Tuesday Debate: Frosty the Snowman

By Glenn and Jake

With the icy hand of winter reaching out to throw us to the ground, shiv us with an icicle and soak the snow with a fountain of our rich, hemoglobinous blood, we felt a debate about a subject related to winter was necessary. Most people remember the poem about a sculpture of a man made out of not plaster, but snow. A group of children get a hold of a cursed stovepipe hat. When placed upon the head of this man made of snow, or "snowman," it is brought into an animate state. Of course the children who put the enchanted hat on the snowman, named Frosty, they did not realize the agonizing death that faced their new chum. The question we hope to answer in this week's debate is whether or not the children had the right to play (Christian) God and create a man in their own image and bring them to life via a stovepipe hat. With the religious implications hanging in the balance this could be the most controversial debate yet.


Glenn (Pro): Why not? Children were created in god's image and therefore have just as much right to become gods themselves as god did. If that logic seems opaque, you clearly have not been reading enough Bibles. The Frosty the Snowman tale has been part of Western culture since snow was first created over 4,000 years ago. There isn't a child alive who doesn't dream of building a snowman only to see it come to life. For the countless children without fathers, this dream is not just to have a winter playmate but also a domineering male figure in one's life - to instill a sense of discipline, to be a positive male role model and, yes, to make love to a lonely mother. If it's wrong for children to bring a snowman to life then it was wrong for Tom Hank's son to fix him up with Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle. But we know it wasn't because the movie was a hit, and so was Frosty the Snowman 3D when released by Pixar last winter.

Jake (Con): Anything that is made by merely putting a hat on a pile of slush is obviously something that was never worth creating. If that wasn't enough, children are expected to take care of this atrocity. Children are so irresponsible that I wouldn't trust one to pour me a glass of lemonade, which is why I always squeeze my own. One might make the argument that children are responsible enough to make make soccer balls and sew sneakers. That's a fair point, but those children are generally not in areas with heavy snowfall. There's just something about cold weather that makes children unable to hold down a 9-5 job for extremely low wages. There's just no discipline. If children were responsible enough to play God, then I'd be the first one to give them permission. Plus, these very young youths do not realize what happens to a snowman when it gets warm. Their friend is going to face a slow, agonizing death as it melts. If your father would have melted to death in front of you for five days it would probably fuck you up a little.

Glenn (Pro): You raise the most difficult point: what does the figurative Frosty do when summer approaches? Due to the behavior of humans and the policies supported by conservatives, temperatures will only continue to increase across the world. I don't think a snowman can survive 140 degree weather, but who among us can? I don't think a snowman is any more likely to die in the heat than a small child, or an elderly "person." Shall we refrain from bringing them to live too? Or once living, put to death before an exceptional heatwave? Congressional Democrats would say yes, but I'm not so sure. Just because something will eventually die is no reason to keep it from being born (or in this case conjured). We all die. That is the nature of life for you, me and a snowman. What matters is what happens in between. If Six Feet Under taught us anything, it was that.

Jake (Con): The only thing Six Feet Under taught me was that I am not a fan of soap operas and infidelity. If the cartoon version Frosty the Snowman taught me anything it was that we were all going to inevitably die in a horrific and slow manner, enchanted hat or not. The voodoo aspect of Frosty is one that is generally not touched upon. Many Christians hate magic of any kind, but especially hate the black variety that is common to many movies (most notably Weekend at Bernie's II). The back-story of the magic hat is fairly obvious. A witch doctor visiting the Mid-Western United States was wearing his stovepipe hat. A strong gust of wind raged through the streets propelling his hat into the yard where Frosty was constructed. This voodoo hat was cursed by the witch doctor, thus bringing Frosty to life to sing and dance. Many Christian parents have banned their children from reading Harry Potter books and from watching Gummi Bears due to the dark magic both presented. Yet, here is a beloved children's poem dripping with dark magic, and barely any Christian parents are up in arms. What a sad day and age we live in.

Glenn (Pro): I understand why, as a home schooled child, your biggest concern with the Frosty the Snowman is that it presents unChristian themes. Even as an atheist and someone who attended public school, I'm leery of teaching children the power of dark magic since it's mostly used for evil and rarely for good. At the same time, our modern society has changed in many ways even since the Frosty the Snowman tale was written over 4,000 years ago. Artificial intelligence dominates every aspect of our lives. People can use "Surrogates" to live lives for them while they control them with their mind. Hamsters are intelligent enough to fight crime. If I had gone to private school instead of public, I'd be able to tell the difference between real lives and the plots of this year's biggest films. Since I can't I will use them as points in favor of making the dream of a living snowman come true. It's already started snowing in North Dakota and I look forward to making - nay, creating - several new friends to play Grand Theft Auto IV with. I don't think there's anything immoral about wanting to share in the enjoyment that only a Playstation 3 can give.

Jake (Con): All the PlayStation 3 games in the world cannot make in favor of creating minions to do our bidding, or to just sing fanciful Christmas songs. What makes Frosty so dangerous is his deceitfulness. You put a magic hat on a pile of snow and all of a sudden he's singing songs that celebrate our Lords birthday. Really, he's singing about his lord, Santa Claus. Frosty is teaching these innocent, white Christian children to worship a false idol. This idol is a glamorous fat man dressed in red (the most evil colour) who bribes kids with gifts. This is why we need to stop teaching our children the teachings of Frosty and start teaching them the word of our Lord.