Debate: Is New York a Safe Place to Live?

By Jake & Glenn 

New York City is the biggest and most famous town in America besides Clearwater, Florida. While the latter is the headquarters of Scientology, the former is the headquarters of everything else. NYC is the cultural and financial capital of the United States, and has the murder rate to show it. As Mayor from 1994 to 2001, Rudy Giuliani did much to bring down this murder rate including hiring more racist police officers and single-handedly stopping 9/11. But is this "Windy City" truly safe to work and live? Many rich people think no and buy houses in New Jersey or Connecticut, but other rich people say yes and live in lovely lofts in Manhattan. As usual, the only way for us to really know if New York City is a safe place is by debating it on the internet.

Jake: I must admit that I have yet to grace New York with my presence, yet I feel as if I have been living there for 1,000 years. I know that there are homeless people and nobody likes them. If you are great at graffiti and dancing you will become a hero among your peers. But not all I know about New York is based on the movie Rooftops. If you open your mouth while walking on the street people will try to spit into it. Plus, you have to walk because cars are basically illegal. This is where Glenn is moving. New fucking York: where people hate everything and nobody speaks English, not even cab drivers! This city is going to eat you alive like you were Tynisha Ysais and it were Big Lurch. I hope you don't like your lungs, bro!

Glenn: I would like to point out that Big Lurch committed his heinous - yet under the circumstances, justifiable - crime in Los Angeles, California! Other famous California murders include those by the Manson family and the decapitation of Gray Davis's political career by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Other famous killers - Ted Bundy, Dennis Rader, Gary Ridgeway and George Bush - have been based in other parts of this country. I'm not arguing there has never been a murder in New York City, but it is far from the most dangerous place in America. For the time period of 2000-2010, both Disneyland and Disneyworld had more rapes and aggravated assaults, per capita, than New York. Yet I know if I said I was moving to Disneyland to start my career as a costumed character, there wouldn't be such outrage. That's an unfair double standard.

Jake: That's the thing about double standards: they're always unfair. Sadly, this is not a debate about whether double standards are fair, but it is one about New York being unsafe. While I also can think of places to live that are far more dangerous to live than New York, it doesn't mean that it's safe. I'm not worried about you getting work, because you have a great resume and can easily obtain a job as a pedicab driver. My concern is over your eventual rape and murder. Notice that I didn't say "potential" in that last sentence, that's because you will be raped and murdered if you move to New York. They call getting raped and murdered a New York handshake where I come from.

Glenn: As we learned from the series finale of Six Feet Under, everyone dies. What matters is what happens between now and that point. We're all going to end up murdered in the era of Gulf oil spills, Republican resurgence and SB 1070. I don't think New York City is going to be the place where I die nor will it be where you die. More that point, why would people raise their children there if it was so unsafe? I can't even count on two hands the number of people I know who've grown up in New York City. This isn't just because of that Midwestern fireworks accident in high school, but rather due to the overwhelming number of children born, raised or brought to the city each year. If it was as unsafe as you say it is, wouldn't parents who brought their children there be guilty of some conservative-inspired law banning mothers from bringing their children across state lines to destroy them?

Jake: I've heard the albums of the Wu-Tang Clan and their stories of the Shaolin ninjas roaming the streets of the city. If there are ninjas then you're not safe-- unless the ninjas are on your side. You and I know that they are not. New York City is "ground zero" of the biggest crime of all time: the World Trade Center attack of September 11th, 2001. We are nearing the 10 year anniversary and you know those mixed up terrorists are planning some sort of jihad to commemorate it. In fact, some dunce just tried to blow up New York with a bomb made of feces, hay and flat RC Cola. Luckily, he failed this time. Faisal Shahzad is no Eric Robert Rudolph or even Richard Jewel. I just have one last thing to say: there's a reason that New York City is shaped like a bear trap; once you step into it the rusty teeth sink deep in your flesh leaving you helpless lying on the street bleeding while homeless people take turns urinating on your writhing body. Have fun in New York, Glenn. Don't forget to iron your shirts.

Glenn: If we live our lives in fear of an attack, the terrorists win. If we launch wars to kill Muslims and inspire others to their cause, the terrorists win. If we abandon the principles of our legal system to imprison accused terrorists forever without a trial, the terrorists win. My point is, they've ALREADY won. I'm at peace with my own mortality and I hope the Times Square bomb that kills me does so after I've already made it big with Stephen as the new, younger, hipster versions of the "Naked Cowboy." The worst thing to affect New York City in the past two hundred years were the 1863 Draft Riots. Those are now an anachronism as we no longer have a draft and instead of fighting the Confederacy we venerate it as the only "real" political culture. Think of New York as the Noah's Ark of humanity. In no other city are there at least two of every race, species, color and ethnicity. God has put them all together there so when the rest of the world is destroyed, NYC will remain and repopulate the earth. I feel safe with that protection, but just to be sure I will visit David Berkowitz in prison and ask him where the rest of his cult members are. Then I will destroy them. One Summer of Sam is enough - let this be the Summer of Glenn (in a somewhat similar context)!