Getting to Know the Bad Girls Club (A Beginners Guide)

By Gary 

I know what everyone is thinking "...But Gary who gives a shit about the BGC when Jersey Shore is all the rage!" The short answer is: I do. The Bad Girls Club, for those of you that don't know, is a "reality" show where a bunch of self proclaimed "Bad Girls" live in a giant mansion in LA. What is the catch you ask?!? There is no catch, that is the catch. THERE IS NO CATCH. These fine young women just live in a giant mansion. That's it and the only threat of being voted off the show is if you beat the shit out of someone or threaten to slit a house-mate's throat. Now I know a lot of shows promise this kind of stuff; fights, death threats, and a sex toy vending machine in the living room, but only the BGC delivers this not just once a season but sometimes 3 or 4 times an episode.

I know just reading the paragraph above makes you want to go a free TV show streaming website without regard for how many viruses will download to your computer...Wait. Just like any great TV show it is better once you get to know the characters.

Natalie

This girl is the huge cunt of the house. She loves cock teasing professional athletes into giving her a credit card. This tactic works roughly 0% of the time. You mainly see Natalie snuggling with a random football player in bed after a night of clubbing. You will then see her begging the guy for a credit card as him and his "crew" quickly leave shouting "hell nah". She's also known for spitting in people's faces whom tell her to shut the fuck up about fucking Bon Scott's grandson in a night club bathroom.

She also has a boyfriend! Here's the real mind fuck: Her boyfriend is a guy that desperately wants to be a famous rapper and Natalie desperately wants to fuck a famous rapper, and somehow from this show they are both becoming marginally famous.

Kate

Kate is the racist of the house. She once claimed that she didn't want to go to a "sweaty black place". I don't think she is that racist, she's just from a small town. I am from a small town and I consistently deny the holocaust on accident.

Kate shocked viewers when, after fighting with Natalie about her name dropping for half a season, she bonded with her through admitting she had sex with the lead singer of Nickleback. This is definitely something beginners need to know. When you start your all day series marathon for the first time... just remember that Kate had sex with the lead singer of Nickleback. To save face I think she should recant her story and claim it was the lead singer of a Nickleback cover band. I don't know why that is better, but it is.


Amber


Amber is the Bi-aphobic of the house. She is always on Bisexual cast-mate Flo's ass for not choosing a side. She views sexuality like it is Marvel Comic's Civil War mini-series. You are either an Iron Man girl or a Captain American girl...none of that Spiderman inbetweenie weenie bullshit.

Her raging bi-aphobia culminates in her breaking Flo's ankle. Yeah it was pretty sweet.

Flo


Flo is the bisexual of the house. She has a thick Brooklyn accent and always looks like she is three seconds away from curb stomping everyone in her sight. She famously got her ankle broken after being shoved in the pool by Amber. Flo retaliated with what pro-wrestling fans know as a devastating bitch toss.


Kendra


Kendra is the wild card of the house. It would seem to viewers that she has a giant wheel of her cast-mates and spins it each episode. Whatever person it lands on Kendra decides to fight with that day.

She is also famous for loving the sex toy vending machine, and throwing people's personal belongings out of windows. My diagnosis is that she is not so much a bad girl as a bi-polar girl. I expect the series to end with her calling 911 after drowning the entire cast in the hot tub.

Lexie


She is the mother of the house. She just wants everyone to have a good time and calm down. She will make a great mother someday. Oh and also like any good mother she loves getting trashed and getting naked. It will be one hell of a first birthday party for her son.

Annie

She is the quiet one. Annie's only claim to bad girlness is that she always sleeps with married men. She says it is because every guy she happens to be attracted to is married. I say it is because she is only attracted to 50 year old men wearing golf shirts in hotel bars.

Annie is also the smart one because she has glasses and has read a book.


I leave you with these fights from the first episode. This is just from one episode. ENJOY