Good Morning from OYIT, Dec. 30, 2009

By Ingrid 

On This Day in 1066...

Happy December 30, OYIT! If you have a conscience, you will probably be spending today mourning the Granada massacre of 1066, during which a Muslim mob stormed the royal palace in Granada, crucified Jewish vizier Joseph ibn Naghrela, massacred most of the Jewish population of the city, and invented water purification.

I will mark the anniversary of this heinous crime by drinking clean water and eating a series of three course meals, which the medieval Muslims also invented.


Good Morning, Old Age

I woke up on the morning of my 26th birthday and discovered a wrinkle on my forehead. I’ve never had wrinkles before, and this one only served to remind me that we are all just walking corpses, slowly decomposing from the moment we’re born until the moment our hearts give out or a massive semi-truck slams into our sensible little cars, whichever comes first. I stared at the wrinkle in the mirror for about twenty minutes, hoping it was just a trick of the light. It was not a trick of the light. I tried to make it disappear by pulling my hair back into a tight ponytail. I tried to cover it with a hat. I went to the store and purchased a jar of anti-aging moisturizing cream for $11.99, which is about three times as much as I’ve ever spent on a beauty product before. I applied the lotion in front of the mirror and noticed that I also had three new pimples on my forehead, which definitely didn’t seem fair.

I was so depressed about aging that I refused to see any of my friends, who started to worry and ended up kidnapping me and making me eat chocolate cake from HyVee and watch the Kardashians show on television. This just made me more depressed because none of the Kardashians have forehead wrinkles. We ordered a pizza and I ate more than half of it. I ate the rest of the chocolate cake.

Very well, Natural Process of Aging: you’ve won this round.

Blues

I only listen to blues, now that I'm old. Doc Watson looks exactly like John C. Reilly and, subsequently, like my BFF Lucas (don't tell him I said that).