Hi Katy [Volume II Issue IV]

By Katy

Hi Katy,
I turn 21 todaay hw shold I celebrte? i have to work tomorrw so I don't want to get too crzy. Sory for the typoess i've already taken 15 shots.
-Twentyone Tammy

Hi Tammy,

Thank you for taking time out of your busy birthday celebration to pose this fun dilemma. The cool thing to do on your twenty-first birthday is to NOT get drunk, but since you've gone ahead and skipped that fad we'll move on. The key to a good 21st birthday is to treat it like your last, because statistically 37% of 21-year-olds die on this birthday. So, to keep you safe, here's a few fun-filled ideas to maximize celebration and safety:

Go out with all your friends for a wacky evening dinner at Texas Roadhouse. Those people throw peanuts EVERYWHERE. Plus, you get to sit on the saddle while the waiting staff sings to you and feeds you ice cream. Wear something low-cut.

Play freeze tag inside Wal-Mart. With people like this running around, no one will even notice.

Look up the address of your senior year Brit Lit teacher, go to his house, and have sex with him.

Hang out at Village Inn (or Denny's, Perkins, Waffle House, or any geographically similar fine dining establishment) from 3AM to 5AM re-telling the story of how you finally made it with your Brit Lit teacher.

Randomly yell "I'm totally going to get a tattoo!" But then don't get a tattoo, you'll totally regret it, unlike the sex you had with your Brit Lit teacher.

Just be sure to make it home in one piece by morning, you have a job to get to missy! (Also, those bullet points were not about my senior year Brit Lit teacher).

Hi Katy,
My dick don't work so good.
-Broken Dick

Hi Broken,

I don't really see how this is a question. You didn't necessarily imply that you'd like your dick to work better, so if all you want is sympathy, here's a picture of a sad kitten:


I hope you get that whole thing worked out.

Hi Kathy,
I'm having a tough time with regular sized condoms. I switched to them from magnum because they just don't make any fun condoms in that size. So, I wore a few regular condoms, they fit really snug... anyways, what I'm trying to get at is which one is your favorite Ninja Turtle?
Sincerely Yours,
-Condom Shredder.

Hi Shredder,

I had to have a talk with five-year-old me to get this all straightened out. My name is Katy, by the way. If I recall correctly, I was a big fan of Donatello.

1.) He has a purple bandanna (sometimes).
2.) He's totally way smart.
3.) The tension between Donatello and April taught me all I ever learned about sex.

Mind you, this is specific to the turtles. If I had to name my favorite character, I would hands down go with Shredder. I had a mad crush on that dude. Mmph. It was obvious Donatello could never win April's heart because secretly she yearned for this ripped, Japanese super villain to tear that jumpsuit right off and plow her in the back of the news van. (I apologize if this was supposed to be comic-book specific, but it was much easier to watch the television show when I was five in order to comprehend these interlocking romances.)

Hi Katy,
If all my friends are doing coke at a party and offer some to me, do I have to pay them to snort it? What is the correct etiquette in such a situation?
-Emily Etiquette

Hi Emily,

This is tough. The rules of marijuana usage are pretty universally understood, but coke can be confusing. If you are directly offered coke, i.e. you've been invited into a room or area with several other party-goers with the sole intention of snorting cocaine and you are literally handed said cocaine to snort, then, no. You absolutely should not have to pay for it, especially if this is the beginning stages of your life's decline.

If this situation begins to arise more often, it's only polite that you either offer some degree of monetary compensation or bring your own coke. I would try the money offering first, because it's possible your host or fellow cocaine snorters will turn it down. Then you have your answer. Unfortunately, this usually only works if you're hanging out at a Hollywood mansion in the 60's. Otherwise, it's likely you're "chillin' out" in the basement of your friend's mom's house and therefore cocaine isn't so easy to come by and after stealing this batch off the hooker down the street, you're going to need to fork over some cash to get some more.

I hope this doesn't ruin your life.