One Week in Entertainment {05-02-09}

By Kaleena

You know, last week I thought "Man, my faithful readers must think I'm slacking and forgetting to bring them the entertainment summary they look forward to in order to justify their long, arduous work weeks." Then I remembered 2 very important things.
A.) I am, if nothing else, NOT a slacker
2.) I have maybe 2 faithful followers. MAYBE 2.

Regardless, I was asked to write this so I am back yet again to bring you my colorful week in entertainment review.

Simon Cowell says Susan Boyle could lose on Britain's Got Talent if she doesn't find a way to step it up a big notch. Since I now know who she is thanks to the cover of People magazine I wish the best of luck to the hero of church choir singers all around the globe.

Rumor has it that the Craigslist killer's wedding nuptials have been, pardon the expression, laid to rest. What? Really? The killer's fiance, however, still stands by her man saying "he is a kind and caring killer - er, I mean murderer - I mean person!" Silly girl.

Hayek, 42, finally got the wedding of her dreams when she and husband Francois Henri-Pinault renewed their vows in Venice, Italy. Okay, second time's sweet. If it goes any further I'm going to start to get annoyed. Awww...just kidding. I could never stay mad at you, Selma.

BEA ARTHUR IS DEAD!!!! I wish I had a Golden Girls montage to play for you all. Wait a sec....


RIP you sassy amazon woman.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got married - again! What is with these people? Ah well. I wouldn't have reported on this anyway, but Jake really digs Heidi Montag's tweets so this one's for you babe.

Creed is back! Oh god....it's just never going to end.

Zac Efron's mom reportedly joined him in a beer garden in Berlin to celebrate the premier of his new movie 17 Again. Now, some girls may find this cute but I feel for this kid's girlfriends. Momma's boys's moms make the worst mother-in-laws. "Guess who's joining us on our honey-moon, dear?"

It's true - the stars of Slumdog Millionaire are in fact a couple. Aww....I've really got to see that movie.

The Mexican premiere of the new Wolverine movie was postponed due to swine flu. Damn pigs ruin everything! By pigs I mean cops. Do you think this flu will make shit a bit harder for police everywhere? At least more frustrating? Hmmmm. I kind of hope so.

Congratulations Patton Oswalt - it's a girl! A hilarious girl!

Ugly Betty's Ana Ortiz says pregnancy has made her a bit psychic. Well, it takes all types. Just use your powers for good, Ana.

Julia Roberts dropped a couple of F-bombs in her speech for the Tom Hanks tribute at the Film Society of Lincoln Center Gala. He later said she had the biggest potty mouth you've ever heard. Really Hanks? Really? You have no idea who the fuck you could be dealing with you Oscar-winning motherfucker. I resent the possibility that some rich-twin-having-bitch could possibly have a worse mouth than I. Fuck that - just fuck that!

Peter Facinelli who plays Carlisle Cullen in Twilight says he has no problem with the late night (or very early morning) shoots for the movies. He credits his ability to go with almost no sleep to the fact that he is a real vampire.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt went to Mexico after their second wedding for a music video shoot for Montag. They wore masks everywhere, holed themselves up and washed their hands constantly to fend off the swine flu. Why the hell would you go the Mexico at this time? Oh...they're both blond and Spencer's facial hair is flesh-colored (thanks Joel!). Well - it takes a special type.

The Jolie-Pitts recently graced the town of Oyster Bay, NY with their presence causing people everywhere to believe they were dreaming when they laid eyes upon the glorious family. I'm exaggerating a little, but I am biased when it comes to the Jolie-Pitts. Oh alright, when it comes to Angelina. No offense Brad Pitt, who I'm sure reads this every week. I just loved her first.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are having twins via a surrogate mother. Congrats you two! Why, I remember earlier this year it was speculated that Matt was having an affair with some other woman. Why, it was only 6 months ago, I believe. Wait...how far along is this surrogate?

Mel Gibson stepped out with his new girlfriend at a premiere of the new Wolverine movie. Man..she's hot! I was going to say he wastes no time but really. Have you seen her? It's no wonder.

Sean Penn filed for legal separation from wife Robin-Wright Penn. Let him go, Robin. You look better anyway, and would probably do well to just try and clean him out and find someone worth your time who would remember to thank you for sticking by his sorry ass all those years.

Anna Faris isn't worrying about losing weight before her wedding. I <3 you Anna Faris and your fiance, Chris Pratt. You will no doubt be the happiest Hollywood newlyweds this year!

Dolly Parton says she was mistaken for a prostitute in NYC back in 1968 when she moved there with some of her friends. At least she admits it's a reasonable mistake. One guy wouldn't take no for an answer when he propositioned her and she threatened to shoot him. Let this be a lesson - never, never fuck with a country girl.

Ed Burns and Christy Turlington are trying to help find a bone-marrow donor for their son's school-mate. Nothing funny about this. This is just beautiful and did you know it's easy to donate? Just check your local medical facility for details.

Kelly McGillis, who played Tom Cruise's girlfriend in Top Gun says she's turned lesbian. Seriously. You know, you're really not helping the 'it's not a choice' argument, dear.

People ran a poll asking who should play Susan Boyle in the Susan Bolye big-screen story if it were to get made. What the hell? Does this woman sing to people in the midst of suicide and make them change their minds? Does her voice shrivel cancer, what's the deal?

Coldplay is rewarding fans with a free album to help ease the pain of the economic crunch. Reward might not be the word I would use to describe it.

Stars turned Trekkie nerds at the premiere of the new Star Trek movie. I just shake my head, sigh and look away. I can't stand more than one Vulcan salute ever.

Finally, Mischa Barton debuts her spring headband collection. Well this seems like the laziest fashion line, ever. Congratulations Mischa! Look forward to the fall sock line.


HAHAHAHA! HAHA! HAHAHA! Phew! Oh my....my ribs. My poor aching ribs. I hope you all were able to make it through this with all your ribs in tact. I know I sure didn't! I'll try and be more gentle next week, but there are just NO promises!