Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue VIII]

By Katy

Hi Katy,
I've been seeing my girlfriend for quite a while and I adore her a great deal, but lately I've been having these vivid dreams about my ex. I wake up feeling a crushing nostalgia and deep longing for her touch (even though she was a fat, heartless bitch). I DO love my girlfriend, but I feel there's a void in me she's just not filling. The desire to be with my ex again (the paranoid slutbag) continues to grow inside of me. What should I do?
-Dreamin' Drake

Hi Drake,

Everyone has a slutbag ex-girlfriend, I feel ya. And often, at a time of need or loneliness or frailty, we seek the familiar. For many poor saps this can mean relying on a past relationship that failed, and failed hard. IF you put enough space and time between the horror of your relationship and your current confusion, anything can sound better than where you're at, but it's not.

She might seem like an excellent candidate for your children now, but I think when you look back on your relationship you'll realize she was a terrible person to be around. She was probably over protective, jealous, and only moderately attractive, but over time you've forgotten all about her whoring activities and casual ways of making you feel like less of a man. So, what I mean is, you can fondly remember things about this bitch that were good and that made you happy... but if you really look at her for the person she became after your relationship ended, as well as the hardships throughout the relationship (whether they were brought on by you or not) the point is you hit a slump and that slump lasted you quite a while until you were rid of her (probably)... and you are a much happier person without her.

It's not your girlfriend's job to fill all the voids in human existence. Find yourself a hobby or something. If you feel you need a little time on your own, let her know what you're feeling (minus the crazy ex part) and together you can work through this problem. The best of luck to you both.

Hi Katy,
I am five years old. My parents are helping me write this. Consider them my ghost writers. Anyway I'm getting really pissed off because they make me go to sleep at 7:30pm even though I'm in the Pacific Time Zone. That means I can't even watch Community on Thursdays or kids shows that are in prime time on Nickelodeon. How can I convince them to let me stay up later without resorting to the kind of civil disobedience Martin Luther King Jr. practiced during the Civil Rights era?
-Five Year Old Freddy

Hi Freddy,

My initial reaction to this is why would you want to watch Community anyway? Seriously, I gave it a shot up until like, episode six and was still appalled by it's sheer awfulness. I guess if you're five there's not much accounting for taste, but let me just say I watched The Informant the other night (you'd probably really enjoy it, the main character is kind of like a five-year-old) and that's the only decent anything I've ever seen Joel McHale in.

But I think I'm focusing too much on that one aspect.

I don't know it matters that you're in a specific time zone, unless you're saying they make you go to sleep at 7:30PM EST even though you're PST. Then yes, it's a little ridiculous that you have to go to bed for the night at 4:30PM. I think you did the right thing by writing to me, and having your parents do it for you. They now realize that you have these demands and are prepared to fight for civil justice in order to earn your right to stay up.

I would like to suggest that you tell them you were kidding when you said you wanted to watch Community. Maybe if you proposed some time to enjoy Weeds or Dexter they'd be more apt to let you stay up for programming that will speak to your soul and teach you about real life, not the fake life of Community. If all else fails, do what I did; pretend you're asleep, and read for hours. It sounds totally lame, I know, but reading can be just like TV but better; Joel McHale isn't in any of my books.

Hi Katy,
I've recently started dating someone who I suspect has downs syndrome. I don't want to come across as a bigot by breaking up with her and I really don't even want to! We get along really well. We both enjoy going to the circus and laughing at the animals for being forced to perform. We also watch documentaries about serial killers and try to imagine what we would have done better to not get caught. Since I've found someone as disturbed as I am and feel grateful for it, should I tell her she has downs syndrome?
Down Don

Hi Don,

I don't really see the problem here. It's kind of like dating someone you really, really like but they have bad breath or gonorrhea; you shouldn't point out the one thing you maybe are having slight problems with, because really, no one is perfect. And everyone has gonorrhea. There's really not much more to say on this matter. I hope you two have a long and healthy life together.

hi KatIE,
hOw ArE yOu? I aM gOoD. I wAnT tO lIStEn 2 kEwL MuSSic. LiKe PaPa RoACh. cAn U gIVe Me SuM ReCcoMendATions?
sExyGrrLL944

Hi sexygrrll944,

I don't listen to terrible music anymore (I've grown out of it) so this was a difficult question for me to tackle. I Googled "bands like papa roach" and that directed me to this Yahoo! Answers page. As you can see the very first answer is "Nothing. Papa Roach is too awesome for any other band to sound like them." 'Nuff said.

If you continue down the list, you'll see someone took the time to type out their entire CD collection, ranging from Norma Jean to Silverstein back to Norma Jean down to Crazy Town. I only listed these bands, because I've heard them and none of these four are anything like Papa Roach. In fact, it's a travesty to find them in the list, whether or not they're decent bands. What I think we can learn from this is that people are absolute morons and everything you find on Yahoo! Answers is completely incorrect.

I hope that helps.