Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue V]

By Katy

Hi Katy,
Is Joss Wheddon gay?
-nUm1JoSsFaN

Hi nUm1JoSsFaN,

If you were, in fact, the number one fan of Joss as your name suggests, you would know that he is married to a woman and has a little girl with said woman. Is he happy? Probably to some extent but he does like to explore the darker side of life.

Frankly, sir, I cannot say with all sincerity that's he's not gay. Everyone is a little gay, and we haven't talked in a while.

Hi Katy,
You seem to have a tone in your answers lately. I don't know what to call that tone exactly, so I'll refer to it as "exasperated." Is everything okay with you? I really look forward to your answers every week but when your emotional state dips it makes me upset too. In some ways your columns have turned me into an emotional parasite. My question is: what is your favorite anti-depressant? Would you ever use Ketamine recreationally?
Horsey Hannah

Hi Hannah,

You are beyond right. I have had an awful, horrific disposition as of late. I started off with that first question to illustrate precisely what has been upsetting my proverbial apple cart recently. Here's the thing, Hannah: I have an advanced Masters in Advice Columnisting, and rather than bringing me their troubles and concerns, their doubts and their dreams, their triumphs and their misfortunes, I have to put up with people requesting I be their glorified Google. I don't like it Hannah, not one bit. But you know what, Hannah? This is the end of Crabby Pants Katy. She left, she had some errands to run in the bottom of a well, and she will not be returning any time soon.

So, on with your question.

Ketamine is not the sort of drug I would recommend using recreationally, but I certainly hold nothing against the idea. If you find yourself waiting for that special day to arrive or wanting to cut off a few hours of lucid life, then by all means have a blast.

My anti-depressant of choice is life. When I wasn't living my life, I was pretty down in the dumps. I would take my troubles and hardships out on newbs cruisin' the internets and sending me ridiculous questions to answer. Now, I just answer those questions and continue LIVING. I've had the opportunity as of late to finally confess to all my friends and fellow contributors on OYIT that I am, in fact, a nerd. Rather than take me out back, shove a handkerchief soaked with kerosene in my mouth, and tauntingly wave a lighter before my face, they let me suffocate from the fumes by offering me the opportunity to write articles on memes and other nerd related material. It's an exhilarating feeling, to live.

As Maude said; "Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room."

Now go and love some more.

Hi Katy,
I have a beard and I've been letting it grow out the last couple weeks. Do you think I should let it keep growing or should I trim it up?
-Robert Beard Jr.

Hi Robert,

Let me first say, that while I try to keep my responses to my writers completely objective and void of any personal standpoint, I must claim a bias in this field. I love me some men with facial hair. I am often chided on this stance by several of my female friends. Until Maddie (just this week) came out about her huge crush on Mark Ruffalo, I thought myself broken. Maddie once again has proven herself my savior. Only a day later, one of my supervisors exclaimed his love of hairy men (specifically in the chestial area), widening my circle of bristle-loving acquaintances.

Hair, the stuff on one's head as well as facial, is a symbol of self expression and self definition. I can't really tell you whether or not to continue your hair growth unless you feel it's desirable to show that part of you in full bushy loads. What I can impart, is please do not be put off by the small number of hair-lovin' ladies (or men) out there. If they don't adore you for you and all your bearded glory, they're not the one for you anyway.

Hello Katy,
A strange visitor has entered my life and that is the disease known as HPV. I know that HPV can cause me cervical cancer but doesn't do anything to harm my boyfriend. I don't know if I gave it to him or he gave it to me but the point is that I'm the only one who's going to suffer from it! That doesn't seem fair. Was HPV invented as a way to control women?
-Diagnosed Diane

Hi Diane,

I think you're onto something with that whole "controlling women" theory. However, let's get something straight right off the bat. Yes, the human papillomavirus (HPV) very rarely shows symptoms in males and they are generally carriers. However, there are the unlucky few that will find themselves uncomfortably struggling with "genital warts." Some types can cause cancers in very uncomfortable places as well. Please visit this CDC link to learn more about HPV in men (and note how hard that guy is thinking about what he's just done).

Yes, it's most likely you're going to show symptoms and struggle with some pretty ucky issues down there for a few years. Is that fair? Of course it's not. Is it in large part due to a massive male conspiracy to keep our vaginas locked away? That's most likely. Men have been wielding their penises against (and into) our vaginas and random orifices for centuries, nay, millennia in order to get what they want, be that babies, sexual gratification, or a diseased hold on our livelihood. They need a way to mark their territory. That's right. HPV is the new scent marking, but let's call it a toss up. I mean, I'd take a low-risk STD coupled with cervical cancer over being urinated on any day. You can quote me on that.

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Enjoy your week, everyone! Have many problems, please, and as always, thanks for reading!