Hi Katy - Issue XXIV

By Katy



It certainly has been a while, hasn't it? Sorry about the no show post last week. I know it isn't entirely YOUR fault, but it was the only real way to take out my anger on the Department of Education. I'd elaborate, but you must just trust that this is how the real world works. Let's put all our financial burdens behind us and get back to what really matters: the problems of everyday people.

Hi Katy,
I watch a lot of old TV shows. I generally like sitcoms, but occasionally will watch sci-fi or drama. Do you have any thoughts on the Mod Squad?
-Molly Mod

Hi Molly,
Yeah, I've definitely never seen the Mod Squad. While I love my cop/detective drama shows (Law & Order, Cold Case, CSI, Day Break,) it's a rule of thumb to stay away from anything produced by Aaron Spelling. He's basically a horrible person. Of course, that doesn't account for his master of brilliance known as Satan's School for Girls which provides us an all-star cast of Shannon Doherty, Julie Benz, and Victoria Sanchez.

....

Now that I've taken about three minutes to do some research I would like to retract my earlier statement wherein I implied that Aaron Spelling was scummier than the old gum on the bottom of my moccasin. It is mildly unfair of me to be closed to an entire series based on the producer, and for that I apologize. After skimming through the small chapter book of knowledge offered up on Wikipedia I find myself somewhat interested in viewing what could very possibly be an all right show. I'm no fan of blondes, but this Peggy Lipton character has a heroin-chic look that I could really get into.

Please e-mail me all seasons of this classic and I'll give it a fair and well-deserved shot.

Hi Katy,
My best friend recently got pregnant and doesn't know who the father is. She is very loose, if you know what I mean. She works at a bar and goes home with a different guy almost every night. How do I try to talk her into getting an abortion? It would probably be kinder to the child than having this slut raise it.
-Arlene Abortion

Hi Arlene,
There is little else I'd rather do, than to tell people what to do with their own bodies. Just like you, I've been pro-abortion almost my entire life. HOWEVER, I've come to actually look at these things with a little more perspective as of late.

For example--I can't agree that just because your friend has troughed more men than La Roma's has cockroaches, that it's a plausible sure-fire reason for an abortion. You can't REALLY claim that she'll be a bad mother just because Daddy changes every night. People always say that stability is good for a child, BUT LOOK AROUND YOU. My generation and those following have made sure that stability is but a pipe dream. We're always going, always changing, always upgrading to the next best thing. Whether that be our personal looks, televisions, music, MMOs, significant others, cell phones, chat applications, Facebook friends, furniture, or cars--we will NOT settle for one standard. Why can't that be applied to parenting?

Should you still feel strongly about ridding your friend of her child-to-be (which I doubt after that phenomenal argument) I would highly suggest making her watch 16 and Pregnant. Not only will that show make you think thrice about making a baby, it'll also stop all desires of being a teenager, being in a relationship, or paying for MTV. Give it a shot--if all else fails, you can sometimes still find wire hangers at garage sales.

Hi Katy,
I really wonder how to deal with loneliness. Every year it seems like I have less and less people I'm close to in my life. I'm not super close with my family, but I feel like I should try to rely on them now because they'll ALWAYS be my family. Do you recommend this? Or should I try to get more friends?
Lonely Larry

Hi Larry,
Straight up honestly Lar--I'm gettin' a little sick of everyone being so lonely. Aren't there forums out there for lonely people to meet other lonely people and contemplate their lonesome existence together? Even though I'd prefer to stick my face into a boiling vat of butter rather than answer another pathetic loneliness question, I'll at least address the family aspect.

Families have so many lairs. For example, I would argue that I am close to my family in that I talk to my parents at least once a week or two and feel comfortable asking their advice in financial matters. However, none of us really know each other at all. My family very much enjoys not discussing major problems or differences in the family. It's probably not the storybook definition of a tight family, but it works for us.

I would like you to apply this larger, more open-minded approach to your own family. You may realize you're already closer to them than you imagined. I do in fact recommend staying in close touch with your family because they WILL always be there (until one or many of them die in which case you and your siblings will forever be torn in a battle of who gets what). Don't go too far out of your way to reach out or you may screw up an already good family dynamic, but also be careful not to shut them out of your lives. (If you have a horrible family, please ignore all previous advice.)

Even if you decide to keep your family in your life--get yourself some friends. Word on the net is it gets harder and harder to make friends as you get older, but with an increase in desolate, lamentable souls, it's only moments before the world becomes one big weeping orgy. What a beautiful picture.

If you have no luck finding friends, I will hold you under consideration. Please e-mail me for a potential friendship application which you can fill out and send back to me. (Please also include the price of a stamp in return envelope as well as any amount you would like to donate to the Get Katy Out of Debt Pre-Memorial. Answer will be received in 7-10 business days. Should you receive a "nay" please feel free to re-apply after a 3 month waiting period, or, send another $10 to the Get Katy Out of Debt Pre-Memorial for immediate reconsideration.)

