Recession Busters

By Jim

People often stop me on the street and ask me questions. Most people ask for change (I usually lie or, if I recognize them, preempt their questions and ask them for change), for sex (yes if she, he, or he-she has a bangin’ body), or if I’m a famous person, but once in a blue moon (blue moon=1.16699016 × 10-8 hertz, or approximately every two-and-a-half years) someone asks a real stumper like, “how can I beat this goddamn mother fucking recession?”


Hahaaaa. Well, as you can imagine, reader, I had no answer the first few times someone popped the said question—I felt like a royal jack-ass (Prince Willem-Alexander of Holland)—and I abruptly regressed back to a state of adolescent inadequacy, and underwent a “dark night of the soul.” However! My search ended earlier today, when I concluded my year-and-a-half long bender, shaved off my mourning beard, and came up with these easy-to-do recession busters:


1. Rob Drunk College Students for Your Drinking Money

Self-explanatory, and very convenient, given you can’t throw a rock without hitting one. Find a knife, find a lone drunk college student stumbling to God-knows-where, and knock him or her down to the ground. Show your blade. If they give you any guff, stick him or her in the arm or the leg (don’t hit any major arteries, though) to show you’re serious. Strike at random, and never strike the same location twice. Use your brain.

2. Tip Strippers with Lower-Valued Foreign Currency

This one is great. Some foreign currency looks remarkably like the U.S. dollar, and the strippers probably won’t notice until the show is over. What’s the worst that could happen? You’ve already received their services. Worst case scenario, they make you work to pay off your debt.

3. Go to Prison

Think about it! You lose your job. You can’t support your family, so your wife leaves you and takes the kids (you didn’t like them anyway). Your dog dies while driving over one of America’s many collapsing bridges (you liked him, but what was he doing driving a car?), or any of the other innumerable recession-doomsday scenarios.

How can anyone recover in a recession lustfully staring at the ass of some new and more devastating Great Depression? Answer: Wait it out in prison!

Sound crazy? At least consider the benefits.

• You will have three meals a day, so your neighbors’ cats won’t mysteriously go missing anymore. Prison food may not delight your taste buds as much as certain agile four-legged creatures (unless Martha Stewart winds up in your penitentiary [and she will!]!), but they’re dependable and you don’t have to chase them down and smash their skulls in.

• Don’t forget, once you’re in prison, you’ll have lots of time to learn and do all the things you couldn’t when you were trapped in your desperately lonely and horrid former life. You can learn an instrument (harmonica is popular), learn to cook (not just meth), play sports (like NBA Street, except in a prison yard and Southern Mexicans always win), experience other cultures (mostly Southern Mexican), and earn several degrees from accredited universities—opportunity is around every corner (albeit, so are the Southern Mexicans).

• FREE HEALTHCARE! FREE FUCKING HEALTHCARE.

• And, most importantly, FREE GYM MEMBERSHIP. You will have all the time in the world to trim those love handles (if starvation hasn’t already) and put on your very own gun expo—not to mention you’ll build such a great ten-pack vendors will begin selling ten-packs.

Some of you are probably wondering, “what about prison rape?” Well, the best part is the bottom of this recession is no where in sight, so give it two or three years, and conditions outside of prison will be pretty much the same as conditions inside—minus all the aforementioned benefits.

There are a plethora of arrestable offenses, all depending on how long you wish to stay on the inside. Here are some examples:

• arson - 5 years to life (depending on if anyone is injured or killed)
• drug trafficking - 5 years to life (depending on how dangerous the drug is and the quantity)
• prostitution – 1-18 months
• armed robbery – 1- 10 years (depending on injuries to others and how dangerous the preferred weapon is)
• kidnapping – 1-15 years (depending on how seemingly planned out and violent you want to be)

Worried about fines? Don’t be. You can extend your sentence instead of paying them so commit your crime with this in mind—and everyone will owe someone a shit load of money by the end of this economic down-turn. Worried about a record? Again, most of us will have a record or will have died by the time this thing ends.

4. Leave Your Family

Leave them in the woods, leave them in a garbage can—doesn’t matter. When resources are low the first instinct of any non-human animal is to abandon their cubs. Take a cue from Mother Nature, and live to survive and carry on your genes another day.

5. Get that Gov’ment Cheese

Unemployment. Welfare. Food Stamps. Student Aid. Get it all. Do whatever it takes to maximize the amount and duration of government financial aid programs. No one can stop you. Not even Ronald Reagan. He’s dead.

6. Convince Someone to Take Out a Life Insurance Policy with You as the Sole Benefactor, and then Kill that Person

I read about some ladies volunteering for a church-run shelter (Luthern, I think?) doing this to some homeless guy. Genius. But they got caught. Don’t get caught.


Well, that concludes my list. If I think of anymore, I’ll surely let you all know. Don’t shy away from any tips you’ve got for me, either.













*Disclaimer: Don’t actually do any of these things. They’re jokes (even if they’re not good ones) written by a (semi)professional on a closed course. If you do them anyway, you didn’t hear them from me.