Mailbag Vol. 2 Issue 7

By Jake and Glenn

Ever since the days of the pony express, Americans could not wait to receive a letter from a dying aunt or a creditor so they could read it and never reply. We here at OYIT also can't wait to do the same. Occasionally we end up replying in a featured article called "Mailbag." If only our aunt with cancer would write into our mailbag email address we would actually write her back (no we wouldn't).

hello,

i think ur website is funny. i have keep writing in to you to tell you this but you n ever reply back! are you ignoring me? i am just here to say hi and thanks for the laughs. my favorite column is mikey because he talks like my uncle who has downs syndrum. does mikey have downs syndrum? idk. i know i dont though. soo anyway thank u for your website and keep the laughs coming.

arthur

Arthur, thank you for the kind words. Mikey does not have Down Syndrome, but the way your email reads I'm not so sure about you. Although, if your uncle with Down wants to write a weekly column for us, we have no problem exploiting people with mental disabilities. In fact, some of the smartest people I know have Down. We will try to keep the laughs coming, of course, and as long as mentally ill people are our only readers it's going to be a lot easier. Once MENSA.org links us we're going to have to take cruise control off and put the pedal to the floor.

YOOOOOOOOO, YOU GUYS SUCK! I HAVE NEVER EVER WRITTEN TO A WEBSITE BEFORE, INCLUDING COLLEGEHUMOR WHICH IS A SITE I ACTUALLY LIKE. TWO MAIN DIFFERENCES WITH BETWEEN YOUR SITE AND COLLEGEHUMOR THAT I CAN THINK OF. FIRST IS, THEY HAVE A LOT MORE VIDEO CONTENT. THE SECOND IS, YOU SUCK. THEY DON'T. SO WHY THE FUCK DID THEY PUT A LINK TO YOUR SITE ON THEIR "FUNNIEST LINKS OF THE DAY" SECTION FOR FUNNY LINKS? BEATS ME. IF I EVER FOUND OUT WHO DID THAT I WILL GIVE THEM THE REGINALD DENNING TREATMENT. BY THAT I MEAN THROW A BRICK AT THEIR FUCKING HEAD. BYE FUCKERS. THERE IS A BRICK WITH YOUR NAME ON IT.

If I see you I'll throw a brick at your head, dick. I'm pretty sure Collegehumor never linked to our site. I wouldn't know because I'm not 11 years old and don't visit that site. Maybe some day we'll have more video content, but right now I don't have a video camera. If you do, maybe I can come over to your house and we'll take a video of me chloroforming you and leaving you nude on a Greyhound bus to Wyoming. Fuck you.

Dear One Year in Texas,

My name is Vicki and I have three children, ages 8, 14, and 29. Please don't ask about the age differences. My 29 year old daughter reads your website and thinks it's funny. My 14 year old son also reads this website. Even though I suspect some of the content may be inappropriate for him, his laughs mollify that concern. I don't let my eight year old read this website because I don't let my eight year old on the computer without my supervision. I just wanted you to know that you have two of three children as big fans of your website but the third has never seen it. I, personally, am Amish so I don't use the internet and have never seen your website. But my 29 year old daughter and 14 year old son love it!

Well, it's nice to see a mixed household thriving in the 00s. You're Amish, so I don't know how you wrote this email unless you dictated it to one of your children that read our website. If that's the case then hopefully they'll read you this response. We are very pro-Amish at OYIT. All of my personal heroes were Amish people. Electricity is overrated. If I were Amish I'd just sit in the dark all night and think about episodes of the Jeffersons. This probably means that you're better than me. You probably have never even heard of the Jeffersons. Thanks for your email and your non-Amish children for being fans.

Where is the articles that tell us how to get high scores in Donkey Kong and Burger Time? You guys promised us these articles full of hints and tips on these classic arcade games. I think it's time you put up or shut up!

First of all, don't tell us to shut up. Second of all, maybe we've been too busy beating our children and the neighbors' children to play video games. That's assuming that "Burger Time" is even a video game. It sounds more like Mikey's catchphrase. Anyway, beating children is a full time job, but we'll take a vacation to find some tips for high scores. I absolutely promise by the time of the next mailbag that we'll have published an expose on Donkey Kong and Burger Time.

Hi One Year In Texas,
You guys think you're funny? I think you're pretty fucking dumb. You make these jokes about retarded people and blind people and I find it pretty damn offensive. Blind people can't read your site, but I read it to them for charity. They don't like it either! They think you guys are about as funny as somebody slipping on a banana peel, which they can't even see! Fuck you guys and stop making fun of retards and blind people.

What are you saying? Sorry I can't read your email because I'm blind. I'll have someone read it to me later, but go ahead and respond to it now and assume it's about why blind people are so stupid. We can't even see! That means, for example, that we can never read any books. So we don't know anything about choosing our own adventure or Dianetics. There's nothing funny about being blind but there is something very humiliating about it. Every day I think about killing myself but I can't find any guns. I can't see anything.

I recently had a push-up contest with my best friend. I won and we took a video of it. It's pretty impressive. I did 47 push-ups. Would you like to post this video on your website?

No thank you. Do you have a video of you doing over 50 push-ups? We'd love to post that. We were going to do a series about different races of people doing 50 push-ups, but we can't find any except for Thai and Bangladeshi. What race are you? If it's the aforementioned two, don't bother. If it's not, do 50 and let us know.