Hi Katy - Issue XXII

By Katy

Hi Katy,
This is Henrietta again. I wanted to thank you so much for your hotel advice last week. I've continued to stay in a hotel and have really learned a lot of things from what you said. I have some more questions. What are the grossest things you've encountered in a hotel room? Unless you're a Hispanic immigrant, I'm assuming you don't do the actual room cleaning, but certainly people talk about stories like that. Should I try to rent rooms weekly? I saw on my door that the "weekly" rent was like $100 at this R*m*d* Inn, but the nightly rate was like $65. At that rate it'd make more sense to rent for a week even if I only stayed three days! I guess I just want more hotel tips so give them to me.
-Hotel Henrietta

Hi Henrietta,
You are correct in your assumption that I am not a Hispanic immigrant, however, several of them were employed as part of our housekeeping staff; that and meth addicts. We used to have a drug screening process but when that went out with new management, so did class. Hey-oh!

You're also correct that I, myself, haven't come across too many nasty hotel happenings, though I have cleaned a room or two during some horrific Midwestern ice storms. Most of my stories are of the oddities of people, but I was passed some horrifying room tales.

I worked with a charming gay fellow--I merely point out his sexuality to show his understanding of the subject matter--who reported to me that a homosexual couple called the front desk in the middle of the night to complain of blood on their sheets and insisted he go up and change them. Yeah, it was totally sex blood. He told me through giggles and gagging.

I believe one of the housekeeping staff was cleaning a room when they unknowingly stabbed themselves with a heroin needle hidden in the couch cushions. They escaped AIDS-less, but it was terrifying (and unsanitary) nevertheless. I also encountered an entire evening with a flasher. I had the good fortune to gaze upon this gentleman's manhood at least thirteen times and while not disgusting, it was indeed disturbing and frankly unromantic. I wish I had more horror stories to give you, but I worked in the lowest of the upperclass hotels. I have some friends that worked at Exel Inn and Motel 6 that have much worse experiences, but I mostly forgot them all.

My most despised situations, based on their grossness, arose when a guest insisted I plunge their toilet; as though it was the fault of our plumbing that their fiber intake was efficient. Gross. Sometimes I had to mop up poopy water with towels. Not cool.

Yes, you should always inquire rather or not the hotel offers a weekly rate--it'll always be cheaper. That's it's point.

More tips? Lock up your valuables. Perhaps it's an unfair stereotype that housekeepers tend to rob guest's rooms--but it's also true. Housekeepers are poor; poverty breeds criminal activity; all housekeepers are criminals. That's just a fact of life. With that said, tip your housekeeper. Unless you travel and stay in hotels often, it's a little known fact that housekeeper tipping is cutomary--especially if you're a slob. It can be as simple as $1/day. It's always good to have criminal housekeepers on your side, it may dissuade their stealing tendencies.

One last tip, and I believe this is a good one. If your hotel offers PPV, be aware that the front desk can see what you're watching and how long you watch it. So, when you rent Cum Catchers 8 or Mr Holland's Orgy don't get all shy about it when you ask them to put it on a separate bill (so HR doesn't see). Be proud of your masturbatory freedoms. It's BA, and it's cool to be BA.

Hi Katy,
I recently started working a new overnight shift at work, and during the day I have trouble sleeping because I'm used to being awake. I know you probably have NO experience working overnights but I was wondering if you have any advice on how to get to and stay asleep?
-Restless Rita

Hi Rita,
I have some really strong feelings towards overnight workers. A lot of them have done me wrong in the paste and quite frankly, I find their ill-kept hours troublesome.

Sleeping, however, tends to be universal and thus, I know something about that. I think I saw an episode of Food Detectives several months ago that addressed this issue using different beverage myths. If I recall, warm milk and an alcoholic beverage (respectively) were the only beverages effective in quick sleep. Of course, the show really sets up their experiments poorly using virtually no control group as all food techs differ in sex, age, race, and hair color. However, you can be your own control group and give both these drinks a shot. Personally, I'd go with alcohol, but thta's just because I hate milk.

