Good Morning From OYIT [A Brand New Day Edition]

A brand new day, yes, but more importantly, a brand new year! IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Most of you are probably reading this at 8PM nursing the hangover you developed from one too many party mimosas, but as for me it's 4:13AM, I'm sober as a kitten, and coming at you from my own little cubicle in this big bad office making time and a half. So, the last four hours have already held more promise for me than any of the Lord of The Rings trilogy. So, sit back, Little Johnny, ready or not it's 2010.

Today's Weather

Since the new year is all about a new you, instead of telling you the weather, I have given you a collection of stickers that you may now print off your computer or copy into Paint, thus allowing you, the reader, to control your own future and destiny, to decide what weather you'd like. I'd go for some mild overcast with a hint of light peaking behind the fluffy, yet chilling clouds....but I sleep during the day. Soar to whatever heights your little weathered brain creates.

Predictions for the New Year

Let's talk prophecies! It'll be like the end of the yearbook where everyone gets picked for some random, obtuse talent or personality trait OR lifelong love until someone breaks up with their boyfriend two weeks after the photo is taken because they've been sleeping around the entire time which really sheds new light to calling it "Romeo & Juliet". (That can't possibly be too soon.)

Failed Actor Most Likely to Land His Own Sitcom Lasting Exactly Six Episodes: Sean Marshall. No, not the Chicago Cubs left-handed pitcher, but Sean Marshall, the little boy who won all of our hearts in Disney's 1977 classic Pete's Dragon. This kid hasn't been credited to any film, television show, animated voice acting, or street theater performance since 1980. If there's one thing Neil Patrick Harris taught us from his wildly successful return to humorous television on How I Met Your Mother, it's that child stars can make a mean comeback. Now's your time, Sean, don't waste those six half-hours of glory.

Craziest Thing Glenn Beck Will Say All Year: Quoting Mahatma Gandhi, Beck will utter the words "I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers," laugh softly, and proceed to swallow an entire bucket of floppy discs in the name of justice, liberty, and fascism.

Biggest Celebrity Death of 2010: Marlon Brando. I know what you're thinking. Katy, Marlon Brando died in 2004. I remember it. I cried for three weeks! I'm not denying that any of that is true. But you missed my unpublished prediction about how this year science will finally try to bring a man back to life, and with the helpful funds from Hollywood, Brando is first on the list. It'll last about 5 hours wherein Brando will truly discover the woes of having his last tango in Paris. (Also see: Most Awesome Pun of 2010.)

Biggest Celebrity Scandal of 2010: The Phelps. This year is finally the year when the public no longer stands by as Fred Phelps and Shirley Phelps-Roper hurl melted malt balls at Lady Gaga. Oh, no. Finally, we'll look into this family and figure out just how close they are. I'd give you the details here, but even I find nothing amusing about incestuous rape.

Most Anticipated Movie Sequel of 2010: Dead Poets Society II: Return to Welton starring Ed Helms as John Keating, finally allowed to return to Welton Academy for Boys to once again teach literature. Unfortunately, since he was released several years earlier he's found himself losing his grip on transcendentalism in favor of Johnnie Walker. Rather than tearing books apart, he now hurls the books through the classroom at a rate of speed Bob Feller would envy. Early on in the film, this book throwing fiasco ends quickly, with the abrupt decapitation of the school's brightest young pupil, Bartholomew (Zak Efron). Keating fleas the school to the nearest bar where he meets Mini (Stockard Channing), an aging hooker who after hearing his story, tells her own about an unfortunate occurrence with a litter of kittens and an RCA cable. They leave the bar together and head out on the town where Mini teaches Keating how to love life again by being spontaneous and heckle-some. They eat pancakes for dinner and tickle stray rocks with pigeon feathers. They return to Keating's apartment to make love into the early morning hours. When Keating gets up to take a shower and wash the smell of chlamydia from his loins, he returns to bed only to find a kitten, quietly swatting a RCA cable. He keeps the kitten and names it Petunia, and proceeds to sit around his apartment for the rest of the day watching Blossom reruns with a smile on his face.

There it is friends. I don't know about you, but I've already Fandago'd my ticket for Dead Poet's Society II. If Ed Helms pulls his weight in this one, I can't wait to report next New Years Day on his wild success in Cedar Rapids.

I considered going on, but if you've stuck it out this far, then it's only fair that I allow you to crawl back into bed, take a few Tylenol, and remember that the disappointment has yet to come. I'm not going to dwell on how I just got a paycut, lost my 401K, or suspended from my second job all but two days ago. No, friend. Enjoy the fuzzy aftermath of your questionably amoral New Year's Eve on the morrow. Let today just be a brand new day.