Hi Katy - Issue XIV

By Katy

Hi Katy,
I recently attended a MLB game for the Chicago White Sox. The game was great and I enjoyed the action. What I did not enjoy was all the swearing the fans around me were doing. My son was with me and he asked me what a 'cock' was on the ride home. What has happened to people's manners?
-Mannered Miles

Hi Mannered,
I know exactly what you mean. I have a great anecdote to match this little story of yours. I even had a picture once, but I think it's a tangible photograph versus the obviously more useful memory card pictures. So, use your imagination.

I was sitting in the bleachers and a foul ball was making it's way to the left field seating and you could see this little boy, probably ten-years-old or so making ready to catch the ball. Everyone around him seemed happy to let him have his moment in the sun, except for this guy, we'll call him Troughbag A, who reaches over the little kid to grab the ball for himself. Everyone sitting around him as well as everyone in my section who saw this take place starts yelling at this Troughbag telling him to give the ball to the little kid, who is clearly about to cry and hides his head in his hands. Troughbag sits down and gets on his CELL PHONE. So, he pretends he's on his cell phone for about thirty minutes as a reasonable excuse to ignore the hatred being hurled his way. I'm not even sure what happened during the game because the hostility around me was much more exciting than the Cardinals kicking the trough out of the Cubs. And the happy ending? There isn't one. Troughbag left the game without even offering the ball to this kid. Needless to say, I'm pretty sure he was jumped outside the gate.

So, what can I say? As far as the swearing I don't think baseball was ever the most mild-mannered of all games, I think we've just widened our list of curse words. In fact, I think it's amazing that your boy was/is unaware of the definition of 'cock.' The blunt truth of the matter is you can only protect your children from the world for so long. If the world is getting worse, it's up to you to instill in your child that manners are still important and just being polite can take you far in life. A great many people still subscribe to the notion of being kind, but there are places, like a baseball game, where those manners are forsaken for a few hours. Everyone needs to let their guard down and just be stupid now and again. If you don't want your child exposed to such chaos, you'll just have to watch the game on ESPN from now on.

Hi Katy,
I'm a young woman who cannot seem to find a date. I'm not that terrible looking, and I think I'm quite fun! I love TV, racquetball, and the band Lifehouse. Do you have any suggestions to help me find a man? (Although I'm not willing to try online dating websites, I had a TERRIBLE experience last time I used one of those.)
-Lonely Lisa

Hi Lisa,
I'm glad that you let me know right off the bat that Internet dating was not something you were looking for, though I think it's important to mention that maybe you shouldn't give up on it solely because of one bad experience. Unless you were raped, that's a pretty bad experience.

My first suggestion is obvious; stop listening to Lifehouse. This will increase the number of males that are willing to be around you and probably add some color to your own life. Don't get me wrong, tears still stream to my eyes upon hearing Hanging By a Moment, but there's a place for nostalgia (real name: Nostalgiaville) and a place for growing up. If you must continue breaking your ears with this dull, droning band, please do so in private.

Next suggestion. I say hit up some sports bars. There are lots of single guys who sit at sports bars for days at a time watching TV. See the connection here? I would pick a few sports bar and schedule your time so that you can spend all, let's say Monday at Sports Bar #1. Tuesday at Sports Bar #2. Wednesday at Sports Bar #3. Make this your schedule for a good couple of weeks until you've had a chance to meet the regulars, BECOME a regular, and then you can watch TV all day with the man of your dreams. If that fails, remember you have the added opportunity of meeting a server or bartender who may be taken with the fact that you spend all day watching Sports Center and that may open up communication between you two. Just please, do not mention Lifehouse.

Hi Katy,
My wife found out that I was visiting the website cakefarts.com. This is a website that features women farting on cakes, birthday or otherwise. She was a little mad at me about it, but she also relentlessly makes fun of me for beating off to it. I didn't even do that. Do you think she will stop making fun of me or has this ruined our relationship?
-Cakefart Clark

Hi Clark,
Well, it has definitly ruined our relationship. Frankly, I don't get the attraction, even if the cakes are very well done.

It's pretty clear that if your wife is relentlessly mocking you for J/Oing to this site, a part of her really believes that you do or have done so. She's feeling insecure that your passion is so disturbing, disgusting, and vile. She probably has no interest in farting on a cake herself and doesn't know how she'll be able to satisfy you, intimately, if you're such a twisted fuck.

