Good Morning, I'm Sorry [You'd Rather Not Read This One Edition]

By Katy 

It's nice to be back and not have to make a holiday-themed good morning post. I'm suppose to be studying for my science exam on Wednesday, a test that will make or break the next three and a half years of my relationship with my mentor, the college, and my ability to teach children with behavior disorder, but I'm happy to set all of that aside to bring you theatrical reviews and life changing exposition. What I'm not going to bring you today is the weather, because I'm tired of being cold, I'm not entirely fond of the current driving conditions, and I'm most certain when I arrive home to my apartment this morning I'll find my heat still hasn't kicked on and my cat will be frozen mid-vomit. A loss and a win.

In fact, upon further speculation and my inability to think up anything remotely interesting to bring to you today I have decided to ONLY do theatrical reviews. Upon still further retrospect, this being several hours later than when that was originally typed, you probably just don't want to read this at all. The experience will be akin to reading my angst-ridden journal entries to my mom from 7th grade. Go ahead, turn back now and join me again next week.

Today's Theatrical Reviews

Daybreakers (Rated R for strong, bloody violence, language, brief nudity, and Ethan Hawke's breathtaking blue eyes.)

I have A LOT to say about this (and I mean I'm preparing to go on a ranting rampage the likes of which OYIT hasn't witnessed from me, not even in Hi Katy, feel free to skip ahead to the synopsis). As many of you don't know, I haven't had cable or even local TV in over a year and the only time I'm on the internet is to write my Good Morning post or read Fark's Caturday thread, so I'm usually out of the loop as far as new movies, television shows, books... basically anything that falls under the category of "pop culture" that hasn't been created by Joss Whedon or OYIT. Because of that, I was completely prepared to make a fantastic vampire joke at the expense of this movie's title. I was crushed when I read on to find out it actually is a movie about vampires.

There was once a glorious day when I would sell my sister's first born child just to see a new vampire movie, but then something happened (that baby turned out to be Bub's and we did not agree upon my vision for her future use). It all began in 2004 with Van Helsing. Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckensale, a fun amount of overlapping mythology and our very own Dracula. It was promising. But rather than make our mark upon the world with the Bela Lugosi of the new millennium, we wound up dialogue-heavy, with repetitive, yet boring action sequences and a Dracula with thrall powers of Perez Hilton. Yep, I went there. The next atrocity occured when 30 Days of Night was turned into a movie. A slow-moving, unbelievably dull movie. Even Josh Hartnett, the throb of my teenage heart, only helped me fall swiftly to sleep before the conclusion (of which I assume the then-governor does a helicopter fly by, harpooning vampires left and right and until finally the cast and crew get it while she screams "this sort of thing just isn't appropriate for our children,"). The last straw? Twilight. I'm not even getting into this one because it personally sucks my soul away everyday I'm reminded of its existence. Despite the uproar this pop culture phenomenon has caused us all, whether you love it, hate it, secretly love it but mock it, secretly hate it but wear a 'Team Edward' hoodie, hold public book burnings once a week to save us from it, the fact will always hold true and I'm not (entirely) ashamed to say it: the movie was by far the largest and most vast butchering of a book I have ever had to (voluntarily) sit through. From plot and dialogue to themes and emotion (or rather, the lack of) to casting and blocking; the Twilight of literature and the Twilight of cinema are not one in the same.

Because of all this and more, I don't think I'll ever be excited to see another vampire film in my lifetime, until vampires are making them. So, here we go, with just another film about some vamps doing the exact same things vamps have been doing in literature since I picked up my first Amelia Atwater-Rhodes novel; struggling to denounce human blood and falling in love with humans.

Synopsis: In just 9 short years, despite the fact that science has delivered zero theories pertaining to the actual existence of vampires and given our ability to reason it's clear they cannot function as they do in mythology, in the year 2019 we find ourselves amidst the setting of Daybreakers, where humans have become scarce and hidden among the growing epidemic of the vampire. A vampire, played by none other than recently departed (from film anyway) pretty boy Ethan Hawke, is also a freaking SCIENTIST on a mission to create some sort of synthetic blood (because OF COURSE he doesn't drink human blood). He meets a human, a girl human named Audrey (Claudia Karvan) and together they figure some amazing secret to something about doing something with blood. Hold onto your seats everyone, this is your grandmother's vampire movie.

Leap Year (Rated: PG for adorable)

Let's take a drastic jump from the mournful, youthful sorrows and on to something we all love: romantic comedies. This movie has already won my heart. It's about Ireland and Amy Adams is in it, the latter being something I never thought I'd state. I first met Amy Adams (figuratively, on my television that is) acting along side Robin Dunne in Cruel Intentions 2. I hated this movie the first time I saw it. It took Cruel Intentions, a scarily salacious teen drama about love and loss, and turned it into a farce with creepy, underaged orgasm jokes. Once I realized it was meant to take place before Cruel Intentions and actually meant to be funny rather than dramatic, I just hated it for a whole new reason, Amy Adams included. She also played a real stuck-up whorebag in a Buffy episode. I think I started to change my tune when she guest starred in a handful of Office episodes and then fell completely in love with her when I finally made myself watch Enchanted. She is just precious.


Synopsis: Amy stars as Anna, a girl on a mission to propose to her boyfriend in Dublin based on an Irish tradition about women proposing to their significant others on Leap Day, which is grounds for them to say "yes" no matter what. Watch out for those girls in 2012, Irish boys! Haha... ahhh.... anyway, a bunch of stuff happens to Anna in the way of weather, delayed flights, mustard stains on a cardigan, the usual, and she meets Declan (Matthew Goode) and spends the next hour and a half learning about life, love, and Irish jigs.

Youth in Revolt (Rated R for sexting, language, and the admittance that marijuana is used by teenagers; often.)

Synopsis: Some poor kid stuck with the name Nick Twisp (Michael Cera) attempts to ignore the failing marriage of his parents, and instead focus on winning the heart of his hardcore crush, Sheeni Saunders and with any luck, lose that pesky virginity.

I know I tend to be rather cynical, especially when it comes to my Friday movie reviews, but you know what? I like Michael Cera. I think his youthful bumbling is adorable and his comedic timing is unlike so many bumbling nerds before him. He probably threw himself into this type-casted part a little too soon, but I love it. This is also a film adaptation of the book series by C.D. Payne, who wrote an episode of Recess that aired in 1998, so I'm sold on that front, too. Furthermore, for all of you out there still doubting what will no doubt be utter theatrical enjoyment, the film is directed by Miguel Artera, who (among other things) directed an episode of The Office (US), Freaks and Geeks, and a few Six Feet Under episodes. Most importantly, he's set to direct Cedar Rapids, a film I promise to stop plugging until 2011 (John C. Reilly's in it, maybe he can have a real film career again after this).

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That's the end of that, everyone. I doubt you stuck it out, and why should you? I almost gave up writing halfway through this one, but I did have fun and that's what failing integrated sciences is all about. See you next week with much less lashing out at the film industry. Maybe.