Hi Katy,
I was recently diagnosed with advanced leukemia and have less than a year left to life. What would you do in your last year? Any ideas of what I should do? Beyond the obvious. I hate to phrase this as a "Bucket List" because I thought that movie was absolute shit, but it's kind of that idea. the difference is I'm not in my 60s. I'm in my late 20s. Please help.
Doomed Dan

Hi Dan,
Wow, Dan, what a question. As you may know, I am not dying from a painful and organ-liquidating disease, therefore I've never given much consideration to what I would. Let me do some brainstorming in a nice list form and see where that takes us:

1.) Eat at Sushi House once a week 'til death.
2.) Have sex, and lots of it. (I apologize if you're too weak to have sex--I recommend watching youporn videos so you can vicariously experience a fuller sex life.)
3.) Visit a nursing home once a week for support.
4.) Kick Shirley Phelps-Roper in the face. (Note: this could cause a backlash against all those dying from leukemia, ie. "godhatesleukemia.com" but you're dying soon so it's totally worth it, let those sods deal with the hospital protests.)
5.) Ride an elephant.
6.) Spend an entire week in Downtown Disney sitting outside the House of Blues.
7.) Make my request to the Make-a-Wish Foundation to gather and set fire to all ICP albums, fans, and members. That's a wish the whole world can enjoy.
8.) Watch the entire Star Wars saga four to three; widescreen of course.
9.) Eat chicken alfredo without a care for the six pounds it's adding to my thighs.
10.) Track down certain Deafies that make my everyday job worse than dying from leukemia--and kick them in the face.
11.) Ride a horse full gallop across an empty field.
12.) Attend a middle school dance.
13.) Get a smartphone.
14.) Get on my knees and beg Glenn to marry me, before I go. It'll totally be a "A Walk to Remember" moment (except he won't love me.)
15.) Tell my mom I stopped believing in God years ago and I also support gay rights. AND the big difference between her and me is that I actually give a shit about people and I don't care if I have to pay extra to help others out because I have a little something called "empathy" and it makes life just a little better than spending it hating anyone outside of my bloodline and I'm VERY AWARE that I've gained weight and yes I'm working on losing it (although if I'm dying of leukemia this will probably no longer be a problem so I guess I'll just tell her I love her and I hope to come back someday as a daisy). Also, I was the one that actually set fire to the house that one time and I'm sorry I've convinced you it was John this whole time.

Well--I'd say that's a good start. It's a pretty amazing list if I do say so myself. Now that I've laid it out there for everyone to see I must say I'm PRETTY glad I've got another thirty or forty years on me... I'm just not ready to tell my mom I'm an atheist. GOOD LUCK!

Hi Katy,
I have never milked a cow before. I know that it's pretty surprising, having grown up on a cow farm and all. Whenever my father asked me to milk a cow I would just feign illness and he'd leave me alone. Eventually he stopped asking me. Sadly, the only job I can currently get is milking cows. I'd move to a place with a better job market, but I don't have enough money to get settled in a new hometown. Do you have any cow milking tips or ways I can make money using non-conventional means?
-Connie Cow-milker

Hi Connie,
Hmmm. Well, milking a cow is pretty easy, but it's really more of a "watch and learn" kinda thing rather than "read these instructions." Actually, hold please....

Of course. When you have no answers, look to YouTube. Here's a great video to help you not only learn how to fondle those naughty goodies, but also how to properly care for your cow, feed them, and make sure they're never fully happy. Welcome to the new age of cow farming:

Well certainly that was unpleasant AND uninteresting. Double-score. You want some unconventional ways to make money? I bet you can find yourself a nice, dingy little bar around those parts with some sad guys in desperate need for some fun. Find 'em and start challenging them to pool matches... you should be good at pool first, but once you master that you can take them for all their worth.

Hi Katy,
I'm trying to give up smoking, but it's not going too well. What method do you recommend?
-Smokin' Sally

I recommend not quitting. BUT, don't think I'm going to just leave you stranded, oh no. In lieu of more "preferred" anti-smoking advice, let us first discuss the Smokeless Delite, the magical smokeless cigarette.

I've had the opportunity to test this product out first hand and let tell you, I've very much considered purchasing it. Depending on which package you want, you start with 40-80 dollars spent on the started kit. This provides the actual cigarette, a charger, and a set amount of nicotine laced cartridges to riddle your bones with smokeless joy. After that, replacement cartridges run about $13 a pack and last for like, freaking ever! The bet part is that the cigarettes (save sucking electricity for charging purposes) is completely eco-friendly and emits no harmful smoke or chemicals into your body OR the air around you. Yeah, you can go places with these babies. It'll save you money, save your health, and let you continue drugging yourself day by day. Best of all--get rid of that nasty cigarette smell that even smokers loathe.

Please enjoy: Smokeless Delite

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That's it for Hi Katy folks. Keep sending me your questions or keep skipping weeks without an article. The choice is yours and yours alone.