Hi Katy [Issue XVIII]

By Katy



I don't have much to preface this weeks article with, but I do have something to say at the end... BUT DON'T SKIP AHEAD. I just wanted everyone to know there's an important announcement today. First, enjoy these questions...

Hi Katy,
To me baseball is the game of kings, not 'roided up yuppies. The problem is that I have never hit a home run, but I can come close. Do you know of any great non-bat corking techniques to hit a homer?
-Baseball Billy

Hi Billy,
I get an awful lot of baseball questions. It's understandable, because I know virtually everything there is to know about the sport. Aside from God, baseball was the single most important past time in my family growing up--we were excellent Americans.

My father coached my little brother's baseball teams from the time he was three-years-old (my brother, not my dad) until The Dachshund Tragedy of '06...we don't really speak of it. I've been to more pro baseball games than I have McDonald's Playhouses and the sound of a Cardinal announcer floods my memories faster than a good Spice Girls ditty.

I'm telling you all of this because I want you to know I truly know what I'm talking about. Now, about your problem. Here are some suggestions that may help you better your game:

Spend some time on a t-ball diamond hitting homers. It'll make you feel good and accomplished, plus it will help you visualize the actual homer when you're in a regulation game.

When "on deck" do that practice swingy thing with two baseball bats; when you get rid of the second one you'll feel like you've spent three minutes bulking up an extra fifteen pounds of pure muscle.

Step up to the plate.

Take the proper stance; feet spread slightly more than shoulder length apart, mildly bent at the knees arms up, rotate the bat a few times (because it feels cool) and look at that pitcher like you're going to rape his family.

Wait for the right pitch and swing the bat evenly with a slight upwards tilt (as you step into the pitch) and put all your power into the swing.

Homerun, bitches.

Of course, if you've been doing all those things and nothing has helped, I would highly recommend you get yourself some talent. Talent is really what wins baseball games, but most people don't have it, so they find talent in the form of steroids or a corked bat. Don't knock it 'til you try it.

Hi Katy,
I recently started taking a karate class. It makes me feel uncomfortable because there are mostly children in the class. Should I quit the class or just stick it out?
-Karate Carl

Hi Carl,
My, sir, this is quite a pickle you've gotten yourself into. I bet you wish you had just taken karate when YOU were a little kid instead of appearing like a freak, right?

Wrong. You're not a freak. Some of us weren't fortunate enough to figure out what we wanted to do when we were seven or perhaps our (hypothetical) parents were too busy spending their money on prostitutes and Grey Goose to enroll us in sporting activities. I know where you're comin' from.

You shouldn't be ashamed to be in the class with little kids. However, I can't imagine sparring is working out too well for you. Whether you kick the crap out of a little kid or he you, there's really no recovering from that.

You should find yourself an adult class. Don't drop karate all together, but more and more adult classes are being offered either as continuing education through a community college or just a private institution with a slot for grown-ups. I think you'd feel more comfortable with a group of overweight thirty-year-olds your own size to make sparring a bit more equal. I think you'll also find you're having more fun when you don't have to worry about Little Johnnie kicking you in your man balls.

Now that it's summer and the weather is getting warmer it seems like it's time for some ice cold treats. What are some of your favorite summer desserts? I love ice cream and sno-cones.
-Ice Cream Kate

Hi Kate,
I'm sorry to be such a disappointment, but I don't do ice cold treats. You see, my father passed down all of his traits, good and bad, to my siblings, including his chalkboard scratching ability to dig his teeth into ice, ice cream, Italian ice, and basically anything that would make a sensitive toothed person cringe. And that's me, I have uber-sensitive teeth.

I tried for many years to deny this deformity, but there came a day when spending two hours just to eat a cookie dough Blizzard became more of a hassle than a delight. It was right then and there, as a enjoyed this raw cookie delight, that I decided to call it quits. I gave up the sno cones and Blizzards and decided I didn't really like them anyway. I had been lying to myself all along because "that's what everyone else eats." But not Katy. Katy does not like ice cream.

