Substitute Good Morning Post

By Nate 

Good morning, readers! I bet you were expecting Jake/Ingrid/Maddie/Glenn/Katy this morning, but he/she was too hungover/committed suicide/froze to death in North Dakota/had an existential break down and couldn't write one. On behalf of OYIT, I would like to offer him/her some aspirin/our condolences/an ice pick/a swift kick in the pants.

Today's Weather:

Since this is a substitute GM post, and I have no idea when it will post, I'd say my prediction is at least half as good as any fancy-pants weather man out there considering the effects of El Nino, Global Warming, and China's weather controlling machine.

Today, most of you will have a clear to cloudy day which may later turn to rain or clear off. Depending on the relative temperature, you may experience a blizzard or a flood, if you haven't already been frozen to death in North Dakota.

Tonight, it will be dark.

Today's Music Video:

Brother Ali's very uplifting song "Fresh Air"


If you haven't noticed by now, Ali is a white, albino rapper from the Twin Cities, but he actually struggles with his identity. Due to his weight and albinism, he was ridiculed and shunned from white circles in school and hung out with the black crowd where he felt more accepted. When he was breaking out on the indie-rap scene, music reporters assumed he was black due to his vocal stylings and his assumed Islam-inspired name. Ali let them report he was black at the time, but now almost regrets the decision.

If I were a music reporter, I could understand the confusion considering Congressman Keith Ellison, a black Muslim, was elected in a non-majority minority district near Minneapolis-St. Paul.

Today's Gimmick Twitter Account:

The Mime! Here is a classic tweet from The Mime:

...
2:40 PM Jan 29th from Birdhouse

Solid! He doesn't say much, but he's always reliable for a good laugh and provides an excellent perspective on cyber-life.

Today's Devotional:

I know I can't make it through my day without starting it with a cup of Folgers and a few minutes with The Lord. Today's verse comes from First John, Chapter 4, verse 18:

18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

I think God is trying to tell me that I shouldn't be afraid to lose my virginity, and when I have lost my virginity, I shouldn't fear because then I will be a Real Man. He also says I shouldn't get into BDS&M, though, because it is not Manly and will cause me to be afraid again.

I think.

What do you think?

Like the Constitution, I view the Bible as a "Living Document" that is up for interpretation. Let me know your interpretation in the comment section!

Today's Non-Weather Prediction:

Today, Jake/Ingrid/Maddie/Glenn/Katy will recover from the hangover/come back to life after three days like Jesus/star in a remake of Encino Man/move to a remote pond in New England to write a book. While at the pond, he/she will experience great precipitation relative to their climate and there will either be small animals caught up in hail stones or small animals caught up in a great flood. DAMN YOU, CHINA!!!

After the blizzard/flood, humanity will be in disarray. Brother Ali and Keith Ellison will be elected president on the Death to America ticket, narrowly defeating corporate ticket of Twitter/The Mime (he just couldn't articulate his platform!) The living documents The Constitution and The Bible will die and be replaced by Sharia Law and the Koran. Everyone will convert to Islam and assume an Arabic name upon losing their virginity and becoming a Real Man or Woman. And BDS&M will become the official sport of Obama's post-apocalyptic America.