Hi Katy [Issue XX]

By Katy



Welcome, welcome to the twentieth edition of Hi Katy. Miss me? I missed me, too. The last few weeks have certainly not been fun and I'm thrilled beyond reason to get back to the only real joy I have in life; all of you. Let's skip the small talk and get engrossed.

Hi Katy,
It's been raining an awful lot this summer in my area. Call me paranoid, but I'm starting to worry that our town is going to be hit by a flood. What are some things I can do to be more prepared for the oncoming, inevitable flooding?
-Flooding Fredrick

Hi Fredrick,
I know quite a lot about flooding. As you may be aware, I survived the flood of 2008--I even have the t-shirt to prove it. If there's anything I've learned about flood planning it's this: check natural disaster predictions from the 60's. Sounds silly? That's what we thought 'til it came out that a report from the late 1960's indicated, in detail, the doom flood we were hit by last year.

And boy, were our faces red.

It should be noted that just having the knowledge of the onslaught to come isn't enough. You have to apply said knowledge and attempt some meager means of survival. This means get you some sandbags, friend. If your home is on the predicted flood plain you can make some worthless attempts to save your home and assets. Oh, and get some flood insurance. You'd be surprised the difference that makes when you're sifting through the remnants of your once colorful life.

If your home isn't directly in the threat zone, you still want to gather some supplies to make it through the mayhem:

Stock up on bottled water; In the case of a flood, your city's water supply may be shut off or placed on a "biol order." Having disease-less water can be a huge help.

Along the same lines, gather some shower wipes and a shovel; you'll be using the bathroom outside for a few days.

Don't make any major travel plans; getting around can be a major problem if you've yet to invest in a hovercraft (which doesn't work over water anyway.)

Sit back and enjoy the chaos; people go nuts over a good flood! It gives them an opportunity to forge a pseudo-kinship with Katrina victims.

Best of luck to ya!

Hi Katy,
I need you to settle a bet between my friend and me. What is the best way to prepare Spam? I say casserole and he says fried as a part of breakfast. Who is right?
-Sam Spam

Hi Sam,
There is no good way to prepare Spam--I'm disgusted by the thought. I get that people actually enjoyed this crap back when processed food was "the bee's knees," but I had hoped we'd grown beyond that. Clearly, we have not, but I don't intend to support Spam by offering up ways to ingest it. However, thisiswhyyourefat.com would be happy to indulge. Check out the Spam Musubi.

Hi Katy,
I asked this really cute girl to go dancing with me, but the trouble is I don't know how to dance! How am I supposed to learn before tomorrow night? please help.
-Dancin' Donald

Hi Donald,
Congratulations on snaggin' a cutie. It's been my experience that convincing a cute girl to go anywhere ends at a loss. It's a shame you didn't invite her to a movie or something; almost everyone can watch a movie.

You're not suppose to learn how to dance by tomorrow night. Dancing requires some base concepts and mild to moderate instruction for the general user. Didn't you learn how to square dance in gym? That should help.

You could also spend the next twenty-four hours watching instructional videos on youtube. You can learn everything on youtube. Believef it or not, it has several applicable uses

If that doesn't help then you have a few choices left. Call her up and make up an ankle injury so you can change the date to something less talented. Hopefully she didn't accept the date solely for jiggy-gettin'. Should you choose to go dancing you can intentionally (or accidentally depending how bad a dancer you are) come off bumbling and charming a la Hugh Grant in all his movies. Note: this is tricky because people don't find the Hugh Grants of the world particularly charming anymore. There's also the fear of her putting together the fact that you can't dance and asked her to go dancing. She might wonder what you're playing at. So, you could given dancing your best shot and, without being an ass, you own that dance floor no matter what. Who knows? She may be a worse dancer than you--fingers crossed!

Hi Katy,
It's been so fucking hot lately that it's too hot to cook in my kitchen. I mean, fuck! What am I supposed to do? Last night, my girlfriend and I spent almost $20 eating burritos at a Mexican joint. That's just too fucking expensive and we can't afford to do it again. Can you give me some good ass recipe suggestions for some dishes that I either don't have to cook or can just throw in a pot and let cook on the stove while I watch Porky's for the 300th time?
-Hot Harry

Hi Harry,
Yeah--it has been fucking hot lately, and $20 burritos in 90 degree weather doesn't exactly get the juices flowin'. Rather than start listing heatless recipes, I opt instead to go over a general list with you.

