OYIT Monday morning addition: Man hangs himself in Iowa, to protest passage of healthcare?

By James 

Great job, Iowa! You made it! The BBC News! With the headline, "US teenagers in Iowa 'find body in egg hunt'." hahaaaaaahhhh naaahhhhh you didn't! Really?

Some guy just fuckin' hangs himself in a park, and some kids find his body during an egg hunt. Who knows, man. They (the police?) aren't releasing any information as to why he is hanging from a tree, BUT, I will speculate wildly:

1) Guy wanted to see if the resurrection of Christ is scientifically possible. Guy hanged himself from a tree on Good Friday (a tree much like the one Christ's cross was made from), and intended to wake up on Easter, like Jesus did. Who knows, maybe he thought he was the messiah.

2) Guy was actually their wacky uncle, you know, the one who pulls pranks, and makes the funny silly jokes. So, fake hanging transubstantiated into real hanging? By God?

3) Guy was actually a tea party activist, protesting the passage of health care reform. Or the socialist Census. You can't count a dead man--his citizenship and place of residency have changed to 777 Miracle St., Heaven, somewhere in outerspace.

4) Guy was put there by Lucifer to ruin Easter.

5) Guy was unhappy with his life, didn't think it was worth living... living in a communist America, that is. Took New Hampshire's state motto, "Live Free or Die" to its ultimate conclusion.

6) Aspiring writer, perhaps? From the University of Iowa's "writers" workshop, I hope? Please, Jesus?


Do republicans realize their party color is red? Commie red? Blood red? The red of a woman's menstrual flow, after she takes a goblet full of RU 486 pills? I think not. One would think so, though, because they react so strongly and emotionally (infantile-ly?) to anything resembling something they're afraid of (towels?).

Weather:

Perhaps, clear and blue? Decidedly not communist? NO. Scattered thundershowers, and, so, vaguely authoritarian--MUCH LIKE COMMUNISM.



Predictions:

People will discover that, instead of Jesus, Josef Stalin rose from the grave, to cover the world in a second darkness. Witnessing true communism, in all of its terrifying completeness, the world will turn to Barack Obama to save them, but it will turn out that he really is the Anti-Christ, and then all of us, including Stalin, will be totally boned by this more terrifying figure. Rapture will begin, and all of these fundamentalist Christians, who, just yesterday, we thought were bonkers, will float up to Heaven and be rewarded for their faith. THE END.

Have a good morning.