Mailbag Vol. 2 Issue 6

By Glenn and Jake

Welcome to another edition of the OYIT Mailbag. Out of all the emails we get it's hard to pick which ones we should answer. On the one hand, we hate to legitimize our fiercest critics, but we also hate running away from criticism. The one subject we will never tackle is the US atomic bombing of Japan. Some things will never be okay to discuss in public no matter how many decades go by.

Dear Shitstains,
Your article about Ultimate Warrior was real interesting-- in 1992! Why don't you discuss modern professional wrestling or at least the death of WCW in length.
Thanks,
Tony

Tony, if you were trying to imply our debate was dated then kudos to you. You can read a calendar, even if it's one that just has years and the main events of Wrestlemania. Jake would probably enjoy talking more about professional wrestling but wrestling fans are a notoriously unreliable fan base so we prefer to fill our site with debates that will attract Indian Americans. There's no need to talk about WCW because it's a dead promotion. Scott Keith already wrote this book about it that thoroughly explained what went wrong. But looking forward is much more important than trying to figure out who did what.

Hi, I was wondering if you guys were watching the NBA playoffs? If you are what do you think about them and if you aren't then what are you doing instead. I mean, who wouldn't be watching the NBA playoffs? Maybe a blind person, but besides that it just doesn't make a bit of sense to me and I can't even begin to understand.

Nope, no one here watches the playoffs of anything, let alone basketball. We will all, however, gather around the only TV in our small village and watch the NBA Finals. We've watched them every year since the Bulls won the first title of their second three-peat. I believe that was in 1996, though I have no way of knowing now that Michael Jordan's father has been killed. Blind people can play basketball just as well as anyone else; they just can't make shots.

Your website seems to have a lot of useful advice on it. I was hoping that you could help me with a bit of a problem I'm having with meeting the ladies. I've tried a lot of the "classic" pick up lines, and those are only good if you want a sex on the beach thrown in your face. I'd rather HAVE sex on a beach (or even a bed). Could you please give me some suggestions on how to meet ms. right?
-Stanley

This is another question that you meant for Hi Katy but must have accidentally sent it to mailbag. Trying to type in the correct email address into your AOL mail browser must be exceeding difficult. Your first problem is that you are trying to find the "right" person for you. There is no "right" person. There is a person who you try very hard to love and then try even harder to make the relationship work. No one has souls and thus no one has a true soul mate. If you have someone who is willing to put up with your bullshit and you have someone who makes you feel happy for no particular reason, then that is who you should spend the rest of your life with. Try "For a third-world country, you're pretty well-developed."

dear one texas,

i am a firefighter and have been for over 22 years. i was very upset to see you write a column about how firefighters are responsible for starting more fires than they stop. where do you get off accusing me and my friends of starting fires? we only stop them. i have only started one fire in the over 22 years i have worked as a firefighter and it was a small kitchen fire because i was trying to cook something. this fire burned my face off. i hope you need a firefighter when your website catches on fire and none of them come to save you because their faces are too scarred.

Let's get one thing straight: this is an anti-firefighting website before it's anything else. We appreciate it when firefighters put out sexy calendars, but the violence against fires has got to stop. We don't condone any fighting, unless it's highly choreographed or in a cage. If you lit a fire in a cage and then fought it, I would be right by your side cheering. As far as face scarring goes, I find it frightening. When I close my eyes and think about you I see Rocky Dennis' face from the movie Mask. Mask is one of the scariest movies I have ever seen, and not just because I'm afraid of intimacy. Thank you for your comment and please keep reading.

You guys are hilarious! A friend of mine recently had his cat die in a car accident and I showed him your site to cheer him up. He said his favorite part of the site was the either the articles by Mikey or the april fools article. It's important to him and me that we can find ways to laugh even when life is sad. BTW, earlier when I said his cat died in a car accident I meant it got hit by a car, not like it was driving its own car. My friend told me you'd understand what I meant earlier when I typed that but I just wanted to be sure. I'd hate for you to think that he was having his cat drive him somewhere.

Thank you for your kind words. I would never think a cat was driving a car, their legs are too short to reach the pedals. Maybe a tiger could drive a car, but I bet they would blow more stop signs than I do. I think that everybody loves Mikey's articles the most. I personally can't get enough of that lovable guy and his musings. Perhaps your friend could write into Hi Katy in order to get advice on how to properly grieve over his dead non-driving cat. Katy is very good at helping people express their feelings, especially if those feelings are intense morning.

I really liked the article by someone about the things you'd rather do than watch Fast & Furious. It reminded me of an article I wrote about the things I'd rather do than read your website. One is getting a sunburn on my dick. Another is using super glue instead of mouthwash. Another is spending a week with Vin Diesel where we can only talk about filming Fast & Furious. If you haven't gotten the idea yet I hate your site. I read it because if I get diagnosed with a terminal illness it will make death seem not as bad.

That article was written by Maddie, who hates things at a college level. I'm glad you enjoyed her article, as it was very helpful in planning my weekend. I was going to see Fast & Furious, but instead I put Bible verses as my Facebook status all weekend. It was actually the most fun I have ever had. If doing heroin is more fun, then no wonder people get addicted to it. The Bible gets you high, but it's not the kind of high that the teenaged fans of Marily Manson seek. It's enlightening to know the truth: that there is an invisible being who created the world and judges us silently. Now that's a truth I can believe!