Salads are of course the most simplistic meal to make, but while they're healthy, I can understand not wanting to eat salad every day for every meal. So let's travel some other roads. (note to the reader: I'm trying to watch the latest news about Jon and Kate on the news, I've been crossing my fingers for Jon to divorce that hag for years so I can raise his lovely Asian babies. This is more important than food.) Now may be a good time for you to familiarize yourself with some sushi makin'. I believe all nigiri and most maki have raw ingredients. You'll have to be careful of the humidity though--your rice could have some funky problems.

If you haven't already, I urge you to make some small investments. Buy a crock pot and a Pizzaz. The crock pot is amazing and cancels your need to let something simmer on the stove for a long time, plus it produces far less heat than your stove as far as output. You can make cabbage, soups, stews, potatoes, taco and burrito meat/beans/tofu, and my favorite, mystery can surprise. The same basic idea goes for the Pizzaz. While this modern marvel was primarily intended for pizzas you can use it for several oven-like food needs. Again--you're savin' yourself on heat and sadness. Plus, the Pizzaz makes frozen fried/baked/broiled foods like french fries 10 times crispier than the oven.

And of course, don't forget about your microwave! It's 2009 so I have to assume there's no reason to NOT own a microwave; my 90-year-old grandmother's had one since 1982. Pre-packaged, frozen, processed food cooks great in those things. If you're at all worried about your health, remember you can utilize the microwave in other ways like cooking pasta, rice, or steaming vegetables. A whole myriad of options.

I hope that helps a little. now may be the time for a cereal phase--no cooking plus delicious. Keep cool.

Hi Katy,
Is there anything worse than playing Monopoly?
-Monopoly Margaret

Hi Margaret,
Absolutely.

Hi Katy,
What is the worst date you have ever been on? A guy once took me to see The Gin Blossoms at a county fair. That was pretty bad because I'm not a fan of the Gin Blossoms, except for their hit "Hey Jealousy."
-Dating Donna

Hi Donna,
I also like "Hey Jealousy" so no foul there. Hey--what's' up with the Gin Blossoms playing all those county and state fairs? Lamesauce.

My worst date is easy. You should get yourself all sorts of comfy, this could lengthy.

When I was 19 I was working at a restaurant when a co-worker (we'll call her Amy, cuz her name was Amy) invited me on a blind double date with her and her finance. I had met a group of her friends one evening for about two minutes and thinking I knew (foreshadow) which guy she was speaking of, I figured...why not?

I should have known better. He had some stupid name like Dirk or Dewey. I think it was Dewey.

So, on the night in question I went to pick up Dewey, as per the plan, to take him to meet Amy and her fiance (we'll call Jim because I don't remember his name) at their house.

Chaos ensues.

The moment Dewey answered the door I knew he wasn't the guy I had thought I was meeting. He was fat with a buzz cut and glasses and I'm shallow. Better yet, he a 17-year-old high school kid. On the trip to Amy's I also learned that his loves included football, playing and watching, and Christian rap. It appeared that I was going on a date with my little brother. Oh, he also had this fairly amazing life plan to drop out of high school senior year, pursue a GED, and work at John Deere or join the army or something. Most importantly, this kid had zero sense of humor. He had -100 sense of humor. How did I let this kid go?

Here's the best part when we got to Amy's and I met Jim I realized he was the guy I thought I was meeting. Amy found this hilarious as I told her quietly to the side. Honestly, Cosmo's Confessions have nothing on me.

To shorten this marathon up, we played an entirely awkward game of Battle of the Sexes which allowed me the chance to sit with Amy and avoid most direct contact with either guy. My 17-year-old date made a point to prove he not only lacked all information on female stereotypes, but he could also drink more PBR than a homeless veteran. I made up some reason to go home early (like my pride was deflating) and luckily Dewey chose to walk me to my vehicle. I managed to get the car door in between he and I as we said our goodbyes to avoid any fruitless kissing attempts (which he actually thought would be appropriate). He said something about having a great time and I talked about how busy my schedule was with two jobs and school (it's true) and drove home quickly to the arms of my ex-boyfriend to revel in my bad luck and have a good laugh.

Everyone should have one terrible blind date.



That's it, kids. Please keep sending me your questions... katy@oneyearintexas.com.