By Jake
Is every Mexican wrestler in the flamboyant witness protection program? I mean, what's the deal with these masks? It's like a teenaged girl with a bedazzler went to town on her father's ski mask. Imagine if OJ Simpson's daughter had done that with his ski mask. People would have thought a luchador was murdering OJ's ex-wife her lover. Plus, his book confessing the murder would have been a lot more interesting. "I slit my wife's throat with a knife and then hit a tope con hilo on Ron Goldman. Just as I was about to go to the top for a big splash, Goldmancito came out of nowhere and pushed me off, allowing Goldman to steal the second fall." Speaking of knives, does anybody have those knives that can cut through a baseball? Who needs half of a baseball? Did a baseball team disagree on slavery and have to split in two? Slavery, now that's a touchy subject. Another subject that's a bit touchy is video game violence, am I right? You guys play that game Grand Theft Auto? That's pretty graphic, huh? I was walking around the city with a chainsaw cutting up hookers, then I went home and played some Grand Theft Auto.
Do you guys go to the movies? It's getting pretty expensive isn't it? I went to see Avatar and had to take out a second mortgage on my house to buy a box of Sno-caps. Speaking of Sno-caps, global warming is pretty scary isn't it? Being from the midwest I wouldn't mind a few extra degrees in the winter, but I don't want to live underwater like Aquaman. Comedians usually put Aquaman to task for having lame powers. "Who wants to talk to fish," these jokers glibly say. Hey, maybe fish know something that we don't. Maybe they are excellent story tellers. Maybe they are better rappers than humans. I just dislike how negative comedy is toward fish. Speaking of negative, do you ever have to jump your car to get it started? You got those cables that you have to untangle, then you gotta find somebody to jump your car. Is there anything more embarrassing than begging somebody to jump your car? What about when the people who won't help you do it? Don't you want to pull a plastic bag out of your backseat and suffocate those people and steal their cars?
Do you guys listen to underground music? A lot of people think it's exciting being the first of your friends to hear a new band. I'm like that, too. I spend a lot of time producing my own rap albums under the name MC Donald. I only rap about hamburgers. I never let anybody listen to my music. It helps me remain relevant in the alternative music scene. Speaking of scenes, you guys remember that scene from Psycho where Janet Leigh is taking a shower and Norman Bates stabs her? That's the reason I never take showers and have a hard time falling asleep in motels. Motels are pretty dingy though, aren't they? The last time I stayed at one I spent all night fighting over the blanket with a roach. Speaking of blankets, you guys know about the Snuggie? It's a blanket with sleeves that is popular with today's youth. If all you have to do to invent things is add sleeves then I got a great idea for a new kind of shotgun. Do you guys call shotgun when you're riding with a bunch of friends? Don't you hate the guy who tries to make up all these rules like "you can't call shotgun inside" or "you have to be able to see the car before you call it." It makes me want to pull out a shotgun and see if he makes a bunch of rules then. "You can't shoot me until you see the whites of my eyes." Pow.
Is every Mexican wrestler in the flamboyant witness protection program? I mean, what's the deal with these masks? It's like a teenaged girl with a bedazzler went to town on her father's ski mask. Imagine if OJ Simpson's daughter had done that with his ski mask. People would have thought a luchador was murdering OJ's ex-wife her lover. Plus, his book confessing the murder would have been a lot more interesting. "I slit my wife's throat with a knife and then hit a tope con hilo on Ron Goldman. Just as I was about to go to the top for a big splash, Goldmancito came out of nowhere and pushed me off, allowing Goldman to steal the second fall." Speaking of knives, does anybody have those knives that can cut through a baseball? Who needs half of a baseball? Did a baseball team disagree on slavery and have to split in two? Slavery, now that's a touchy subject. Another subject that's a bit touchy is video game violence, am I right? You guys play that game Grand Theft Auto? That's pretty graphic, huh? I was walking around the city with a chainsaw cutting up hookers, then I went home and played some Grand Theft Auto.
Do you guys go to the movies? It's getting pretty expensive isn't it? I went to see Avatar and had to take out a second mortgage on my house to buy a box of Sno-caps. Speaking of Sno-caps, global warming is pretty scary isn't it? Being from the midwest I wouldn't mind a few extra degrees in the winter, but I don't want to live underwater like Aquaman. Comedians usually put Aquaman to task for having lame powers. "Who wants to talk to fish," these jokers glibly say. Hey, maybe fish know something that we don't. Maybe they are excellent story tellers. Maybe they are better rappers than humans. I just dislike how negative comedy is toward fish. Speaking of negative, do you ever have to jump your car to get it started? You got those cables that you have to untangle, then you gotta find somebody to jump your car. Is there anything more embarrassing than begging somebody to jump your car? What about when the people who won't help you do it? Don't you want to pull a plastic bag out of your backseat and suffocate those people and steal their cars?
Do you guys listen to underground music? A lot of people think it's exciting being the first of your friends to hear a new band. I'm like that, too. I spend a lot of time producing my own rap albums under the name MC Donald. I only rap about hamburgers. I never let anybody listen to my music. It helps me remain relevant in the alternative music scene. Speaking of scenes, you guys remember that scene from Psycho where Janet Leigh is taking a shower and Norman Bates stabs her? That's the reason I never take showers and have a hard time falling asleep in motels. Motels are pretty dingy though, aren't they? The last time I stayed at one I spent all night fighting over the blanket with a roach. Speaking of blankets, you guys know about the Snuggie? It's a blanket with sleeves that is popular with today's youth. If all you have to do to invent things is add sleeves then I got a great idea for a new kind of shotgun. Do you guys call shotgun when you're riding with a bunch of friends? Don't you hate the guy who tries to make up all these rules like "you can't call shotgun inside" or "you have to be able to see the car before you call it." It makes me want to pull out a shotgun and see if he makes a bunch of rules then. "You can't shoot me until you see the whites of my eyes." Pow.
Ha! You almost lost me talking about Mexican wrestling, then you totally won me over AND blew my brains out!!
ReplyDeleteHaha. I think it's fair to have rules for shotgun. You can't call it until everyone's outside and then whoever rides shotgun has to use a shotgun to kill Civil Rights Protesters. At least that's how we did it in the 60s.
ReplyDeletelol. you CAN'T call shotgun when you're inside. everyone knows that. you should open up for sarah palin when she goes on her comedy tour.
ReplyDeleteI would love to open for Sarah Palin. I don't like her as a politician, but I love her as a gentle stand-up.
ReplyDeletejake, my friend, you are truly in your best form in this article. i would pay the price of admission to see you, but not the price of travel to make it to illinois.
ReplyDeletein nm, they sold those wrestling masks everywhere.
Thanks Ingrid. That's another great reason for me to move to New Mexico!
ReplyDeleteyay!! we're going to NM!
ReplyDeletethis was funny when i read it the first time and it still makes me giggle.
Farkle! I said that because I was the last to comment on this post and I wanted to be the first - like what happens often when I want to be first to call shotgun.
ReplyDelete