Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue IX]

By Katy

Hi Katy,
Remember that guy who used to do the commercials for Micro Machines? He talked so fast that you could barely keep up with what he was saying. My question to you is not about the commercials or actual Micro Machines, what I'm wondering is how can I

learn how to speak that fast? Is it something that you're just born with or should I just practice talking fast everyday?
-Mike Row

Hi Mike,

I don't remember that guy because I was too young to watch fast talkers when those commercials were on. What I do remember is watching him recap all the "I Love the 90's" episodes when they ran over and over and over on VH1. And over. That's how I learned about an entire decade I was apart of and yet, never experienced. Luckily that means I was too busy fiddlin with Giga Pets and listening to the Spice Girls to notice beloved childhood actors like Paul Reubens fiddlin with himself. Thank the Beanie Baby gods!

Guess what though? I talk really fast. In fact, to really understand the full weight of everything I say to you, you should be reading my articles really, really fast. Which really brings us to the final question... OF COURSE you have to practice talking that fast. I'm sure some people are born with it, but since you clearly missed that mark, you may as well see what you can make of yourself. I recommend reading HK back issues, as well as Deb8s with Glenn and Jake to improve not only your out-lout-reading abilities, but also the speed of your voice. You still have to be sure to enunciate, and most importantly, be prepared for people everywhere to look at your like you're a crazy person with moderate schizophrenia. Then you should probably just roll with it.

HI Katy,
I have a problem with procrastination. I make little "to do" lists on pieces of paper but not like a psychotic person. These aren't about killing people or remembering to turn the door handle 10 times before I go to sleep, but about every day errands that I don't want to do but know I should. How can I motivate myself to do to these things or do you have recommendations on how not to procrastinate? I've already tried Adderall.
Procrastin' Pete

Hi Pete,

This is a hard question for me! I procrastinate alllll theeee timmmme. See what I did there? It is right now 4:02AM and Hi Katy posts on Sundays at 11AM so I think you can get a little of what I'm saying.

There are several different organizational methods with which to simplify your life. Making lists is one of them, but maybe lists just don't work for you? I found that when it comes to things like doctor's appointments, lunch dates, and bill due dates that keeping a daily planner with me at all times and frequently checking it helps me to remember the things I have to accomplish in a day. I also keep homework assignments, class end dates, birthdays, vacations, R/O days, and paydays tracked in my little book. I used to use Google calendar, but as I grow older it becomes more and more difficult to understand the Internet. I was also sure to get a daily planner that was themed with something that would keep me interested. It has recipes, random facts, and broad stroke artwork so my day is never dull, even on a blank day!



You can also try setting your cell phone alarm at various points of the day so you're obnoxiously reminded to GET YOUR STUFF DONE. If you have a mom, she would probably help drag you along. If you don't have a mom, I'm sorry I brought this up, but I bet if you're in a high population metropolitan area you could find a mom to substitute until you can grow up enough to take care of your own life.

Hi Katy,
Which of the Three Musketeers is your favorite? Mine is Larry.
-Bob Musketeer

Hi Bob,
I never read The Three Musketeers and the only movie version I ever saw was Disney, but I watched the hell out of that joy train! Therefore, I'm happy to announce that my primary decision for favortism ban be traced to the actors in the film, making my pick Porthos, played by Oliver Platt. Oliver Platt can play such a delightful character just by being himself, ya know? Porthos was certainly the most badass (he's a "pirate" after all), the biggest liar (I've got a thing for the bad boys), and the funniest of all the Musketeers. AND, he often put d'Artagnan's whiny ass in its place.

He was killin' somethin' ugly.

Athos was probably my second favorite, and certainly one of my favorite Kiefer Sutherland roles, but he was sooooooooooo depressed all the time and who in their right freaking mind would hand Rebecca De Mornay over to be killed just because of some stupid religious beliefs and faulty oaths? Man's nuts. Tim Curry should of hit that.

Aramis was just sort of...ugh. Maybe it's because I don't really find Charlie Sheen interesting, or maybe he was perfect for Aramis because Sheen himself is so dull. Either way, he's a truly forgettable character.

And you're talking about The Three Stooges, idiot. I do think Larry was probably up there in the smarter category, though I always found I leaned towards Curly as a favorite. He certainly got picked on the most out of everyone, and that made me sympathetic towards him. I mean, his name alone is just mean. Man couldn't grow a curly hair on his head with all the Rogaine in Orange County, and not just because he's been rotting in the ground for over fifty years. He also reminds me of the beautiful period of American film history when the solid comedic route was to take a dumb, fat guy, and have unfair things happen to him while other characters continued to berate him. Yet, hot women always found the little fatties attractive. I could go into a whole argument here about how Abbott & Costello (the far superior comics of black & white) are the far superior comics of black & white film, but I'll just leave you with this thing I made in Paint to show the battle I'm not discussing (that Abbott and Costello would totally win):


Oh yeah, this too:

Don't mix up your Jews and your Catholics, Bob. It rubs people the wrong way.