As you’ve probably noticed by now, OYIT tends to attract a certain type of individual. Most of the writers and regular readers of the site suffer from a variety of mental and emotional disabilities ranging from mild autism (Mikey) to full blown sociopathy (Glenn). Those of us who aren’t chemically aberrant had such dysfunctional childhoods that it’s impossible for us to lead normal lives anyway. For years we roamed through life as outcasts -- hated as children, forgotten as adults, completely alienated from polite society -- until, one by one, we stumbled upon this deranged website and established a community. What, you don’t believe me? You think I’m exaggerating the link between insanity and OYIT as I’ve previously exaggerated the link between deodorant and Alzheimer’s? I have proof here. At the rate of $349 per hour (the ads will cover it, right?), I’ve hired Mario Glockman, MD, a top psychiatrist at Harvard, to interpret what our most frequently tagged topics say about us. Dr. Glockman, thanks for joining us.
Mario Glockman, MD: Thank you.
OYIT: Dr. Glockman, we are going to present you with the five most frequently tagged topics from our blogging site with the hopes that you could analyze them and give us some sort of diagnosis. We know something’s wrong with us, but we can’t agree what it is.
Glockman: Very well, then, let’s hear them.
5. Pet horses (4 tags)
Glockman: Ah, yes. To own a pet pony -- a common fantasy amongst imbeciles and retards. What this says to me is that some of the writers of this site may have experienced certain events that stunted their emotional growth. When one experiences a traumatic incident in childhood, frequently we see that their development halts at whichever age he or she was when the incident occurred.
OYIT: So, for example, when I was six, I once barfed on the cutest boy in class, which was very traumatic. And today, I still wet the bed and cry when my parents leave. Could there be a connection?
Glockman: Quite possibly. Or possibly your bladder is simply defective.
4. TV Show Idea (6)
Glockman: When an ordinary person believes himself or herself to be extraordinary, we in the medical profession call that person delusional. Frequently schizophrenics have delusions of grandeur, believing, for example, that they have solved an extremely complex mathematical riddle when actually they have just filled a notebook with nonsensical babble. That you people believe you are capable of coming up with television program ideas when some of you, like Ingrid, are not even capable of making OYIT’s “Best of…” list leads me to believe you are all perhaps delusional schizoids. OYIT: But I was living Liz Lemon’s life ten years before the writers even came up with the concept for 30 Rock. It was my idea! I could easily be a writer for that show. I like cheese so much.
Glockman: My point exactly.
3. Willie Aames (7)
Glockman: Honestly, this one befuddles me. I didn’t even realize people watched Charles in Charge when it was originally airing. You people virtually worship this guy decades later. I have no diagnosis here except for good old-fashioned stupidity.
OYIT: Thanks, Doctor! We do like to uphold traditional values wherever possible.
2. Weather (37)
Glockman: Your preoccupation with the weather leads me to believe that you each suffer from some form of social anxiety disorder. When one has a panic attack, adrenaline surges through one’s body and one’s brain reverts to fight-or-flight mode, in which one can only react to stimuli in the most simplistic, animalistic ways. When confronted by peers in a social setting, the socially anxious person, brain clouded by adrenaline, is unable to propose any but the most basic of conversational topics. I think that is what you’ve done here. Unable to relate to others, but yearning to find some form of human relationship, you have reverted to the least interesting topic in the world: the weather.
1. Ryan Gosling (55)
Mario Glockman, MD: Look, Ryan Gosling is hot. Even the sane feel this way. The fact that you’ve mentioned Gosling so frequently on this site actually gives me a small amount of hope. You are acknowledging, even identifying with popular culture, and this means, with intense therapy and high dosages of certain drugs, you might one day shed your current handicaps and rejoin society. Except for Mikey. There is no hope for Mikey.
OYIT: Well, thank you, Dr. Glockman, for taking the time to analyze and diagnose OYIT. Can I ask--
Glockman: That will be $349.
OYIT: Yeah, we’ll pay you, we were just hoping that we could ask --
Glockman: $349.
OYIT: …
Glockman: $349.
This article should be tagged with 'Roman Shower.'
ReplyDeleteThis was lovely to read, Ingrid. These uncomfortably accurate explanations of the psychological disorders I struggle with on a daily basis just make me glad we only have two "am I an accessory to rape" tags.
ReplyDeleteHaha! Thanks Ingrid it was about time someone made use of all those tags. They are one of the many hidden joke-treasures of the website. There are others of course, including one in this very comment!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what Bub is refering to, although from reading his articles i know it is the truth. I think that mikey may be the only sane person here. I mean, come on... Who doesn't love Arby's?
ReplyDeletei wish someone would actually write an article about ryan gosling.
ReplyDelete