Existential Meditations

By Bub 


He slithered his way into town before sunrise. When the locals awoke they were surprised to find him sliming his way through their peaceful burg. He was a giant worm – eight feet long – with the head of a human. A mob gathered around and at someone’s suggestion they clubbed him to death without asking why he’d came.


An Archaeopteryx walked into a pub in downtown Minneapolis. He ordered a Gin Giblet. The bar-tender then committed suicide.


Two cowboys came across a cactus in the desert. It was visibly weeping. One cowboy asked aloud ‘what the heck is that?’ The other cowboy began weeping himself.


Two cars pull up beside each other at a stop light. They are both convertibles with their tops down. One has a tall, dark and handsome gentleman inside the other has a beautiful, elegantly dressed woman. The tall, dark and handsome man leans over and says to the elegantly dressed woman – ‘You look beautiful tonight’. The woman says to the tall dark and handsome gentleman, ‘You don’t look so bad yourself’. The man smiles nervously, looks down, then back to the woman and confesses, ‘you know, I have to say, I just got done murdering two people’. Then the lights changed.


Two children built a snowman. One child said to the other, ‘I wish he would come alive’. The other child replied, ‘I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.’


An asteroid fell on top of a house crushing the house’s occupants in entirety. When the police arrived the asteroid fled on foot.


Three horses were taking turns jumping over a fence. A man emerged from the woods and stabbed one of the horses to death. The other horses fled in fear as he feasted on the horse flesh. The remaining two horses never stabbed anyone again.


A great King sat in judgment in his thrown as a peasant pleaded before him. The peasant was asking for a reprieve for his uncle who was sentenced to quartering for pig thievery. The King said, ‘I can do even better’, and then reached down below his throne and retrieved a bushel of turnips. ‘Here you are. They’re yours. The whole lot.’ ‘But, me lord…’ started the peasant. ‘No argument now, I insist! Perhaps you do not realize how wealthy our kingdom is for its King to have bushels of turnips to spare, but I assure you I am not put out by even such a generous gift as this.’ ‘Thank you me lord’ said the peasant as he lurched backwards out of the throne-room, bowing with every step, bushel of turnips in hand.


At the beach party a horrifying, unidentifiable sea creature washed ashore. The frightened party-goers gathered around, with surf-boards and sticks in hand, ready to begin clubbing the beast to death. At the last moment the mystical sea creature stood, walked over to the DJ table and began spinning extremely fresh beats.