So, I don't really know what my favorite summer treats are. They're all pretty cold. EXCEPT...... (drum role)....... mother troughing Dots. Dippin' Dots, that is. Somebody JUST LIKE ME decided they could no longer abide the chilly and melty form of ice cream and something must be done. That brave, innovative person created the tiniest, tastiest processed ice cream treat ever to grace our baseball games, water parks, and carnivals. I can say without a shadow of regret, that Dippin' Dots is the best summer, winter, fall, and spring treat out there.

Hi Katy,
Have you ever seen the TV show Lost? I have not, but I have some friends that act like it's the greatest thing ever. I don't usually get into hour long shows, although occasionally I will. Is it worth my time?
-Lost Larry

Hi Larry,
This is indeed a toughie. For several years I felt the very same way you do now (except hour-long TV shows easily trump boring old half-hours.) While I knew several people that enjoyed Lost, I had never taken the time to get into it, myself.

Then, several months ago I was sitting on my couch at 2AM on a Tuesday, smoking and channel surfing. I found that Lost was being rerun from the beginning on Sci-Fi and without anything better to do I decided to give it a shot.

I am now working on the fourth season, (which a very dear friend highly recommended I watch in stride and I am completely taking his advice) and I still haven't decided how I feel about it. But, just from that statement alone, it's pretty clear that the show sucks you in. While there are a lot of things that irritate me about the show, there are likewise several aspects I find endearing. I can't state right out if it's a good show or not because most of our favorite television shows and movies are meant to be an escape from the crap we deal with in reality. We don't want them to make us feel bad. BUT--curveball--the things that happen on Lost are not realistic and therefore, we meet the wonderful world of science fiction/fantasy, where everything and anything can happen.

I think it's worth watching just for that. It's not an escape from the horrible ails of life, but it is an escape from the mundane. You may as well watch the first season and see if you enjoy it, what harm could come?

Hi Katy,
My girlfriend is going out of town for five days. I have no idea what to do with myself for those days. Can you give me some tips on things I can do to keep myself busy?
-Alone Allan

Hi Allan,
Happily.

Start a new television series; I recommend Lost, Weeds, Trailer Park Boys, or Eureka.

Go on a search in the city for places you've never been before whether that be restaurants, boutiques, or quaint movie houses. You can take your girlfriend there when she gets back and it can be your new "special" place.

Don't watch Eureka, I was totally joshing.

Check into some volunteer opportunities. You can look around town, or visit a site like this to get you started. Personally, I'm a bit fan of animal shelters.

Speaking of animal shelters, if you feel you're responsible enough and financially able, I'd suggest getting yourself an animal. A dog or cat or bird or little monkey that can keep you company at times like this and that you and your girlfriend can love together when she returns. They really help cheer up an empty house.

Add movies to your Netflix queue. This can help take up HOURS of free time. I like to start by going through all the movies my friends have watched and rating them. Then that gives me ideas for movies I want to watch in the future. Plus, with recommendation lists, I can add a whole score of movies I'm not even sure if I'll like or not.

Take some Facebook quizzes. Yeah, it's lame, but so is Twitter and I bet you have one of those. Suck it up.

Take a walk in the park. There's nothing quite as pleasant as walking alone with only your thoughts to keep you company... depending on what you think about.

That's definitely the short list. There are many of websites devoted to giving people ridiculous things to do to occupy your time (just stumble for a while). You could check those out and waste time merely by web surfing. Plus, if you find anything you actually want to do then you're double good. I hope this helps, I'm sure those five days will fly by.

Hi Katy,
I wrote in about the Problem Child a while back. I was wondering if you had a chance to watch the film yet.
-Problem Child Paul

Hi Paul,
Excellent timing. I did, not two days ago, watch both Problem Child and Problem Child 2 and I can say in all honestly that the first greatly outshines the latter. While I did manage to take some notes, they mostly consist of one or two words and I've forgotten what most of them mean, but I'll do my best to lay out my thoughts for each, anyway.

Problem Child:

Cats eating bubbles: An early scene that you're bound to miss if you fast forward through the credits, but that doesn't make it any less important. See, Junior sees the poor little kitty is all hungry and junk so he pours practically and entire box of dishwashing powder into his feed bowl. The cat eats it BUT DOESN'T DIE. He just burped up bubbles. Cute, but highly unlikely.

