Hi Katy - Issue XV

By Katy



I'm back! I once again apologize for last week's hiatus and I appreciate (most of you) understanding and being okay with this. For those that stuck by me in my time of need, this issue is dedicated to you. Grab some Red Vines and enjoy this weeks Hi Katy!

Hi Katy,
My boyfriend is a bit of a thrillseeker. I'm not really into that kind of thing though. I won't even ride the American Eagle at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, IL. He really wants me to go skydiving with him. It's not necessarily that I don't want to do it, I'm just really afraid of what could go wrong. Do you have any advice on how to get over my fear?
-Scared Sarah

Hi Sarah,
Well I can certainly understand your concern. If you're afraid of even going FORWARD on the American Eagle there's no way you're going to hack skydiving. This is of course a very touchy subject because we want everybody to be happy!

Unfortunately getting over your fears isn't an option. I know people pretend like it's possible, but it's just not. You're going to be a lamo scaredy-cat for years to come, so I'm not going to waste your time by offering hypnosis or experimentation or any of that nonsense. Let's skip right to the goodies. Get yourself pregnant. Oh yeah, I'm serious. Rather it be from that boyfriend of yours or some random passerby, it's the easiest out for most things. In fact, where I work, you can get pregnant just to save yourself ten feet of walking distance from the parking lot. It's that amazing!

I know this might seem a big extreme, but please don't worry yourself with the little details like whether or not he'll leave you for this. If he does, then society sees him as an asshole and you get the pity vote. Again, everybody wins. You'll have a surefire excuse for skipping out on extreme sports without hurting your boyfriends fragile feelings. Have fun lazing on the couch for the next nine months!

Hi Katy,
I'm having trouble picking out the right gun. We live in a bad neighborhood and we definitely need some protection. What is the best gun?
-Gary Gunner

Hi Gary,
I'm glad you were compelled to bring this up to me. There's nothing more important than safety in the neighborhood and no better way of finding it than to carry it in the waste of your jeans.

When it comes to gun recommendations I like to stick with an oldie but a goody: the Super Soaker Flash Flood. This piece does not f#@$ around! Just read this description:

The FLASH FLOOD blaster is a totally awesome water blaster that can shoot out water at your opponents in two cool ways! Blast 'em once with a constant stream of water or blast 'em twice by pulling back the trigger for the ultimate FLASH FLOOD!

Empty the upper tank all at once and soak your opponents with a massive water explosion! The quick-fill cap allows for fast-and-easy refills...air powered water blaster features two water tanks and a patented CONSTANT PRESSURE SYSTEM that ensures that the last drop of water blasts out with as much power as the first. Hits targets up to 35 feet away...

Wow, right? That is not your grandmomma's Super Soaker. It's cheap and best of all, there's no waiting list! That's powerful protection. "But Katy, there aren't any bullets in that gun." Hey, reader, do you have any idea how many liquids there are in this wide world of ours that can inflict damage on a human? Answer: A-freaking-lot. You've got everything from your corrosives to lethals to a little stingy canister of pepper spray. Now, I'm not endorsing the burning of fellow neighbor's eye sockets. Not really. I'm just saying if there ever comes a day when you find yourself amid a zombie holocaust, you won't be regretting your decision.

And hey, buy three or four so you're ready for that day.

Hi Katy,
First of all, there is something you should know about me; I hate calling off of work. I'm a bit of a workaholic. I got sick last week and went to work. My boss sent me home and it crushed me. I'm thinking of starting my own business so I can work even if I have diarrhea. What kind of home business do you think is the best?
-Work-at-home Wanda

Hi Wanda,
I am totally the same way. Once I tried taking time off work to regroup and I was so restless I went on a resume spree and woke up the next morning groggy and with fifteen new jobs. It was a dark time in my life.

Working from home! The new fake way to aid society. Well, it just so happens I know of some great career opportunities for the home front. My most favorite: mystery shopper. You'll have to go online and Google "mystery shopper" for this one. It's a pretty hush hush business. Once you do a little Googling, you should be able to find someone seeking the aid of a mystery shopper. Likely, you'll have to e-mail this person and they'll request to do an IM interview with you. Now, keep in mind it's likely they're not going to be too well versed in English. Just ignore all these warning signs and proceed to give them your private, personal information. Next, they'll send you a check for $2,000+ to deposit in your checking account. DO THIS IMMEDIATELY, no questions asked.

