Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XI]

By Katy

HI Katy,
I recently got a pretty bad sunburn all along my legs up to my inner thighs and slightly above. The way I got this sunburn isn't as important and probably isn't appropriate for a family site but what should I do to deal with it? I have a family of my own and I need to be able to raise them and yes discipline them when the time is right but I can't do that with these kind of burns. Please help!
Burned Bill

Hi Bill,

My initial emotional reaction upon reading your letter/question is as follows (don't worry, I'll delve into more detail on these later):

Empathy --> Curiosity --> Sorrow --> Dissolution -->
Unmitigated Horror --> Antipathy

Empathy is pretty self-explanatory. You've been sunburned, I've been sunburned. I can certainly feel the pain of your seared skin as your epidermis departs from your thighs (though I've never experienced this pain in that particular area).

Moving on, I realize you expressed a desire to keep secret how one gets his goody bag all toasted, but I have a passion for sunburn stories, and the fact that you're holding out on me only urges my inquisitiveness. Yet, before my curiosity could grab hold and force me into an analytical frenzy, I was once again struck by the sorrow of your current predicament and the thought that families might read OYIT.

Then you mentioned your own family, which is not something I can relate to. Thus, dissolution. I had a family once, but that's when I was just beginning out in life. I had a mother to tell me to go nurse my own sunburns. I've never been responsible for the sunburns of another. The burden this puts on your family must be horrific, yet it wasn't unmitigated horror until I learned you require a healed groin to properly discipline your family. You want my advice, sir? You want me to aid you in a faster healing process so your children, your wife, your newborn schnauzer puppies will be subjected to whatever sick game you play? There is no advice for you here, Bill. There is nothing left but antipathy.

hi katy,
this is kitten frum last week. i stll like ur colum but i have another prob. the boy i like wants to do things w me and i dont no if i want 2 do them. things mommies n daddies do. u no? what do i do.
kitten

Hi Kitten,

It's good to have you back. You were a big hit with the staff here. Everyone was immediately drawn in by your lovable lack of grammatical skills and even more astonishingly high naivety. You keep this up, someone might just be offering you a contributor position at OYIT.

But none of that is nearly as important as what you must be going through right now. I wish I had some way of determining your age, but from your writing style you could fall anywhere between eleven and thirty-seven. Let's start with the basics: I can't tell you what to do, Kitten. You are your own rainbow, the captain of your own ship, the Gavin Newsom of your own San Fransisco, the key to your own destiny, the gasoline in your own Civic... you get the idea. You are what runs you. If there's a boy trying to make you do stuff that you don't wanna do, then you slam your foot down on that boy's face and tell him no. Actually, try just telling him no first, there's no reason to insight violence unless he doesn't seem to hear you.

Things mommies and daddies so are very special (or the result of several alcoholic beverages coupled with a sense of failure, disappointment with one's position in life, and a animalistic need to finish something) and are not to be entered into lightly. You have your whole life to lose your innocence and see the hopes and dreams of yesteryear turned into Adderall addictions and accidental black-out foursomes. Don't be in too big a hurry to grow up, Kitten.

Of course, if you do decide to go for it, for the sake of our ever expanding population, make sure you uhhh... you know... make him... wear... you know what? Just don't do it.

Hello Katy,
Recently it was the 16th anniversary of famous Nirvana front man Kurt Cobain's death. How did this event impact your life? I originally killed myself when I first heard that he had committed suicide, but later unkilled myself when I realized Courtney Love may have murdered him. I don't want to get into that conspiracy though - just where you were when you heard and how you felt. I hope this isn't too invasive of a question.
All Apologies,
Nevermind Ned

Hi Ned,

I'm glad you brought this up.

In 1994, I was a mere seven-year-old, dealing with the vicious and soul-crushing death of my closest friend, so I didn't really know what this whole Kurt Cobain thing. It clearly paled in comparison to the natural horrors of life I had just witnessed.

Then, for no real reason I can actually remember, in 2000 I was charged with an English project wherein I picked a famous person from history and gave a biographical retelling of my life as that person. I must have recently watched a Behind the Music or something because without ever really listening to much of Nirvana (beyond a few radio hits) I threw myself into a fascination for Kurt Cobain's life and his death. I even became a hardcore murder conspiracy theorist (based on lots and lots of circumstantial evidence I haven't seen but makes a lot of sense). I felt the pain of this man I had never known, never listened to, and yet really wanted to sleep with. I felt for his daughter, stuck with a crazy bitch of a mother (who clearly paid someone to murder Kurt Cobain, I mean his freaking Converses were still on!).

Then, one day, as quickly as the fascination blasted through my brain walls and into my consciousness, it was gone. I still feel a special kinship towards Kurt for all he got me through in my hellish middle school years. Someday I'll even pull out that journal some ex-boyfriend bought me and read what I've heard are barely legible chicken scratches of aggression, confusion, and above all, malaise. Until then, I'll always have Arseface to hold my memories for me.

Hi Katy,
I just ate and am really full. Should I wait it out or just throw up?
-Bulimic Betty

Hi Betty.

Throw up! Are you just trying bulimia out because it's the "in" thing? You don't sound particularly committed to your cause. There are several bulimics out there who would be angered and hurt that you label yourself as one of them, and yet, still question your gag reflex.

I mean, you can keep the food down if you want to be like, 1,000 pounds by next week, it's your own body and all, but for the sake of the National Bulimics for Equal...Oh God, Hold On Please....BLEWAH...Vomit Privileges League, understand your labels.