Good Morning Passover

By Glenn 

Good morning, my Jewish brothers and sisters, or should I say "Shalom." Today is the third day of Passover, the traditional holiday that we all use to celebrate the liberation of our people from slavery in ancient Egypt. The foundation for this holiday is best represented in the film "The Ten Commandments" with Charlton Heston, a movie ABC used to show and I used to watch as a child every year around Easter. Was this another attempt by the NRA to brainwash legions of young children or the manifestation of my desire to, decades later, attend my first Passover Seder? The latter.

[If you aren't Jewish I hope you didn't read that. And if you are I hope you did.]


Today's Weather

God is mad and today's weather is not going to be good. All of you Californians are so upset when it rains once every two months? Enjoy some fucking frogs. I hope all of my friends who are thankful the Red River didn't flood North Dakota realize that their enslavement of the White Cloud buffalo is going to turn that river into its name. Enjoy some fucking blood. Finally for all you that use farming as a way to stay in touch with the land and avoid a miserable existentially vague existence in one of our suburban cores, god is mad at you too. Enjoy some fucking locusts. The moral of the story is that you shouldn't piss off god AND that most weather we experience is really not as bad as it could be.


Today's Mormon Encroachment
Hugh Hewitt, right-wing person, said that William Lobdell was a bigot since he said he had problems with Mormonism. He said this literally in front of me at an Americans United for Separation of Church and State event, but that doesn't make me buy his argument any more than I otherwise would believe anything from a person of his ilk. Mormons are trying to co-opt Passover:

Brigham Young University has hosted Seders open to the public for nearly 40 years, and this year's Provo Passover is its fourth in a row.

"I think this is an undeveloped area of our religion. It's our history, and we've lost it," Palmer said. "It's an important tradition to a lot of people in the world, and I'd like to understand it better."

The relationship between the faiths has been strained over the Mormon practice of posthumous baptisms, which have included the baptism of Jews killed in Nazi concentration camps.

Oh man, that is classic Mormonism! Those knuckleheads are always baptizing people killed in concentration camps and those who died from injuries sustained in backyard wrestling. If we want to keep Passover pure, we can't let anyone but Jews celebrate it!


Today's New Passover Tradition
Every Passover my family and I created one more tradition to add onto the already brilliant traditions that have been passed down from our Jewish ancestors for exactly 6,000 years. The Seder itself is a great exercise in collective effervescence and mutual respect. Dipping the parsley in salt water to represent the tears is great but how about a new tradition to reflect our modern times? For this year's Passover, it's time to take advantage of all that Catholic baby blood you've been storing in the basement after the ritualistic sacrifice Yahweh demands. Put it on your front door! This is similar to what the Hebrews did during Passover 6,000 years ago and it worked then. Let's add it to our family's traditions. Who says you can't perfect perfection?


Today's Prediction
The State of Israel will file a lawsuit against my family and I in International Court of Justice (or as I ignorantly call it "World Court") for infringing upon the Jewish trademarked Passover traditions. Vatican City will file a similar lawsuit against me for supporting the murder of Catholic infants in jest on a website. Finally, the Mormon Church will sue in local family court in order to have me posthumously baptized. When I present my defense of me still being alive, they will rush to settle. My initial offer will be to replace the Book of Mormon with William Lobdell's Losing My Religion. Lead Counsel for the Church, Mitt Romney, will accept.