One Week in Entertainment {05-23-09}

By Kaleena

What the hell? Does Sunday come once every week? And does it always creep up on you like a crack addict stalking you down the alley because you just had to take the alley this time?
Well I won't let it take me down, rape me and steal my hard earned money just to continue ruining my life. I'll take it down, beat it a little and then try and have a heart to heart about where things went wrong and how to move on.
You don't have to hear all that, though. Keep yourself busy with this while I pursue my mission.

Brooke Shield's mom was found in a restaurant with a freelance reporter this week. Her mom suffers from dementia and was signed out of her residence, which is a nursing home in Jersey, by the freelancing bastard him/herself (not quite sure on that). People still take their old to nursing homes? If my kids sent me to a nursing home, I would haunt them.
Just kidding. Sort of.

Bradley Cooper denies rumored romance with Jennifer Aniston. Who wouldn't?

No Doubt is back! All those who gave up hope after Tragic Kingdom have something to revive their spirits. I don't know about you, but I'm thinking of dusting off the ol' swinger get-up and selling some of my hemp necklaces to get some extra cash for tickets.

Carnie Wilson is still holding out hope. She's now hosting a revival of Newlywed Game on GSN. That always works out well! Oh and she's nine-months pregnant-good luck and congratulations.

Brad Pitt finally made it to the Cannes Film Festival and was just awaiting Angelina's arrival before the festivities could go underway.

Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend of 4 years are engaged. Hmmm...commitment issues? Wouldn't it have been more prudent to get married when it was legal? Well sure - that is,if you really wanted to be married!

Mary-Louise Parker was a bit pissed that she was coerced into a nude scene for Weeds. Why Mary? You're hot, you're 44 and that's awesome. Look at this this way - you don't have to be naked for men all over (and women too, I'm sure) to spend some "alone time" with magazine pictures of you. And no one's laughing. If anything else, 44 year-old...hell, 26 year old women all over are cursing their genetics for not being yours.

Kanye West and his manager, Don Crawley, are in court over allegations that they attacked a paparazzi and smashed his camera after he was being an asshole. First of all, I believe this shit should never go to court because paparazzi step way over the line and have no respect for anything living.
Second, would a guilty guy go to court dressed like this?

Rachel McAdams handcuffs Robert Downey Jr. to a bed in the new Sherlock Holmes picture. What woman wouldn't?

Skydiver James Boole fell 6,000 feet and survived. The guy who was supposed to signal him to open his chute failed to do so. Failed to do so. There is a lot to be said for higher education and ultimate revenge.

Amy Winehouse is working on a documentary - already. She is 25 and still alive which is in and of itself a miracle and she should give herself to God for that one. Amen.

Before attending the Cannes Film Festival, Angelina Jolie made a pit stop in the Netherlands to attend the trial of Thomas Lubanga - a warlord who used children as soldiers. Who new the Netherlands had an edge?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a date with 60 guests when she arrived in Cannes. I wish I'd been there.

Bristol Palin told People magazine: "If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex. Trust me. Nobody." You need to visit anywhere other than Alaska, Bristol. You would be sorely disappointed.

Sean Penn and Robin Wright are back on for now. Really Robin? He must be outstanding in bed or something because - aside from the money - I just don't get it.

That church lady who killed that little girl tried to kill herself by swallowing razor blades. Good for her. Now the justice system just needs to learn to let these people finish the job. They know they're not clearly made for this world.

Remember how Kim Kardashian was so proud of her body before? Yeah, well now she's exercising and eating all well and proud of toning up and losing the cellulite. Traitor!

Danny Hauser, the kid fighting not to get chemo, and his mother have apparently fled the country. They are thought to be on their way to Mexico to seek alternative cancer treatments. Is it cruel for me to be rooting for them? I love kids, but if the kid doesn't even want the treatment who's to tell him otherwise?

Way to end on a high-note me! I hope you all have a great week and remember our celebrities in need at your dinner tables and couches.