Debate: Who is the Most Sexually Active Sesame Street Star?

By Jake and Glenn 

A lot of people might be offended by our perverse interest in the sexual activity of puppets. Yet, it is perfectly normal to ponder the love-making habits and what positions are their favorites. While Sesame Street is a children's show, the characters do face real life situations: being roommates, addiction, poverty, coping with HIV and learning the alphabet. It's only natural to wonder about the sexuality of the characters. This debate may end up being as controversial as Sesame Street itself has been recently, with the appearance of Michelle Obama and Dennis Rader, the "BTK" killer. We hope overall people will have a better idea of the sexual lives behind our favorite childhood creatures.



-Jake: As far as puppets go, the ones on Sesame Street are pretty sexy. While Grover, Prairie Dawn and Mr. Snuffleupagus are the sexiest, I think they are some of the most chaste stars on Sesame Street. A lot of rumors have gone around about Burt and Ernie being gay, but even if they are, they've been living together for so long that their lovemaking probably has decreased to no more than three times a week. I would also rule out Elmo because I think he's a child and children mostly have sex only when forced. I am going to have to argue that Cookie Monster is the most sexually active character on Sesame Street. He is a maniac and women love a bad boy. When he goes to the bar, bakery or the city dump to visit Oscar the Grouch, he probably meets a great deal of female prospects. If a woman is hanging out at the city dump she's probably DTF.

Glenn: Though I am offended by Jake's insinuation that because a woman is hanging around a city dump she has low sexual standards, I'm even more offended by the way Cookie monster treats women when he wants to break up with them (similar to what Dennis Rader does). I posit, initially, that Big Bird is the most sexually active. Although we have never seen a full frontal shot of Big Bird's genitals, I identify him as a male because he is tall, yellow and has respect for people around him. I personally know hundreds if not dozens of women who specifically list being tall as a prerequisite for physical attraction in a male partner. This frustrates me. It isn't because I'm short - fully erect I stand at 6'2" - but because it is an unfair standard to place on people. However, I know this is why Big Bird is the most sexually active. He's deferential but at the same time through his height emits an aura of power and control. Sesame Street, like a construction site or the US Congress, is overwhelmingly male and Big Bird stands head and shoulders above the rest.

Jake: You're correct that Big Bird is a fine feathered fellow and quite tall. Yet, it's his good nature and respect for women probably keeps him from "scoring." While Big Bird is trying to have a genuine emotional experience with his women (talking about feelings, listening to albums she likes), Cookie Monster is trying to get down and dirty. Cookie Monster is a loose cannon, both in a bakery and the bedroom. Women find his blue fur adorable and his ping-pong eyeballs "dreamy." Would you rather cuddle up next to Cookie Monster or a big bird? Until the Jim Henson Workshop acknowledges the letters I keep sending we'll have to wait for the Sesame Street full-sized sex dolls and dream about cuddling with Sesame Street's blue bad boy, the Cookie Monster.

Glenn: I'd much rather be with Big Bird. I prefer to be intimately involved with people who are emotionally stable, which would not be an accurate way to describe Cookie Monster or even Telly Monster. The latter's low self-esteem inhibits healthy sexual interactions while the former's erratic mood swings and manic approach to life means you can't count on Cookie to be around when you need him. Big Bird could fly away, granted, but he wouldn't because this isn't about a numbers game with him. He has many partners but usually not at the same time. He's searching for the same intimacy and compatibility that we all are - it's just harder for him to find it because he's a giant bird and spends most of his time with children and other bizarre creatures. Another thing to remember: Big Bird is famous. People dig celebrities.

Jake: One thing I feel you're not fully comprehending is that Cookie Monster smells like cookies. In a recent poll 87% of women said that the smell of cookies is their number one aphrodisiac. I'm not completely sure that Cookie Monster knows how to make cookies, but he is always around if you're making them. Did you know that Sesame Street is the only street in America with 26 bakeries? It's true. The constant smell of cookies emanating from Sesame Street has the women in a constant daze of lust. Cookie Monster merely has to swoop in, smelling of cookies himself, and 'seal the deal' so to speak. Big Bird is too sensitive. He'd probably just play a Dashboard Confessional song about teardrop rainbows. Cookie Monster is a man who knows what he wants and women find that irresistible, and most men do, too.

Glenn: If you want a man/creature/manchild who will give you one night of pleasure followed but weeks of anxiety and hurt, Cookie Monster is your guy. I'm sure he's had sex with tons of the female puppets including Mariah Cowey, the cow version of Mariah Carey. The reason I think Big Bird overall has more partners is because he's older - around 100 or 200 years - and because he treats women and men better. The way Big Bird has been able to accumulate an impressive numbers of lovers isn't because he preys on those with low self-esteem, but because he makes genuine connections with people. Granted sometimes they're just flings that dissipate when someone moves away or when Snuffalufagus eats the person. But for the time they are together, Big Bird will make you feel like there's no one else alive except the two of you. Cookie Monster will make sure that no one else is alive including you.