Friday Morning Comes So Soon [January 22, 2010]

By Katy 

I have been completely blanking on anything to write this morning, so I opted to skip ahead to my theatrical reviews. As I continued blanking, Courtney came over and gave me a massage and now I feel amazing. I feel amazing and relaxed and still unbelievably blank head-wise. I know you look forward to Friday to find out how I'm doing, what I'm up to, what job I'm being fired from... but this week has been week II of a very ill Katy, and thus, uneventful. However, today I plan on dropping large quantities of LSD, smoking marijuana, experimenting with European absinthe (properly smuggled), consuming three pounds of wings and washing it all down with half a bottle of NyQuil while simultaneously watching repeated video podcasts of Stuff They Don't Want You To Know, so next week should prove more interesting.

Today's Theatrical Releases

Extraordinary Measures ("Rated PG for thematic material, language and a mild suggestive moment" - An awesomely direct quote from IMDB)

I was a bit excited when I saw Harrison Ford's name on this film. I've been re-watching the original Star Wars trilogy all week and it became apparent the only characters I actually really like are Han and R2-D2, so I was excited to see Ford back in the mix. Then, not a millisecond later, I saw that Brendon Fraser co-stars in this film. Ugh. Going on, Keri Russel plays Fraser's wife! There's something completely unpleasant about this mix of actors, and while I'm sure most of it involves the screen presence of Keri Russel and Brendon Fraser, it only worsened as I read the snorefest plot of this movie.

Synopsis: I can't imagine how they're going to fit all of this into a film, I'm hoping for several montages (continually playing "Don't Stop Believing" and other Journey montage hits) or some simple scripting to save everyone from the drone of exposition. John (Fraser) and his wife Aileen (Russel) are the proud parents of two children who come down with a deadly disease. The children, that is. He's just made it big in corporate America and other than some tugging need for a success story this has little to do with anything else since the main point is that his children are dying. He teams up with Dr. Robert Stonehill (Ford) an under-appreciated scientist who wants a chance to prove his worth by helping John create a cure for his diseased youngsters. It doesn't seem like much happens in the way of events. It's mostly a dramatic, emotional tale of these two men becoming friends until--OH NOES--something goes terribly wrong between them and it somehow has to do with dying kids. That's all I got.

Maybe I should start doing album reviews or Family Circus-esque comedy on Friday if this is all Hollywood is going to give me. Please vote on this in the comments.

Legion (Rated R for disproving the existence of Heaven)

I haven't heard of any of the actors/actresses in this movie which commonly points to A.) an extremely redundant horror movie involving mass government conspiracy schemes resulting in retardation and rape or B.) beloved comic book characters come to life only to disappoint thousands of lifetime fans. I think it's fair to rule out 'B.' It apears to be an original screenplay. We can only hope 'A' doesn't come into play for the sake of cinematic integrity everywhere. Haven't we suffered enough?

Synopsis: Legion begins with a unhappy chap named God (Michael Richards) who sends his legion of angels to wipe out mankind after the final straw: The Street Bible [excerpt]. A group of humans (oh, I forgot, Dennis Quaid is in this movie, get psyched!!) and, for whatever reason, the archangel Michael take on the entire celestial army to retain their First and Second Amendment rights. Massive death and sadness and stuff ensues.

I have to admit I'm a sucker for religious and celestial mythology (it's a "recovering Christian" aspect, I imagine) but I highly doubt I'll pay to see this in the theatre. I will however, let some sucker pay to take me to dinner and this movie, and go home early without putting out (or even a peck on the cheek) claiming I have to rethink the nature of my soul. Or, ya know, I'll just Netflix it.

Tooth Fairy (Rated PG for completely acceptable sporting game violence and questionable physical "comedy")

OH EM GEE. That 'oh em gee' was necessary because I was sure NOTHING could top last weeks release of The Spy Next Door, as far as child-focused entertainment goes, but that's because I thought Dwayne Johnson was finished making movies. I've never been more thrilled to be so wrong.

Synopsis: Dwayne plays a rough, uncontrollable hockey player, known best by his nickname "The Tooth Fairy," because he beats the life (and mostly teeth) out of his opponents. Since severely injuring other human beings is completely legal and acceptable to our society under the guise of sports, this only brings him glory and honor. But, uh oh, what happens when he tells a little girl the tooth fairy doesn't exist? He becomes the tooth fairy for a week! What?! It's true! And Julie Andrews is his boss! Can you imagine Dwayne "The [former] Rock" Johnson wearing a tutu and fairy wings? You won't have to, you can see it! You'll be in fits of giggles every time he twirls in that tulle.

Who would ever have imagined that a guy so well known for artistically pulverizing people in the ring, would end up here, making children's movies where he plays characters that pulverize people...in the rink? Hey, it was better than "the tooth hurts."

Today's Prediction:

Thousands upon millions of young children will flock to the movie theatre to see Tooth Fairy. Suddenly children everywhere are approaching large, burly men in hopes they'll sprout wings and start carelessly tripping over rollerskates and Tonka trucks while handing out smiles and life lessons. Amber alerts will rise and after viewing Legion, God thinks "Hey, I should have thought of that." Angered by our inability to care for our teeth-less children, God declares war on Earth, but fails. OYIT writes more articles and becomes even more awesome.