Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue II]

By Katy 

Hi Katy,
How do i get my girlfriend of one year, who is totally against smoking the green to smoke with me. My friends say i should just trick her into it, maybe bake a cupcake with it in there but i don't think I bake well enough for that to work. Do you have any advice?
-Smokin' Steve

Hi Steve,

Yeah, all I have is advice. In the words of BSB, get another [girl]friend.

It's obvious that two people that love each other don't need to have everything in common, but I have made the point in the past that a few fundamental issues need to be decided upon. Green smoking is one of them. Some might say that because your girlfriend is sweet enough to understand you are your own person and you like your drugs and she lets you have your fun, that's good enough to keep a strong, healthy relationship. But is it?

People that smoke marijuana (more commonly referred to as pot, weed, grass, green, mary jane, chronic, reefer, boo-yah, and herb) think on a completely different wave length than that of a "non-smoker." They see everything, and they see it clearly. They can foresee conspiracy theories, dissect every profound layer of Grandma's Boy, understand the real reason behind the Civil War (incorporating the "IN GOD WE TRUST" logo on our other green), and taste food to the degree in which you could never imagine. Seriously, have you ever tasted food high? It's like a mouth orgy. A couple should be able to enjoy dinner together, right?

Anyway. If you two can't see eye to eye on these simple pleasures, I don't see much hope for your girlfriend. You could try the cupcake thing, but most likely she'll be pretty upset that you threw this on her unawares, so instead just break up with her. THAT she can probably seen coming.

Hi Katy,
My tooth hurts so bad. I have no insurance sadly so all i do is cry in a corner. Do you think if i tie a string around it and a door handle an slam the door i will rid my mouth of the source of the pain it is feeling?
-Sore Tooth Sally

Hi Sally,

Well, yeah, don't mess with a proven method I always say. Of course, it'll hurt like hell for days after, so I'd suggest keeping a bottle of brandy (I'm a big fan of blackberry) around to dab on those sore gums and drink large quantities of.

I understand the frustration you must have, lacking insurance and all. I mean, I kind of understand, but I have insurance, including dental, so I don't really understand it all, though my mom has said many times that you should get to the doctor now before Obama's healthcare plan kicks in and you can never get in to see another doctor again. I bet that'll be much more irritating than paying $1200 out of pocket. What my mom and so many others fail to realize is that people won't need to flood the waiting rooms of our nation's doctors once they realizes these simple methods still exists to fix most of our ails. Examples:

Broken Bone: Plaster of Paris and popsicle sticks. Set it annnnnnd forget it. Consume brandy for the pain.

Sore Throat: Chug some honey, drink some tea, and brandy, brandy, brandy.

Stubbed Toe: Drink some brandy and stop crying about it, this isn't Croatia, 1992.

Torn Ligament: Constant massage and a $3 wheel chair from Goodwill.

Depression: Brandy.

I hope that tooth feels better soon.

Hi Katy,
I'm having trouble getting people to comment on my blog. Do you think the threat of physical violence will solve my problems?
-Violent Valerie

Hi Valerie,

No, Val, the threat of violence has been known to solve very little (other than keeping kidnap victims in line, but the same can be accomplished with cocaine and Beanie Babies). VIOLENCE, however, can do a great deal. If you tell someone you plan on breaking their kneecaps, they're likely to laugh it off. If you break their kneecaps, they're more likely to get your message, AND as a bonus, they'll be stuck at home on the computer for weeks while it heals. What can they do but submit to your blogging needs?

Violence can get you into trouble, though, so I wouldn't do the knee breaking totally on your own. It's best to accomplish these things through certain channels, keep your name out of it, and add lackeys to your constant beckoning call. After a few of these incidents occur, only then can you stop acting, and stick to threatening. You have to build up a pretty decent follow through before you can relax and assume these people know you mean business. Remember to send a basket of flowers or candy to said victim after knee bashing ensues, that way they know you still care. Happy hunting! Haha, just kidding... guns are for suckers.

Hi Katy,
Is it okay to let a child play with a toy gun? I played with one when I was a kid and I'm a stock broker.
-Stock Option Omar

Hi Omar,

Guns are perfectly safe for children to play with and pretty awesome at that. When I was younger I had a rubber band gun, three to five water guns, an air rifle, a cap gun, and my favorite, my grandfather's S&W .41 magnum. I haven't murdered a single person IRL, so I know these toys did little to damage my psyche or societal productivity. In fact, I don't own any sort of gun at this time.

Society might tell you that putting these ideas into your child's head at an early age is irresponsible and likely to lead to school shootings, but I used to play Ghost in the Graveyard all the time when I was little and not once have I turned into a ghost. My sister and I also used to play waitress growing up. We would get a little pad of paper and take my dad's order and refill his coffee and overflow his plate with plastic steaks and french fries and what came of it? We made extremely profitable careers serving food to people in need at various restaurants across the Midwest. We knew which life lessons were important to accept and which were better left to the quadriplegic hunters of the world.

Don't let your kid become a stock broker, have some common sense Omar.