Mailbag Vol. 2 Issue 5

By Glenn and Jake

Welcome to yet another issue of Mailbag, one of the least respected features on One Year in Texas. If it's not beloved why do you keep doing it, you might ask. That's simple: we love writing it and reading it 5 years from now.

Dear One Year in Shit,

Wow. I'm the dude that wrote in last mailbag you had about how I stepped on a nail and how the tetanus shots were better than reading your website. Then you published my letter and said you had an aluminum baseball bat with my name on it. Before I insult you further, I would like to know if you meant this literally or figuratively. I do hate your site but this is important for me to know - professionally and personally.

- Cecil Fielder

Hey Cecil, we did not realize that it was you writing that letter last time. In an odd turn of events, we actually do have a Cecil Fielder baseball bat, but it's not aluminum. Instead it's a regulation wooden bat that sometimes we try to hit dingers with. I say try because we're quite bad at baseball. If you weren't my favorite baseball player we'd probably break your legs when we saw you, but since you are we'd just get your autograph and put it next to our Gilbert Gottfried autograph on our wall.

I was searching for A Flock of Seagulls b-sides, demos and live tracks and somehow I ended up on your site. Since I'm a die hard follow of AFoS's philosophy I never just assume things. I don't want to assume that you guys or girls don't have any AFoS material, though it doesn't look like you do. I wanted to write in and ask if you were into AFoS or if you had any AFoS content on your site. If you don't, could you tell me where I could find some b-sides? Those are songs that didn't appear on their studio released albums.

- Alicia, Unofficial AFoS Internet Coordinator

Yes, I do know what b-sides are, Alicia. Here's a link to a collection of A Flock of Segulls b-sides for your listening (and dancing) pleasure. If there's one thing I'm good at it's finding shit on the internet. To answer your other question, I'm not a big fan of of A Flock of Seagulls, but they're okay. They have funny haircuts, and I'm a fan of that. Thanks for the letter, Alicia.

Hello oneyear. Can you please tell me what the fuck this "FML" shit is about? I was able to find out from my teenage cousin that it stands for "fuck my life" but why do I keep seeing this shit all over my Facebook, Digg, Reddit, Stumblr, Tumbler, Facebook, Twitter, Tweetie, Twitterberry and Buzzfeed? And I'm not even bringing up how much it's on blogs, which I also read very frequently. Can you tell me how this started or why people seem to be using it on the internet so much? I'd really like to know if it's cool or not and if it is cool I will start to use it. For example, I will end this letter by using it.

FML,
Tony

Funny thing, Tony, we were going to do a parody of FML at one point, but we decided against it out of laziness, if nothing else. Fuck My Life is a website that women love reading. It's where they can complain (which is a woman's number one hobby) about some situation (like a girl at work saying "ho" or somebody shitting on the bathroom floor) and then saying "fuck my life" at the end of the anecdote. I'll give you a made up sample:

My boyfriend and I were having a threesome with a transvestite just to see what it was like. When my bf snorted coke off his dick I died inside a little bit. I haven't been able to look at him in the same way since then. Fuck My Life.

So yeah, it's stupid, in my opinion.

You're web page is kind of funny. I don't get some of the jokes, like when you talk about the Ugandan Giant Kamala. Is just referencing him funny? It's defnitely not as funny as when he tries to pin somebody when they're on they're stomachs instead of shoulders. That is some seriously funny shit. Kim Chee goes fucking nuts and shit.

For those of you who didn't watch WWF programming in the 1990s, you need to hear about Kamala. You just did, from this reader's letter. Kamala was a big wrestler from Uganda and we think the idea of an "African native" trying to pin someone on their back is self-evidently funny. Merely referencing him in passing is hilarious. Would you rather we mention Ugandan autocrat Idi Amin and his propensity to murder political dissidents? That's not funny.

Dear Oneyearintexas.com,

I found your site on my child's computer when I was searching through his chat conversations to see if he was conversing with child molesters (he's not, but he's getting oral sex from a girl his same age). I don't know how he would even find your site. I know he's always telling us fish puns, and that your site also has fish puns on it, so maybe that's how he found it. What are some of your favorite fish puns?
-Snooping Mom

How old is your son that he's already getting oral sex? This should be concerning you more than fish puns. Fish puns have never led to rapid transmission of STDs or destroyed a young person's fragile self esteem. At worst, they lead to laughter. My favorite fish puns are anything to do with carp, gills or plankton. Jake's so much better than me at doing fish puns so I won't even try. But seriously, quit snooping around your son's computer.

Hey Dummies,
What is your big fucking problem? You guys keep talking about shit like Twitter, Earth Hour, Skype and Coldplay. And what's the deal with this RETARD Mikey? Who is this fucking guy? Please answer me as quickly as you possibly can. Thank you and fuck you.

Mikey is not retarded; he just sees the world in a simpler way than any of us. Some might say this is a better way, but I wouldn't. I personally think he's a high functioning autistic, a disease he contracted from a mercury vaccination a few decades ago. If you're trying to ask why we write about popular things, it's because we want to be popular. The point of creating any form of art - and yes, this website is a form of art - is for people to like it. People like Coldplay, people use Skype and billions of people in the United States alone participated in Earth Hour. If you can make Wolf Eyes, child molestation or whatever obscure shit you're into be popular then we'll write about it.

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As always, send mail to mailbag@oneyearintexas.com.