Sh*tting On ... Online Dating!

By Ingrid

Back when I was 22 and turning down three, four marriage proposals per week, I never could’ve imagined that I would one day join the ranks of sad losers who rely on the Internet to find a date. But guess what? That’s just what happened! I graduated college, moved to a new town, and – lo and behold! – found it impossible to meet people. After a couple months of no marriage proposals (not even dinner-and-a-movie proposals), I decided to sign up for an Online Dating Service.

Full disclosure: I have had extraordinarily bad luck in this venture, so perhaps it is unfair for me to be “Sh*tting on…Online Dating!” Much like literal shit, however, it’s not always possible to keep the figurative shit from exploding forth into the world. I recently decided to pull my profile and focus on meeting people the old fashioned way (barn swings, church socials) because, although I was receiving plenty of bites, most of those bites were creepy or obese. Of the three men I did end up going on dates with, one was still undergoing a messy divorce, two were noncommittal regarding their views on reproductive rights (I DEMAND TOTAL COMMITTALITY REGARDING REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS), and all three turned out to be emotionally stunted.

Oh, well. Ignore my obvious bitterness and read on!
***

To illustrate the complex and frequently uncomfortable world of online dating, I’ve included some excerpts from messages I actually received, as well as some advice to those of you who insist on signing up for a dating site despite my heartfelt warnings.

Message #1

Here is a series of incomprehensible instant messages that showed up in my inbox. I have yet to decipher what, exactly, they mean.

flyfisher: agnostic-talk? Eating some garlic we could start, but which type of garlic?
flyfisher: older then 30, sorry and good luck ciao
flyfisher: morning West Coast woman
flyfisher: not online, awe it would be interesting hearing from you
flyfisher: but you seem indisposed or away
flyfisher: send a message when you're free and can talk
flyfisher: Rowdy

Note to Prospective Online Daters: If the object of your affection doesn’t reply after the second or third IM, they are either not there or IGNORING YOU ON PURPOSE. Maybe because you’re 34 and won’t leave them alone!

Message #2

Theking7782: I admit I'm a geek, and that's a good thing. I notice that you take pride in intelligence also (you didn't come right out and say, but it's there between the lines). That's why I decided to drop you a line.

This guy lives in his mother’s basement and wears Dragonball-Z shirts and thinks that I do, too. He didn’t come right out and say it, but it was there between the lines. That’s why I decided to not reply.

Note to Prospective Online Daters: Don’t call yourself a geek (or asshole, or anti-social, or proud parent) in your opening message, even if you are one.

Message #3

Trig101: I'll be honest, I'm kinda disappointed you haven't replied. I'm not going to harass you or anything. You're profile makes you sound very cool since you like riding your bike, the vegetarian thing, and that you're smart enough to make it to grad school.

Well, thank you for calling me smart, Mr. Trig (although “making” it to grad school doesn’t take a lot of smarts these days – just the economic means to delay entering the workforce for another couple of years), but NOT thank you for getting hostile when I didn’t immediately reply to your message.

Note to Prospective Online Daters: if you start nagging before you’ve even met me IRL, what is it going to be like when we’ve been married for 30 years?

Message #4

Steveiscool81: hi! i havent been on here in a long long while and saw your pics and thought you were very attractive little "veggie girl". lol. i am a meat-eater myself...i belive eating red meat stimulates the growth mechanisms in the brain to make your brain well... grow. hahaha! Im just kidding, im a real asshole lol. I’m really great guy to be around, i make mostly everyone happy with just my presence. im a high school dropout but you wouldnt know unless i told you. anyway, i think ive said enough lol.

Because the thing that every “veggie girl” wants to hear from a prospective suitor is that 1) he is not only a meat eater but a vehement meat eater, 2) he’s a real asshole [“lol!”], and 3) he’s a high school dropout, but you wouldn’t know it by his lack of punctuation or his inability to end a sentence without laughing out loud.

Believe it or not, I had more than one meat-eating conservative type send me a message telling me that it was “cute” that I was a “little hippie/veggie girl/environmentalist.” I resent the fact that one of my most conscious, deliberate lifestyle decision has been reduced to nothing more than an adorable little quirk. Obviously if I thought it was important enough to mention in my profile, I am looking for a man who shares the same beliefs, not one who will chuckle dotingly every time I order a burrito minus the beef.

Note to Prospective Online Daters: Never belittle your potential date’s passions and interests.

***

Whew. Those are pretty bad, huh? Imagine how I felt upon reading them. There were countless other ridiculous messages from slavering fools begging for sex, but I didn’t include them since this is a fairly Christian family site.

The bottom line, readers: everyone (including me) who uses an online dating service is flawed in some way. If there’s one painful lesson I’ve learned during my short stint as an online dater, it’s that people who date online usually do so because they lack the basic human components that allow them to connect with others IRL. I would recommend that you run away before you meet a flawed f*cker who cheats on you, lies to you, and/or threatens to take away your reproductive rights.

I realize now that if I had just endured a few more weeks of loneliness instead of signing up for Online Dating Service, I would’ve eventually met a perfectly nice man IRL or, more realistically, gotten back with my ex for the millionth billionth time. Nothing wrong with that!

/sh*t