Mailbag Vol. 3 Issue 1

By Glenn, Bub and Jake 

Welcome to the very first Mailbag of 2010. It took us nearly three months to amass enough emails to justify an article and we didn't want to write the emails ourselves like many other sites do. We simply have too much integrity to lie to our audience. We are happy that you have taken the time to read our site, and although you never comment, we still love you.

I'm kind of old-fashioned so I'll start this email by asking your father's permission to marry you. We'll get married, then I'll physically dominate you and our children for the course of our marriage. Then I'll leave you for a hooker I met in Reno. Any questions?

Sincerely,
Your Future Husband

Glenn: Yeah - why would you go to Reno to meet a hooker? Honestly OYIT is like many of us from "urban" homes in that we don't know our fathers. They weren't a part of our lives and certainly can't give permission to marry us. Additionally, we are a website and unless the Defense of Marriage Act is repealed, human beings cannot marry websites or other things on the internet (such as FTP sites or IRC chat rooms). Your views on what a marriage should be are antiquated and wrong. Someone needs to put down Scott Peterson's autobiography and pick up Scott Brown's instead.

Dear One Year In Texas,
Stop spending all of our taxes! The internet costs money and we're tired as citizens for having to pay for your mistakes. All you do all day is sit around and be a website, while we're out here working for a living to pay for your government handouts and pork barrel politics. Then you go and bail out all the banks with money you stole from the box I keep above the refrigerator! THEN, you told us we couldn't watch Nash Bridges anymore because you didn't pay the cable bill!! This is worse than segregation. Any questions?

Sincerely,
Guy Who Flew The Plane Into The IRS Building Mistaking it for One Year In Texas Headquarters

Jake: I happen to have a question, what is your fucking problem, Guy? I don't know why you would want to watch Nash Bridges, although now that I think about it I sort of do, too. Still, I have no idea why I have anything to do with your watching of anything starring Don Johnson or Cheech Marin. Sure, I may spend your tax dollars occasionally to buy a new bong or a pair of limited edition Nikes, but I don't see why it's such a big deal. You spend my tax money on cans of cat food and novelty sunglasses that are just too ludicrously big to actually make anybody laugh, only afraid. While we may not agree on much, I think we can at least agree to disagree on this issue and move onto something much bigger like raising money for our nation's underfunded Holocaust museums.

Your website is a total FAIL. I found your site searching some great memes on Google and I was really hoping for lulz but I was more like :(. This site is not funny! I don't get the jokes. Is the joke that you all have learning disabilities? I know it's not because I'd get and love that joke. Please write more articles about memes and less articles about Gallagher, Pollocks and David Spade.

Glenn: I'm so glad to hear you were searching for memes on the internet. That's like looking for Little Debbie snacks at a Trader Joe's. Of course the site isn't funny - nor should it be. We continue to write articles about David Spade because we thought that was the only way to ensure nothing we said ever made people laugh. Turns out we were right. Speaking of learning disabilities, did you know David Spade has dyslexia? Pretty impressive he got so far in life with a learning disability like that. Also, he isn't funny. These two things never held him back as a comedian and why should they hold us back?

OMG I READ THE ARTICLE ABOUT GOOD MORNING AND I THOUGHT IT WAS SOOOOOO FUNNY. IT MADE ME LAUGH LIKE WHEN PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER AND SHIT. LOL WHO TALKS ABOUT THE WEATHER ON THE WEBSITE? I MEAN INTERNET. IF I WANTED TO KNOW THE WEATHER I'D WALK OUTSIDE. I'M NOT IN A WHEELCHAIR....ANYMORE. ANYWAY KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND KEEP TELLING ME GOOD MORNING. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES.

Jake: I'm glad that you enjoy our Good Morning articles and that you are no longer in a wheelchair. Now, before all the people in wheelchairs start calling our complaint line, I think we should set the record straight. Being in a wheelchair is not cool or fun, at least not if you have to be in one. It is a disadvantage. I think people are still going to take this the wrong way and if I keep apologizing then people with Downs Syndrome are going to be mad at me too. So let's cut our losses and I'll just say thanks again. We'll continue to discuss the weather no matter how boring it happens to be.

Hey guys, what the fuck? I heard you guys were going to write an article about the hilarious American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken. I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait. Still, no article about Clay motherfuckin' Aiken. I feel like if you are going to promise an article about Clay Aiken the least you could do is write an article about fucking Clay Aiken!!!! Is it too much to ask for you to follow through on your promises? I have never let a website break a promise and I'm not about to start.

-Paul

Bub: Dear Paul,

While I personally have written dozens of articles about hilarious American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken, they are simply too personal to publish. Perhaps I can redirect you to our numerous articles that feature Nate talking about, or directly to Glenn. They are not as inspiring as the private articles I have written about hilarious American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken, but they give you insight into the modern American friendship and bluegrass, and the complicated intersection of the two.

Dear website,

I have been reading 1 Year in Texas since I found the site while searching for articles about Saved by the Bell and interracial dating. I'm a Nepalese American but very interested in dating someone from former French Africa. Your website was not the most hopeful in finding tips. Could you write some articles about this?

Bub: Dear Paul again,

It appears as though you have not been reading the articles of Mikey. He happens to be a former French African and makes extremely veiled references to wanting to date Nepalese Americans by way of prattling on endlessly about hamburger trees. You can contact Mikey at mikey@oneyearintexas.com to ask him and his wife out, and you can also view a nude photo of the two here.