You should definitely not visit the site anymore, that much is obvious. In order to help your wife regain a little dignity, you need to make her feel special once more. Maybe your wife has an interest or daily routine that you don't even think to remark on? This could be your chance to say something like, "baby, it's embarrassing to say this, but when you bend down to vacuum that carpet I want to plow you 12 ways to Sunday." Or perhaps, "Watching you arrange your porcelain dolls for the fifth time today reminds me of ramming you until you squeal." What we're going for here is getting your wife's focus off unattainable fetishes you busy yourself with, and showing that everything she does turns you on, and you don't need that silly stuff. Yeah, silly. I'm a big proponent for fetishes, but I have to draw my line somewhere.

If the former doesn't work and she thinks you're just being a pig, then show her www.cakewrecks.com . Tell her that you meant to visit THAT site twenty times a day so you could both share in the hilarity of cake mess ups and that cakefarts was all a misunderstanding. Good luck.

Hi Katy,
I love your article. I bought a box of Fruit Loops with a Star Trek badge contained inside. At least that's what the box said. When I opened it and poured the last bit of cereal out I was struck like a lightening rod on the top of the Sears Tower--there was not a toy inside! What can I do to rectify this situation?
-Fruit Loops Frank

Hi Frank,
Well this sounds like a win/win to me Frank. You were able to enjoy an entire box of delicious cereal without the added burden of trashing a lame Star Trek accessory. But, I'm under the impression that you're loser enough to have wanted that so let's tackle this.

I don't know if you've ever eaten cereal before, but everyone knows when you buy a box for the toy inside you must immediately empty that box and search for the prize. This is good for two reasons. First, you get the instant satisfaction of playing with said toy and two, if it's not there you can complain to the company while contesting that you haven't even eaten any of the cereal. I don't know what that accomplishes, but it gives you something extra to hold over them.

That brings us to my main point which is you have to call the company, in this case Kelloggs, and let them know that this disaster has rained down upon you. I'm pretty sure they'll send you a stupid badge. Enjoy it immensely.

Hi Katy,
I have never been quite able to beat the original Legend of Zelda for the NES. Do you have any surefire tips to help me slay Ganon?
-Linked-in Larry

Hi Larry,
Unfortunately I haven't beaten the original Zelda series. I was never really into it nor the Final Fantasy series for that matter. But enough about me. I did manage to go to my video game experts on this one and here's what they have to say.

VGE1: I think it's arrows, right?
VGE2: Which one, the very first one?
Me: Yeah, the very first one for Nintendo.
VGE1: Yeah, cuz arrows were in all of them
VGE2: But you can't use the regular ones, you have to use silver ones.
VGE1: Yeah.
VGE2: You do have to beat on Ganon a little bit with your sword...
VGE1: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
VGE2: ...before you can hit him with your arrows. That's important. A few sword swings. That makes him change color. I dunno, maybe three [hits] considering it's an NES game. Maybe four, but probably three.
Me: Now is there a specific color that he needs to be?
NGE2: I dunno... a different color? And you shoot some silver arrows and if you don't have a silver arrow yet you're troughed.

So there it is Lar, a solid plan to strike Ganon down. I hope it does you justice.

Hi Katy,
I am fearful. One of my roommates has started getting sick recently after being around Mexican people and now I feel sick, too. We're both young women in New York City where there have been confirmed cases of Swine Flu. I don't know what to do but I'm at least hopeful because Kathleen Siblius was confirmed as Secretary of Health and Human Services. My question is is haing swine flu better than bird flu?
-Sickly Sarah

Hi Sarah,
The first thing you must remember is that people have been returning from Mexico ill for many, many years. My grandmother, in fact, has a real heartwarming story about the dysentery she brought back from Mexico on her honeymoon. Really, it's a right of Mexico visitation passage. I'm just saying, don't get too fearful just yet.

To answer your question though, I'd say having swine flu is much better than bird flu, and I could go on and on all day why, but I'll stick to just a few reasons. Swine flu has swine, bird, and human flu all wrapped up into one. It's a 3-for-1 deal and in the economic bind we're all in right now, who wouldn't jump on that? Why don't you want bird flu? It is sooo yesterday. People don't even remember what bird flu is. If it's not fashionable, it's gotta go. Swine flu is also better because it's very big right now. It's not just national, it's freaking global. That means that several media centers are using this outbreak to cause mass chaos and fear about the disease and if you get it, you can be the new poster child for it! You may not live very long, but nobody's going to live forever and now you can go out with a story instead of dying a lonely old spinster!


Hope you enjoyed today's issue. As always, let me know your troubles and I'll be here to solve them as speedy as possible. Much love.