Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue X] Mother's Day Edition

Hi Katy 

Good late morning my little Boogaboos. As you all know today is a very special day in which we honor those who not only biologically passed us through their birth canals, but also those special women and men in our lives who have acted in place of our more drug-addicted, absentee, whoring, creationist-minded parents. Like me. I consider my readers, the OYIT contributors, and all those sad, lost children who write to me every week to be the fruit of my womb. This one is for you guys. It's for everybody. And most of all, it's for me.

Hi Katy,
I've been a mother for thirteen years. I have a twenty-eight-year old son and a six-year old daughter. Those brats think Mother's Day is the only day I deserve a phone call or crappy construction paper cards to thank me for giving them life! When I was young I couldn't wait to grow up and be a mom, but now I look back on my life and wish I'd done more drugs or joined a rock band or had my own cooking show on Food Network. I know I shouldn't hate my kids, but they did completely ruin my life. Can you help me to appreciate my children again?
-Deadbeat Debra

Hi Debra,

First of all, your children are not keeping you from a lucrative career on Food Network. All it takes is a few thousand attempts applying to The Next Food Network Star or Food Network Challenge. Don't let your dreams die with your maternal instinct.

Next, let's tackle this issue with your kids. I have no idea what either of your kids are like and therefore don't really know whether they're worthless little runts or precious contributors to our society (though I bet that six-year-old just takes, takes, takes, am I right?), so I'm not comfortable commenting on their value in this world. What I will say is this: you chose to, at some point, bring these things into our world. It might not be pretty, and you might not like how they turned out, but that's likely your fault anyway for being one a shit of a mother. It is your responsibility to care for these miscreants, at least in spirit, until the die they make their own families or come out.

I would normally suggest you look back on the good times. Photo albums and baby books and moments when you were still psyched about being a mom, but I think you'll only be disgusted, particularly with the twenty-something, when you see the trash they've turned into. Instead, watch the movie Kids. I suggest this in hopes that your children are at least slightly better than the teenage wasteland laid out in that movie. Perhaps you can appreciate that even if they're not the bundles of joy you once thought they could be, at least they're not giving AIDS to all of New York City.

Hi Katy,
My son recently joined the ARMY. I was against it from the beginning, what with all the wars and such they get their selves into. Now that it's Mother's Day I really expect him to call from Afghanistan, but that might be a little crazy. Should I be upset if he doesn't call or should I just be happy he's alive? Remember I was against him joining the ARMY when you answer this question.
-ARMYMOM420@live.com

Hi ARMYMOM420@live.com,

Should the fact that you were against him joining the ARMY be a reason to NOT be upset that he's alive? Or that he called? I'm confused. You seemed to have accepted his ARMY lifestyle to the point were you made an e-mail reflecting your son's occupation (and yours). I just don't buy your story, madam.

From what the media tells me, the surge worked out real well, so, I don't see why he would have any trouble getting an international call through on this, the most important day of a mother's life. Of course, I don't know what the surge is or where it took place or what that means for our armed forces or the foreign counties we're forever resting in, all I know is that it's good. I don't see any reason why you can't be upset if he doesn't call. Father's Day and my father's birthday all took place during the disastrous Flood of '08, but I still managed to get a call through on both those days to Illinois to let him know I was thinking of him. If I can pull through in the damp tragedy that was Cedar Rapids, there's no good reason your son can't get through in Afghanistan.

But, if he does call, perhaps you should take this one day not to voice your hatred of his career choice. Ya know. Just in case it causes him to never call again/die in the few days following. You would feel real bad about that I bet.

Hi Katy,
My friend and her sister had a death in the family this day last year. It was their great-grandmother whom they called "Nana." Nana was very close to my friend and her sister, to the point of bonding with them better than their own mother did. Now that Nana is gone, every year thus far, my friend and her sister go into these very, very deep depressions to the point where one won't talk to me at all, and the other is hardly responsive. I tried my best to be uplifting for the both of them and got very good results from my friend's sister; I cheered her up, but my friend completely shut me out. When this time rolls around next year, I'm not sure if I should even come around. What do you think I should do?
-Dead Lady Cramping My Style

Hi Style,

Well, Style. In these situation it's usually apparent that the "friend" you're referring to is yourself. But quite frankly I got lost in all that friend's sister, friend stuff and I can't really see how you would be shutting yourself out so I'm just going to roll with this.

Death is really hard, even when grandmothers do it. I guess it sucks even more that this had to befall your friend and her sister so close to Mother's Day, so there's a constant reminder that the mother figure in their lives has bitten the big one. But here's the harsh reality: death happens. It's sad, it's hard to get past, but it happens. If Nana was alive (and yes I realize these two wouldn't have a problem if that were the case, but it's better than judging what she'd do from 'Heaven' or something ridiculous like that) she would probably be hurt to see her grandbabies responding this way to her passing. People need to be remembered because we're human, and somewhere in our long history of society we've decided this is a fact. We need to remember people that are important to us, the things we were taught, and the love we had for them. But we certainly don't need to sit around and shut out the world around their death anniversary. Nana will still be dead in November, but that doesn't seem to affect them as much. You know what I'm saying?

I've actually never had a grandparent die, or a parents, or an aunt or uncle or brother or sister, and therefore I don't really know what I'm saying. How about this. Next year around this time, sit these two down and have them watch Weekend At Bernie's. It'll help teach them that death can be funny and joyful, and most people get over it super easy and they should, too. Then throw in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead so they can see that losing old people is really just a license to lie, get jobs, and clean houses. All of this will work out in the end. Trust me.

Hi Katy,
I love my mother very much. She is my best friend and confidant. She literally calls me at least five times a week. I know that's a little weird, but it gets stranger. For some reason her calls always seem to come in the middle of... how should I put this? While my boyfriend is doing to me what the planes did to the Twin Towers in 2001. It's uncanny. It's as though she knows and wants vag block my premarital sex. I don't want to stop the massive vagina wrecking I'm undergoing, but at the same time I really want to see how my mom is doing. Should I stay on the phone while we're doing it? What should I do Katy? Life shouldn't be this confusing!
-Dirty Diana

Hi Diana,

DON'T ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE, DUMBSHIT. I mean, props that the boyfriend still plows you like a new acre in Farmville at least five times a week, but the fact that you even consider picking up the phone mid-coitus is both unsettling and a mood-killer. I can hardly stand the hypothetical of what I would do in the situation wherein my mother is yapping into my ear about virus software updates while my boyfriend is... yeah I can't even go there.

It's so lovely that you have such a close relationship with your mother, and kind of creepy, but I bet your boyfriend would find it extraordinarily creepy to have her participate in your bouts of love-making. Or, if he doesn't find it all that weird, you very seriously need to get a new boyfriend.

Let voicemail do what it's intended to do and get back to her at your next possible convenience. i.e. After sexual gratification is achieved.

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A special HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY shout out to my very own mother, who doesn't call me while I'm having sex with my boyfriend. And my sister, who doesn't call me. And everyone else with babies everywhere. Have a lovely brunch, and make sure to put that plant food in your vase of flowers.