While we're on the subject of substance abuse--let's address sleeping pills; I have tried at least ten different OTC sleeping medications and not a one has seen me through to a dreamland of serenity. I say skip them and get yourself a heavily dosed prescription. Or, skip the expensive drugs and get ahold of some marijuana. Marijuana is quite possibly the best cure-all of the twenty-first century, and it just keeps improving. Seriously--three hits and you're out like a baby. Just don't start watching Where the Red Fern Grows; once the hilarity sets in you'll be up for the whole seventeen hours of that film.

My favorite thing to do when I'm lacking "z's" is to listen to a book on tape. I suppose it invokes a certain nostalgia (only rivaled at Nostalgiaville) of my parents playing me books on tape while they disappeared for weeks at a time to go to their fancy parties and return with a load of spare siblings. Though now I cherish my books on CDs or MP3s, the reminder of substitute parenting can lull me to sleep in a matter of minutes. And who doesn't love a good voicing of The Lorax?

Hi Katy,
I'm a conservative Midwestern housewife. I was so furious when Bill Clinton had his affair in the 90's and think that Mark Sanford of South Carolina is a jerk now for doing the same thing! Divorce is legal so why don't people just get divorced if they wan to be with someone else? Am I just a judgmental Jane? Or am I right to point out the misgivings of these political men?
-Moralizing Maude

Hi Maude,
As a self-proclaimed conservative MIDWESTERN housewife, I'm taken aback to learn your grievance lies not with adultery so much, but rather the lack of contractual separation. Someone's been divorced five times, huh?

There could be several reasons Mr. Sanford chose to stay married to his wife. Maybe3 she's an excellent cook or particularly outstanding when it comes to stain removal? Perhaps she's kind-hearted or balance the check book in the family? Who are we to say these two people no longer love each other and work well together? If you recall there really was no reason for Bill and Hillary to get a divorce--they're still together.

I happen to be a firm believer in polygamy; not necessarily that all should engage in it, but that human nature is being defied with the archaic concept that one man and one woman are made for each other and must always share themselves with only one another. Attraction is relative and I feel it's legitimate to deal with these things as they come.

Ir wasn't necessary for Governor Sanford to divorce his wife just to enjoy a fling with an Argentinian goddess. You don't wed Argentinian women--they exist solely to get done. Perhaps Mark just needed to fulfill his animal urges so he could return to his wife and more loving and devoted husband. Is that so wrong?

Well yes, it is. But not so much the affair, as it is wrong to abuse your political position and take off without informing anyone in your office in order to gallivant about South America with your mistress. Use tax payer money to fly her to the Motel 6 down the street like any self-respecting Republican.

In short, the business of Mr. and Mrs. Sanford is just that--their business. We need not focus on his private life when it doesn't affect us. Whether or not he broke laws and political oaths is the issue at hand. You're allowed to be as judgmental as you'd like towards his character and political standing.

Hi Kathy,
So, I know this girl whose cunt reeks of burning mayonnaise, and I'm wondering if you think this would be safe to plummet my entire face and/or fist onto/into. I mean, I like mayo,a nd I love pussy, but is there a line to be drawn?
-Fingering Food

Hi Food,
Kathy's out of the office so I will be taking this one.

This is by far the most appalling question I've ever received. For several minutes I considered putting in my resignation to OYIT as I cannot be asked to lower my standards to the extent they have been in the last couple posts.

Then I thought--hey, Katy. Who are you to decide what is or is not a valid question? Just because the question is entirely crude and barf-worthy doesn't necessarily mean someone out there isn't stuck in mayonnaise hell. Thus, jejune though it may be, I'll offer what advice I can.

Yeah, that's a big problem. Mayonnaise is mostly made up of oils and fats so I fear to imagine the situation you're dealing with down there. I'd honestly just avoid it altogether. There are a great many vaginas out there that will not subject you to condiment-related odors.

Go plunge your fist into one of those, for the sake of the greater good.