Gilbert Gottfried: Excellent. By far the best supporting role I've seen him in. Up until now, I found his work in Saved By the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas to be the best he had to offer, but his comedic timing in this movie really proved his worth.

Adoption Nun Conspiracies: We all know there are a lot of children out there awaiting adoption, but this movie opened my eyes to a problem I had not yet considered. Apparently, due to the selfishness of nuns and their inability to rear children, they get rid of all the kids they don't like first, leaving perfectly good kids stuck in orphanages their whole life. Someone do something about this!

Child Smothering: I've never really cared for John Ritter, but as Gottfried pulled it through, I also took a strong liking to Ritter in both these movies. My favorite part was when Ritter grabbed a pillow and made to smother little Junior. Is there anything funnier than killing your own child?

That's it for Problem Child. I took many more notes for Problem Child 2 as I had much more disdain for it. Let's continue.

Problem Child 2:

Potty Humor/Slapstick: Two forms of comedy I don't particularly care for and they were raged wildly throughout this flick; like Kevin Smith took Larry's place in The Three Stooges. Unflattering.

Adorable Girl: OMG. Ivyann Schwan is the cutest little girl I have ever seen. More importantly, she was on an episode of Jenny Jones in 2000. If you ever get a chance, check out the fox this little girl has turned into.

Creepy Bathroom Scene: Now, maybe I should stop doing drugs before I watch movies... but the scene where Trixie (Ivyann Schwan) hides in a bathroom stall to escape the wrath of Junior creeped me out a little. Not that hiding in bathroom stalls is all that odd. But Junior busts in the door and accosts her to the point where she falls back on the toilet in a compromising position. Also, I just finished reading Pygmy. Maybe that's where the bad feelings came from.

Explosions: There were like, three huge explosions in this movie, and all of them should have obliterated the person directly in contact. I get it. It's a kids movie and it's HILARIOUS to blow stuff up, but ask yourself: isn't blowing up people without teaching children the result of such destruction just as bad as telling them you can have sex WITHOUT getting pregnant? Yeah.

Bully: That stupid ass bully who was repeating the sixth grade for the umpteenth time was totally lame. Lame, and super creepy. Again, perhaps I'm getting stuck in the reality of the situation, but why hasn't someone just given this kid a job at Burger King? At least there he would be a somewhat helpful additional to society and 2AM munchies instead of spending his days obsessed with what to do to an eight year old.

Vomit: No. No, no, no, no, no. No.

Dog Hypnosis: While not as serious as the nun conspiracy, I'm glad PC 2 pointed out that we haven't done nearly enough research on animal hypnosis. That's probably a worthy cause for our tax dollars.

Baghdad: There was a point where Junior made a joke about Baghdad. I felt it was discriminatory because eight-year-olds watching the movie wouldn't have understood it and it's unfair to plug political agendas into these kind of movies.

Democracy Play: Nevertheless, the play about democracy was the best I've ever seen. I totally get it now.

Well, there ya go, Paul. My love and hates of both movies and while the first list is lacking, I was much more drawn to the story arc than that of the second. Cute girl and nurse hookup aside, everything else was just awful. Also, I really didn't get the whole red/blue thing. It was a nice subtle joke they threw in at the beginning of PC and took way to far in PC2.

Also, I should note that Michael Richards did a fantastic job. While I was afraid of what he might do, I also cheered for him as he pegged Ritter's wife. Good for you Richards, I'm sure you're having trouble getting laid now.

Thank you Paul for your recommendation and I hope I haven't disappointed you with my opinions.

* * * * *

That's the end! But before I stop typing I want everyone to know that I'm going under the knife next week. It's life or death... with a 99.8% at life. I'll probably be doped up and sleeping for the rest of the week so I wouldn't be able to give you a very coherent Hi Katy. Never to worry. I have asked one of the OYIT writers to fill in for me, just for next week, so you can go on learning how to live your life from us. Who is it? I DON'T KNOW! And I certainly won't tell you because it'll ruin the surprise. Continuing sending your questions to katy@oneyearintexas.com and I will be sure to forward them to the necessary parties. Wish me luck and I'll see you in two weeks!