Mailbag Vol. 2 Issue 8

By Jake and Glenn 

It feels like it's been years since the last time we did a mailbag but I would never make that actual argument with a straight face. Like me from 2002-2005, OYIT went through a dry spell recently and the readers's letters slowed as well. Now that we've received enough emails for a mailbag, we respond. In this issue you'll see lonely men and women desperate for human touch, in whatever form it may come. Plus someone asks if we smoke weed for our ideas.

I've been sending emails to you guys for a few weeks now but no one has published them or answered them. Are you getting my emails? How do you guys deal with incoming emails? Do you have a filter? Do my emails automatically go to your fucking trash folder? Have you ever been killed by someone you met on the internet?

Thanks,
Martha

It's been a while since we've done a mail bag. We've been really busy loading the site to the brim with ads. If we can make some money then I can finally afford to move out of my mom's basement. I'm not complaining. I get to drink all the Sprite I want, but it's impossible to get a date. To answer the other part of your question, no I have never been killed by somebody I have met on the internet, but a fortune teller envisioned that I would die that way. Thanks for the letter.

hey fuckheads,
what's up with all these fuckin ads? i mean, give me a fuckin break would you. i get enough ads at my job. i write ads for a radio station. what the--?

Why do you work for a radio station - the one medium even more obsolete and useless than a newspaper? Answer: because you need money. It's the same reason we have advertisements now. I can't give you a break unless you can give Jake a place to move besides the aforementioned basement. If you would be interested in writing some audio ads for us, read by famous Native Americans, please write in again. Otherwise don't write in again and we'd prefer if you listened to OYIT on the radio instead. We have a syndicated show every Sunday morning starting after the New Year where we list the top 40 songs of the week.

I love your website! Whatever happened to Heather and Ingrid? They both seemed like really cool women and I'm into women. I'm a man by the way - you can tell because I capitalize "I." I have a strong sense of self worth and am very aggressive. I'd like to meet the female writers from this website. Please tell me how this can happen.

I'm not sure how you can go about meeting the women who write on this website, but if you did you'd probably be bored with long stories about shopping and how boys don't like them.

I have no idea what has become of Heather. I heard that she witnessed a murder and had to be entered into the witness protection program. Ingrid will be making her return to OYIT as a regular writer to write Good Morning articles on Wednesdays. Maddie is a woman, too, and she'll cyber with you if you email her at maddie@oneyearintetxas.com.

i heard on an internet site that bret hart might be coming back to wrestling to fight vince mcmahon. what are your thoughts on this and will you debate it?

Jesus Christ (no pun intended), what is it going to take to satisfy you wrestling fans? We JUST debated whether or not Linda McMahon would be a good US Senator and I'm pretty sure Jake and Gary once debated which version of the Ultimate Warrior was their favorite. Mine personally was #4 played by John Tenta, but no one asked me. You didn't even ask me. Instead you asked if Bret Hart was coming back to fight Vince McMahon. If someone murdered your brother wouldn't you want to fight them? I know I would and I don't even have a brother. Just the memory of Owen Hart.

where do you get ideas for articles? who would ever thought of wishing people a good morning on a website must have been smoking a ton of weed. do you get your ideas by smoking weed?

This is the question we "most get," and by that I mean two people have asked it. The other is now dead, so what does that tell you about the wisdom of this inquiry? The idea of wishing someone "good morning" is barely even an idea as much as it is a natural human reaction to waking up and seeing someone, even if on the internet. I once heard David Cross respond to a similar question about Mr. Show with this thought: have you ever come up with any good ideas while high? It just doesn't happen. The best thing we came up with for this website while stoned was a weekly column about Fish Puns. We cod come up with more shit like that, but if we do you might have second thoughts about OYIT's moray down the road of puns.

merry christmas!! i'm a christian and i celebrate fucking christmas. why would anyone not want to celebrate christmas? it fucking pisses me off when these jews and muslims and atheists ruin everything for true Americans like me and hopefully you. what can we do to get rid of these people and fix christmas?

Ever since Scrooge McDuck was visited by those three ghosts and was scared into hating Christmas, the anti-Christmas sentiment has spread like a MILF's legs for a pizza delivery man.

I like Christmas, although I'm not a Christian. I get gifts, get to see family, eat food and drink liquids. What's to hate? I think of Christmas not as a religious holiday to celebrate the life of the lord baby Christ, but as a consumer's holiday where we worship the real lord, the almighty dollar. Merry Chri$tma$.

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As always, send in your questions to mailbag@oneyearintexas.com.