monkey would make a great pet because they're fucking adorable. You get to put diapers on them and dress them up in little tuxedos and teach them to bite the people you don't like. Monkeys biting people is more socially acceptable than dogs biting people because monkeys are still not domesticated enough to suffer the same fates as dogs. Plus, how mad can you get when a monkey in a diaper bites you? Right?

A monkey would also be a horrible pet because they fucking bite people. Not only that, they throw poo. Diaper 'em up all you want, but those little devils are poo throwing machines. You could save yourself a lot of trouble by just buying the Poo Thrower Deluxe 2009 edition, but then you'd have poo all over and that's fucking stupid.

You know what makes a good pet? A snake. They're easy to deal with, they're relatively cheap to maintain care of and they only eat like once a freaking month. Plus, everyone will think you're a badass.

Time.

katy
its kitten agin. how r u lol. sry 2 keep ritin but i heard this thing and wanted 2 ask u bout it. do u know if u can get pregnant from oral s-x. not that im doin it but some girls r and they need 2 no. plz find out 4 me thx. lol bye
kitten

Hi kitten,

Everything I've ever learned in life teaches me that you cannot get pregnant from oral sex, but I also learned that if you try your hardest you can never fail, and quite frankly that's a loud of horse poopy. Therefore, I wouldn't just dive into lots of oral sex giving. Or, if you do, spit like the dickens.

You know what you should occupy your time with? Games on Facebook. Most games on Facebook have very little to do with sex and I'm noticing a theme in your questions that you seem to have a lot to do with sex or at least considering it. Sex is great and all, but it can also be very bad. I don't mean because you get pregnant or have STDs or have to buy condoms all the time. I mean sometimes sex is plain fucking bad. I blame all you kids who start trying out this crazy stuff too young and don't bother to focus on the basics.

What you need to do is give it a good couple of years before you get overly interested in this sex stuff. Next time you write me I hope it's to ask how to get the high score on Bejeweled. Good luck. Stay away from sex juices.

Time.

hi katy,
i am going to move to the north pole this upcoming winter. i heard it gets dark there for 23 hours a day and is cold as shit. Also, does fucking Santa live there or what? lol. Anyway, what do you think is the best route to take? People have been telling me to fly but there are no airports there so you have to jump out. I could also go by boat. If it was good enough for slaves it's good enough for me.
Thanks,
North Pole Ned

Hi Ned,

Go by hot air balloon, man.

But you should also be sure to pack a nice wind-breaker or light jacket because the further north you get the further fucking cold it's going to get. The bright side is, if it starts to get SUPER cold when you get up there, you can just climb towards the top of the hot air balloon and warm yourself around the fire that's fueling the balloon.

Plus, once you get to the North Pole you can use the balloon to build yourself a shelter. You can hide under the basket so you don't get eaten by anything up there, or use it to sail down the ocean when the ice cap you're camping on melts away.

I would also like to take the time to tell you: don't move to the fucking North Pole. It is fucking cold.

Time.