Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue III]

By Katy

Hi Katy,
I recently watched a Tyra Banks show called "Women Who Beat Their Men." Have you seen this episode? What is your opinion on woman-on-man domestic violence?
-Abusin' Abbie

Hi Abbie,

I'm sad to say I missed that episode of Tyra. I'm generally against any form of violence and don't see a reason why women beating men should be considered more socially acceptable than men beating women, or women beating women, or men beating men, or nations beating each other. I'm also generally against The Tyra Banks Show.

Now, just because I'm against it, doesn't mean I haven't done it. I once chucked a VHS tape at my then-boyfriend's face, hitting him on the bridge of his nose and eye. Having been in this situation and looking at it retrospectively, it's not a good idea. Sure, it makes the point of your sheer frustration, but it certainly doesn't make an inevitably bad relationship any better. Breaking up does.

If the violence is occurring with the express permission of the other party (a safe word works well here) then I say go all out.Throw in or a Judas chair into the mix for extra fun... and possible death and pending lawsuits.

Hi Katy,
I want to drink wine and be gay and shit like in that movie Sideways. Wat is the best kind of wine to drink while being a fag? I have to know because I'm going to a gay bachelor party at a vineyard in a week.
-Gay Grapes Gary

Hi Gary,

I drink a pretty okay amount of wine and consider myself to be somewhat of a connoisseur, but even I need some help this time. So, I turned to the experts that have helped so often in my time of need; Hy-Vee Wine & Spirits. For those readers not from the Midwest, Hy-Vee is a chain of pretty decent grocery stores, and their employees in the booze department are surprisingly knowledgeable in wine selection. I asked my pal "Jim" what wine he'd recommend. He slapped me across the face, called me a commie bastard, tore up my moscato membership chart, banned me from all area Hy-Vees and as I sauntered sadly out the door, he yelled "white zinfandel."

I was sad at first (and believe me, you will be buying my 12th bottle of moscato for the rest of eternity) until I realized Jim has no idea what he's talking about. He must have thought I said "wine for vagrants" rather than "wine for faggots." Homosexuals are way too classy for a $4 bottle of Beringer.

Since Jim was no help, I did some additional research to provide you with the best possible answers. Mundo Gay advertises itself as a "wine for the gay community." Tendre Bulle Gay Vin quickly followed this gay Spanish invention, alas, France will never be first. If neither of these choices work for you, I recommend a single barrel bourbon.

Hi Katy,
What is the best Woody Allen movie? I want to sound intellectual when I talk about him at parties. Should I say things like, "His early work is exceptional, while his later films are subpar?"
-Woody Wannabe

Hi Wannabe,

You're a dick.

I assume you Facebook stalked me, found out my love of Woody Allen and wrote this question to mock my personal interest. Well, that's awesome, I'm glad to have a fan.

MY favorite Woody Allen movies are Love & Death and Manhattan, but since I'm the only person under the age of sixty to have seen either of these movies, they don't help my intellectual appeal. While I agree that his older movies outrank his latter movies, I did enjoy Snoop, Vicki Christina Barcelona and most recently, Whatever Works. Say what you will about Woody Allen and his movies, but he made an excellent choice by picking Larry David to star in this film. Larry David is the new, angrier Woody Allen.

You're still a dick.

Hi Katy,
I'm not getting enough sleep. Even though I'm hitting near my eight hours a night, every morning it's very hard to get out of bed. How can I feel more well rested or get to sleep sooner? I work a lot, but I should theoretically have enough time to get my beauty rest at night.
-Sleepless Sam

Hi Sam,

I'm very sorry to hear about your sleeping problems. Are you really old? Because my grandpa is really old and he has real bad sleeping problems. I used to have problems sleeping, but then I started working 70 hours a week and going to school full-time and volunteering for random organizations and writing for blogs and now I don't even have time to feed my cat! But more important than the health of my cat, I no longer have time to be tired.

So, your sleeping troubles are either because you're too inactive, or you're extremely old, OR, you're experimenting with meth. Let's hope it's either A or C, because you're basically out of luck if you're old.

If you're getting your eight hours of sleep, try to make sure you're sleeping those same hours every night (or day). Smoke marijuana before bed--it helps with sleep and it saves you from the headache and upset stomach you'll wake up with if you take sleeping pills or drink alcohol. Go to sleep listening to something soothing; here's a link to a female saying random things over random soothing music, or A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity read by Bill O'Reilly. The nightmares may help you never want to sleep again and you'll stop being tired and start being afraid.


That's all for today! Keep sending those questions and keeping reading this blog and clicking on our ads so we can continue to be awesome.