Debate: Lemonade vs. Pink Lemonade

By Glenn and Jake

Whether it's being grouped with milk and fudge or simply enjoyed on a hot summer day, lemonade remains the number one lemon-based drink in the contiguous United States. I don't think there's anybody out there that is going to argue over that point, but were you aware that there are two different kinds of lemonade? No, you did not read that wrong. Traditional yellow and confounding pink are lemonade's two hats. This debate is an effort to finally inform the public of which lemonade is superior.


Glenn (Lemonade): I can already imagine which direction Jake is going to take this debate. His first point will probably be "Lemonade is yellow like pee" and then try to infer that sharing a color produces similar tastes as well. Anyone who's ever operated a lemonade stand or a Fortune 500 lemonade company will know that you couldn't sell as much lemonade as sold in the contiguous US if it tasted like urine. I've tasted urine. I've even produced urine on rare occasions. Lemonade, you are not urine. Second of all, lemonade in its purest form is yellow. A fucking lemon is yellow! It's like eating brown apple juice or black orange juice. If someone served me black O.J. I'd expect to be murdered immediately afterward. I would feel the same way about Pink Lemonade - the official drink of murderers.

Jake (Pink Lemonade): You have underestimated me. Lemonade is a delicious and refreshing beverage that can be enjoyed on practically any day of the year. I surely am not going to slag golden lemonade. I'm just going to say that the pink variation of lemonade is by far superior. It's like the difference between The Beatles and Animal Collective. Sure, they're both great bands and share many similarities, but the more experimental Animal Collective is more fun to listen to. In that forced and nonsensical analogy Animal Collective is pink lemonade. It has nothing to do with urine, as Glenn would try to lead you to believe. It's the simple twist on the old standard that pink lemonade delivers that makes it so exciting and dangerous.

Glenn: The Beatles were bigger than Jesus Christ, and so is lemonade. Think about it. If you had the choice between going to church or stopping by a lemonade stand to get some delicious yellow lemonade, which would you choose? I prefer lemonade because it tastes so great on a hot summer day. If it's winter, that might change things. Anyway, my point is that I agree with your analogy. Lemonade is the dominant force in lemon-based drinks and it richly deserves its success - from being a tasty liquid for your throat and because it stole its style from Chuck Berry. Another analogy one might make would include Leon Trotsky and Josef Stalin. Pink Lemonade is Leon Trotsky and if it keeps fucking with lemonade its going to wake up in Mexico with a fucking ice pick in its skull.

Jake: I would rather do almost anything than sit in church for a service, including getting a Brazilian wax. I have nothing against the traditional lemonade, but pink lemonade is like a neon sign. A regular sign might be pretty eye-catching, especially if it's got cleavage or a cowboy on it, but a neon sign will melt the eyes out of your skull (and I mean that in a positive way). It's more eye-catching, which makes it more appealing to your other senses via trickery. Some think of pink lemonade as an artifact left over from the neon craze of the early 90s, but they're wrong. Pink lemonade has been a staple in the American diet since the Native Americans invented it. It's practically racist to choose lemonade over pink lemonade, and I'm no racist.

Glenn: I applaud your effort to connect Pink Lemonade with America's most popular race - Native American - but I'm not buying it and neither are the explorers who came over to the United States from Europe. I guess, now that I think about it, both lemonades taste very similar. I just like yellow because it's the drink that saved my life when I was stranded in the desert a few years ago. I came upon a lemonade stand and the yellow lemonade they gave me hit the spot perfectly. I'll never forget that. Meanwhile, once when I was trying to get Frank Thomas's autograph at a Chicago White Sox game, someone threw Pink Lemonade at me and I missed my chance. I've been traumatized. I can't think about lemonades rationally. But from an irrational perspective, nothing beats lemonade.

Jake: I could sit here and lie and tell you about the time John Stockton bought me a pink lemonade after a game where he had 13 assists, but I'm not going to. If I had the choice between wearing a yellow shirt or a pink shirt, I'd choose yellow. Then why would I choose pink lemonade? Because it tastes better. If it didn't taste better, then why is it the only thing I drink? If yellow lemonade tasted better I'd drink that. I declare myself the winner.