Debate: Will Glenn Die in the North Dakota Blizzard?

By Jake and Glenn 

When Americans woke up on on January 25th, 2010, they turned to the sky expecting to see god. Instead they saw what could only be described as a wintry apocalypse. Upon many parts of the country - most importantly North Dakota - gusts of 50 miles per hour wind has turned this winter wonderland into the nightmare foretold in Revelations. Snow flew through the air like an errant pass from disgraced Vikings quarterback Brett Favre. Babies were born of jackals. The lake of fire froze and some entrepreneurial young North Dakotans set up an ice fishing hut on it. Absolutely no travel was advised in open areas and the Interstate was closed between Grand Forks and Canada, leaving those who were finally ready to make good on evacuation promises after last Tuesday's election in Massachusetts stuck in a country they no longer recognize. Can Glenn survive this blizzard to end all blizzards - or will it finish the job Richard Jewell started at the 1996 Olympics and end his life?

Jake: Glenn, I have some bad news for you: you're going to die. This blizzard is not going to let up, and soon your frostbitten corpse will be buried in a virgin white, icy tomb. A North Dakota winter is a lot like a nuclear winter. Although the build-up is far less tense, the aftermath is the same-- everybody is dead and the area is unlivable for over 30 years. I would guess that this is the only time Glenn has wished he was living in Utah, besides that time he was in love with two women. I sincerely hope that I'm wrong. I do not want Glenn to die, but I have already come to terms with his inevitable passing. RIP Glenn.

Glenn: Whoa whoa WHOA! The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. I admit that if there was ever a time to die from a blizzard, this is it. I also admit that I rarely want to live in Utah. But this storm is not going to kill me. The wind gusts have been tracked in rural ND at 65 mph but here in the urban centers, it's a harsh but livable 50 mph. 50 miles an hour winds don't kill anyone, though. Think about it - you actually drive faster than that on a highway! And no one dies on those. I am wearing snow boots, gloves, a sweatshirt and a big old brown coat. I think I am well enough protected.

Jake: A big brown coat is hardly going to protect you from the country highway-like speeds of the piercing winds. You're not even wearing a winter hat! You might as well slip the noose around your neck, because you're in for one painful, head freezing death. When you cross the street on your way home (because your car is in the shop) your feet will most likely freeze to the pavement, leaving your vulnerable to speeding cars. If the coldest temperatures in recorded history don't get you, then surely a Prius will.

Glenn: Priuses are actually illegal in North Dakota, so I'm not concerned about that. And you've inadvertently lead me onto the best reason I will not die this blizzard: I live across the street from where I work. I only have to go 50 feet (or 500 kilometers, for our more worldly readers) from one door to another. Sure I might have to walk to somewhere to get food, but there's a Subway within one block from me and a great co-op/restaurant called Amazing Grains within two blocks. With this little outside exposure, I don't see how this blizzard can feasibly kill me. Nicole Brown Simpson said the same thing about her ex-husband Orenthal but this is different. I've learned the lessons of that case and will not be trying to move on with my life from this blizzard to another weather system that will treat me better.

Jake: Your cocky "I can't feasibly die in a blizzard" attitude is exactly what's going to lead you to your subzero grave. You'll be headed toward Muffin But the Truth or Point of No Crouton ready for a muffin or a croutonless salad without a care in the world. You think you're untouchable. That's when the blizzard is the most dangerous. You might be one or two blocks away, but that blizzard is going to get you. It could be around any corner. It could be that man holding the briefcase crossing the street. It could be your father. The point I'm trying to drive home is that blizzard will get you, even if it has to dress up like a person or travel back in time to impregnate your mother. Just wear a hat when you go out.

Glenn: Blizzards are not people! Blizzards are complicated, murderous weather patterns that will destroy everyone in their path - except me. I walked to the aforementioned food co-op and from the wind my face was burning worse than the time everyone at high school found out I was gay. Snow was flying into my mouth, nose and eye sockets. But I survived! This blizzard will not last forever, so the key is waiting it out. While the blizzard picks up random children from the street and deposits them into Canadian territory (a fate arguably worse than death), I will remain hunkered down in either my apartment, office or 50s-era bomb shelter. I have cyanide tablets ready in case the blizzard rips the doors off its hinges and snow tries to force itself into the building and into my eye sockets again. So I'll kill myself before the blizzard has a chance!