Good Morning Grief

By Keelin 

Good morning. It's a bright and sunny morning here in real America. I started my day the usual way: watched some American Idol clips, checked to see if any new killing fields had sprung up in the world, called up my pet psychic to pass on the good news about both these things.

It wasn't all unmitigated joy, though. Example! A few weeks ago I met a feral rooster on the Pacific coast. Now I've learned this bird, in the prime of his life, has been struck down by the cruel hands of fate and avian disease. Is this right, I ask you? No, the only thing that can justify the death of a rooster is if he is patient zero in the spread of some kind of disgusting epidemic against which Jenny McCarthy will tell us not to get immunized. Even then, it'd probably be OK if he just lived out the remainder of his days in isolation.


Today's Scientology Fact



Wait, before I tell you this, have you taken our personality test? Trust me, you're going to learn a lot about yourself. No pressure! [Please bring a major credit card. No personal checks.]

Today's History Lesson



On this day in 1945, Adolf Hitler committed suicide. He remains a touchstone of meaningless political comparison even in our own time!


Today's Prediction



The ghosts of Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson and Grace Kelly will haunt you until you start a grunge-pop fusion band and become better looking. Your band will enjoy moderate success until the drummer commits a gaffe on Twitter. You will be shunned by Ashton Kutcher and the world.