Hi Katy,
What is your favorite type of breakfast food? For a long time in my life I swore on pancakes. If someone tried to serve me waffles I would just scream and scream. This was also around the time I was diagnosed as a schizophrenic. I went to a Waffle House yesterday and felt the screams building. Can you please tell me your favorite type of breakfast food to stave off my encroaching hysteria?
-Schizophrenic Sam

Hi Sam,
I ate waffles when I was younger but quickly found I didn't like them. You know what the problem is? They get way too soggy entirely too quickly. Why would I want to munch on a bunch of soggy bread? Pancakes can outlast them by about five minutes, but those too proved not to be my taste.

I had stopped eating breakfast in high school altogether when I came to the realization that I don't care for traditional breakfast foods. While I could go for a tasty pile of spaghetti or a good morning bowl o' soup, there just weren't enough ways to cook an egg to float my boat.

In the last couple of years, however, I've found myself going out to many a breakfast with co-workers, friends, lovers, and one-night stands. I've made every attempt to familiarize myself once again with the poor assortment of breakfast choices laid before me. For quite a while I found comfort in the eggs benedict. It was delicious, and as a side note, was created by some guy trying to curb a hangover. It suited me well for a while until I finally convinced myself that hollandiase sauce was and is one of the unhealthiest sauces to consume on a morning bases. I have since moved on to a good basic omelet; usually mushroom and spinach or just cheese.

I still don't care much for breakfast, but I'll eat some occasional hashbrowns or fruit if I'm made to go. I think breakfast needs a completely new makeover to create some excitement. Maybe you can spend your time arranging a new menu of breakfast foods and that will keep your mind off of screaming? I surely hope so.

Hi Katey,
Over the past two years I have watched the bastardization of my childhood icons in to terrible movie after terrible movie. Now even the movies are being remade with Short Circuit and Robocop in the words. HOw is one suppose to cope with this pillaging of childhood icons?
-131 15 M4OTravis Klopfenstein, 40, Cedar Rapids, IA 27:15 8:46

Hi 131,
We certainly have a lot of jokesters writing in all of a sudden don't we? Is this f with Katy day? Cuz I don't plan on taking this much longer.

TWSS.

I don't know what to tell you, random writer. I get several letters about this exact same thing and now that I can finally put people into "my childhood icons" category I feel your pain. I mean, I don't really feel your pain about those two movies, I've never seen them. Well, I think I've seen parts of Short Circuit. That had Ally Sheedy in it, right? I really like Ally Sheedy; she's simplistically beautiful and that's hard to come by anymore. Whomever they pick to replace her will never stand up to her charm and good spirit.

Uhhh. Remakes are just a part of life, I suppose. Our parents and grandparents are still having to deal with remakes of classics. Did you know there was a remake of Harvey in '98? It wasn't a bad film, but never in tens of hundreds of years can it compare to a Jimmy Stewart original.

I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. While I'm curious to see The Neverending Story remake, a part of me feels I should ignore these cheap shots at nostalgia. I'm exactly the kind of person they want to go see their crappy updates. Sure the graphics and sound may far beat out that of the 80's, but it just can't ever be the same.

We need to form a picket of people to head to Hollywood (or Rhode Island) and tell filmakers what we want. We don't want to see our favorite books and childhood films treated like a cheap hooker on a fast date; we want you to remake the bad movies that had potential to be good. Like Bladerunner. If someone could remake that into a watchable movie (and preferably follow the book just a TAD more) I'd pay to see that.

Also, IT. I know IT is classic as Stephen King movies go but I always felt a remake (one made for the big screen and not early ABC slots)could do the film well. There's a great deal of the book that was left out of the movie, simply because it was entirely too long or ridiculously too graphic to put in a made-for-tv special. Jonathon Brandis will always be in my heart, but even he felt the effects of a poorly developed plotline.

I could go on about movie remakes for days, but I've already gotten preachy in today's post. I hope you can find some solace in the collective outcry from adults everywhere and just ignore these crappy movies until the film industry starts meeting our demands.


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