Help Me Get Organized!

By Heather Joy

So, I made the mistake of tweeting about my last blog before I ever followed through with my grand scheme to get two boyfriends. Oops. Suffice to say, it didn't work and I had the police waiting for me in the movie theater parking lot. You can't win em all, I suppose (but do keep an eye out for "A Feminist Guide to Banging Chicks in the Slammer"). In the mean time, however, I'm going to lay off the romancing and advice-giving theme, and tackle some serious issues.

As you may recall, Sociology is my passion and also the reason why I write for this progressive and politically-correct website. I was initially attracted to the subject because I wanted to become a grass-roots level activist, but have become increasingly pedantic with the realization that putting an end to all prejudice would only decrease my future job prospects! Rather, I spread hate in an equal-opportunity fashion so as to not compromise my principles.

Anyways, I have had a lot of time to reflect lately, and have decided that I should start up my very own organization and do some good shit for the world! That’s where you guys come in. I greatly value the opinions of OYIT readers and your pets, so make sure to read this one aloud and give me some feedback on which one I should establish.


R.A.P.E. (Republicans Against People Eating)
Republican Party affiliation is down within every major demographic group except with churchgoers. They need some help, and I’m prepared to offer it since I believe in the two-party system as the polemical to-and-fro is just fucking hilarious. Anyways, Republicans have never stated their position on this issue before, which I believe has always rendered them suspect. The only obstacle I see at this point is finding a famous Republican backer who does not eat people or at least does not appear as though they do. O’Reilly, Limbaugh, and Coulter are all out. And Greta Van Susteren sounds like a tasty casserole, which is entirely too tempting.

N.A.Z.I. (Nymphos Against Zebra Incest)
As long as we keep attaching the word “nazi” to everything we deem as bad, it’s like the Holocaust is happening all over again. Sure, I’ve got blonde hair, blue eyes, and am of German descent, so you might think me biased--but I just do not think it is healthy to dwell on bad shit all the time. Thus, I propose we change the original meaning of “nazi” (whatever that even is!), and use it for positive endeavors. People think Nymphos are all non-discriminating sluts, but they have standards too! Unlike those dirty, incestuous zebras. Also, we would be helping out two marginalized groups here (ie.nazis/nymphos), thus killing two birds with one stone.

O.A.K.T.B.O.S. (Organization Against Killing Two Birds with One Stone)
There’s a bunch of pricks out there, running around, throwing stone. Have some common sense of decency, bend that fat ass over, and pick up a DIFFERENT fucking stone to kill that second bird, you jerk.

O.F.I. (Organization for Infanticide)
You ever notice how all organizations seem to always be AGAINST something? Can we try to be a little constructive for once?!

FUCKEWE
Not an acronym. I just think it’s about time we fuck some ewes. Stay away from those dirty zebra whores.

M.A.O.T.B. (Middle-Aged Adults on the Block)
I just think it’s about time.

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Anyone else get the feeling that I wrote this entire article based on one good idea for an organization, and just haphazardly rushed through the rest? Good. There’s an organization for people who do that too:

O.Y.I.T. (One Year in Texas)