Monday Morning Brown Out

By James 

Good morning, readers. I have been away from Iowa City the last two Mondays, and also away from the world wide web, and I would like to graciously thank Glenn for covering those Monday morning posts. If you must know, I was visiting my girlfriend, Eliza, in Massachusetts, a state without internet and electricity--for the planet, I'm told. We went on a New England road trip, where I tried to snap photos of mooses, and also tried to understand why every house in Vermont is caving in and filled with junk, whilst inhabited by many a freedom loving Vermonter. I would like to thank Glenn for covering my Good Morning posts.

While in Massachusetts, I tried to get an interview with the freshman senator from Massachusetts, the enigmatic Scott Brown, to explain his lack of extremism. Unfortunately, he was vacationing in Cancun, Mexico, for spring break, maintaining his impeccable tan; HOWEVER, I did manage to get an interview with him over the phone, as he sat at the bar of the Coco Bongo Club.



Below are the words we exchanged:

Me: Scott! How are you doing! Thanks for giving me this exclusive interview!

Scott Brown: [loud dance music is playing] Great! I'm having some drinks, and then taking my daughters back to the hotel, ha ha ha...

Me: Did you just make a joke about having sex with your daughters?

SB: Ha ha ha... Nah, it was just a joke. Just joking, man. So, what's going on? Mi... Mitt? Who is this?

Me: [short pause] Okay. Many say you have betrayed conservatives by voting with democrats on the Jobs Bill, a bill some claim will set up Stalinist gulag-type work camps. What do you have to say about this?

SB: [loud music still playing] What? I'm being put... What? On a stamp? What? Ayla, let's do... I'll buy some shots. Lemon-drops. Three shots of Lemon-drops. Here.. just, here... Are you from the Boston... Boston Herald? Herald. With the Herald. How did you get this number?

Me: I'm with Oneyearintexas.org.

SB: Who?

Me: Oneyearintexas.org

SB: [click]

Me: Scott?

SB: [dialtone]

If one lesson can be drawn from this interview, it is that Scott Brown is probably not secretly a homosexual, like most other republican congressmen.

Weather:

Today is supposed to be a beautiful day in Iowa City, IA; however, there is a dark storm on the horizon, and the enemy grows stronger as we speak. Scott Brown must take the One Health Care Bill back to the fires of Mount Doom, Washington D.C., where it was made, and destroy it, to stop the Dark Lord Obama from enslaving us all.



Predictions:

Eliza will feel better about her paper today, and I will reread the Lord of The Rings trilogy, but as an allegory for communists taking over America. Glenn will be diagnosed with cancer and will fully recover, and then he will write a riveting memoir about his struggle with HIV/AIDS. Oneyearintexas.com will retroactively be voted Best Online News Journal of the Year for 2009. Someone will comment, "Jokes about cancer and HIV/AIDS are not funny" in the comments, and will be summarily mocked and insulted by OYIT writers. The commenter will then say that none of us are funny, anyway, and we'll all take it very hard.

Have a good Monday.