A Feminist Guide to Dealing with Getting Dumped

By Heather Joy

I wrote a blog a while back with tips for enjoying a feminist-inspired Valentine’s Day. If you followed my advice, chances are that you have been dumped, and are currently wallowing in a state of grief. Rest assured, my sisters, I am back with more healthy advice and corollary means to empowerment. None of that heart-mending bullshit. A lot of people believe that you should focus on doing good things for yourself after a break-up, like taking up Pilates or reading a good book--but really, who has the time to learn Pilates or how to read? And besides, Pilates are for pussies. If you want to do some real damage, master the Kegel exercises.


Your range of activities is severely limited during the immediate post-break-up period because it is difficult to see through the tears that accompany emotional instability. You do not want to hurt yourself, so avoid anything too active until you wise up and can get a hold of yourself. For example, it is not difficult to drink through those tears, nor is it difficult to siphon them into empty beer bottles. Martini glasses can be tricky, but if you’re the classless bitch I think you are, you don’t have any of those on hand anyways. Do not turn to ice cream tubs, but start chain-smoking. Chances are that it was the ice cream that got you dumped in the first place and you’ve just been blaming it on my blog. Your hate mail only serves to inspire me, fatty. Furthermore, drinking and smoking are best executed within solitary confines, coupled with some sort of televised entertainment. Do not watch Sex and the City or any other “romantic” genre--in fact, never watch those, you sappy drip. Imbibing copious amounts of porn can do wonders for your self-esteem. Masturbation is THE best way to love yourself.

Once you are good and toasty, get out of your stinky room and enact some good ol' fashion revenge. For one, air his dirty laundry. Literally speaking, throw out that last pair of boxers that you have been snuggling with and mulling over in your room for days. In the figurative sense, however, you must tell every last secret that he ever revealed to you. I like to start with social security and bank account numbers. I then move on to sharing really embarrassing, intimate details regarding our sex life. For example, I once told everyone how this loser got all ticklish every time I would try to lick his armpits and he was all like "no, no, stop it." Pssh. What a sexual novice! Make up stuff too! Like, say that he had a breast reduction or that his legs are actually two giant penises that can walk, which is why he doesn't wear low-cut tops or shorts.

Also, spill everything you know about his immediate and extended family. You tell all those nieces and nephews that Santa Claus does not exist (my bad if you're just finding this out now), and you also make sure that they know it was their parents that orchestrated the whole thing. If granny has a life-debilitating illness that she has not shared with the entire family, ask everybody to pitch in some money for an ornate flower arrangement for when she has to be admitted to the hospital. Run off with the money within the midst of the ensuing drama, of course. And if there is a teenage cousin in the closet somewhere, by golly you need to let them out! Being so frank and earnest, you will inevitably find an older, mature boyfriend more appreciative of your unabashed honesty. Score!

Once you find this new dream man, you must check the ex-boyfriend's twitter to find out where he's hanging and "accidentally" show up. He may accuse you of stalking him, but this is impossible to prove if you leave a proper twitter alibi trail. For example, if the ex tweets that he is going to the movies, you tweet "Decided to go to the movies 5 minutes ago. So busy DOING IT with the bf that I forgot to tweet it." Then when you bump into the ex, make sure that however long you say that you've been dating the new guy, is exactly one month prior to your actual break-up. Act real sheepishly as though you inadvertently admitted to cheating on him and apologize profusely as he storms off to his car. Then offer to give him a ride home. I mean, you did remember to slash the tires on his car on your way into the theater, right? He is bound to fall back in love with you during the car ride home, leaving you with two boyfriends, my friend. Now, that's empowerment.