From that point on you're on your own and I don't wish to have an affiliation with your new found career. You just enjoy the simple pleasures of doing seemingly nothing for a large sum of cash you're supposedly entitled to and I'm sure things will work out super for you in the future.

Hi Katy,
My mother yelled at me because I didn't give my grandma a kiss the last time we visited her. She said that it could be the last time and I told her that she's very negative. Who do you think is right?
-Reid Right

Hi Reid,
Your mom sounds like a truly awful person, I'm sorry about that.

Although, I think your mother is right, and that indeed could be the last time you'll ever see your grandmother, however I find the concept of kissing her because of that to be a bit of flawed logic. In fact, if you applied that logic every time you left a room containing a someone you valued, you'd no doubt be the kissing slut of all time.

Life is fragile, and not just for the elderly. People are dropping everyday from silly things like viruses, gunshot wounds, car accidents, airborne illnesses, Super Soakers, STDs, lynchings, peanut allergies, etc. You name it, you're going to lose someone close to you from it.

Maybe just to prove your point you should take up this idea of kissing everyone before you depart. Every time you walk out of a room lay one on your mom, your puppy, your little sister, whoever. Let them know that you're going to miss them so much when they're gone, that you want to get saliva swapped while the gettins good. That'll show 'em.

Hi Katy,
I've been getting drunk every day for the last 6 months. I know I have a problem, but I don't know what to do about it. i don't want to go to AA because they make you find Jesus and I don't want to find Him. What are some alternatives to AA that could help me straighten out my life?
-Alcoholic Albert

Hi Albert,
Excellent question. It's good to see that you recognize that you have a problem and want to do something about it. Unfortunately, I'm not great at giving advice to alcoholics because I've never been one myself. I mean, I've tried, but it really requires a substantial amount of money and time to really get into the nitty gritty of alcoholism so I've had to pass on it.

Don't fret though, I do have a book recommendation which is the next best thing to actual help. It's called Drunkard: A Hard Drinking Life by Neil Steinberg. He's a newspaper columnist who writes about his real-life experience. Spoiler alert: he's an alcoholic.

I question whether or not I should recommend this book to alcoholics because Neil makes a pretty good argument for why being an alcoholic is pretty awesome. In fact, I found myself desiring a good whiskey throughout the whole thing. The good thing is that Neil, too, finds himself having to attend AA by a court order and he doesn't care a great deal for loving Jesus as they want you to. In truth, he doesn't really find alcoholism to be a problem until the last two pages of the book. Give it a shot though and maybe it'll hit home and help plead a case for you to change your life or offer some helpful insights.

Hi Katy,
I'm a man who has a strong Asian fetish. I don't mean that to sound racist, I just love all things Japanese, even romance manga. I have a hard time meeting nice Japanese women, no matter how long I hang out at the library. Where do I find Japanese women (or even Korean)?
-Asian-loving Larry

Hi Larry,
I don't think your question needs to be prefaced by stating you're not racist. Some people just find an uncanny attraction to ethnicities or specific skin types. Some people like fatties -- it's just what it is.

Now, hanging out in the library is a good start, but I can do ya one better. Go to Japan. Don't take that as shocking as it may come, a lot of people do this. In fact, I have a few friends that are head over heals for everything Japan and have made going there their mission in life. One of my friends even has two friends that went to Japan without knowing the language to gush over two guys in a Japanese metal band. While I think these two girls are extremely dim-witted, it's not going to stop me from recommending you do the same, though on a smaller scale.

Unlike the idiots traipsing about Tokyo without any regard for the language or customs of the country they are inhabiting, it might be a good idea for you to first learn Japanese. I can only guess that you know at least something about the country if you're as a big a fan as you claim. Just give it that extra mile, find yourself a job, and in no time flat you'll meet the tiny Japanese woman or man that gives your heart a good pitter-pat. My fee for this advice does require you to send me one Asian baby. Whether it's a boy or girl or yours is up to your discretion, just get me one. I hope to be invited to the wedding!



Thanks all, as always send an e-mail to katy@oneyearintexas.com with your questions and I'll be happy to answer them!