Hi Katy - Issue X

By Katy

Hi Katy-
I grew up listening to the band Blur and then got into the band Super Furry Animals. Lately, I have not been that into Brit Rock. I mean, I'll listen to the re-united Blur and I liked the new Super Furry Animals, but overall I'd rather listen to Lily Allen, even, over them. Do you have any suggestions in hot new Brit Rock groups that might bring me back around?
-Juxtaposed With U

Hi Justaposed-
I don't give a crap about Brit Rock quite frankly. Someone I know recently forced me to listen to a Lily Allen song at knife point. Not because she wanted to share the appreciation for her libidinous vocals and bod, but because she sadistically delights in the domination of a single song looping in another's brain. WTF? Reading that question just forced the song back into my head. Did I already mention I don't care about Brit Rock? Canadian Rock; that's where it's at. I'm not even really paying attention to what I'm writing. Listen to Mother Mother.

Hi Katy-
I'm a champion rock skipper. What this means is I have a hard time finding a good woman or man. I'm also bisexual. Should I get a new hobby that people actually care about? Also, what is your greatest length in rock skipping (in terms of number of skips)?
-Skipper of Rocks

Hi Skipper-
You should never change yourself just to impress others. You should only change if you find yourself uninteresting or if said change will earn you a great deal of money. Some people call this "selling out," but some people like Nickelback, so why trust their stupid asses?

I think rock skipping is real neat. It trumps the far less superior Rolly Bowlly and they have tournaments for that shit. Extreme Lawn Trimming? More like Extreme Lawn BORING. And Relay Apply Picking? Well--I think you can see where I'm going with this.

You want people to like you for who you are. I mean, I hope there's more to you than rock skipping. If there's not... uhhh... you know. Make it seem really awesome? I'm sure you'll be just fine. You can always live your life in peace with a talking parrot and a stockpile of trophies.

I haven't skipped since I was a kid, but I've been meaning to get back into the life. I'm glad you brought this up. I think my best was probably a mere three skips. I'll get some practice in and get back to you.

Hi Katy-
I've considered writing into your column several times. Unfortunately, my parents found out about OYIT (much like how parents are finding out about Facebook and Twitter) so they visit it daily. I decided to write in anyway because enough parents are reading this site that hopefully mine won't recognize me or my writing style. My problems is what to do with my life after high school in May. I'm thinking about doing AmeriCorps because I want to help people and get money to put towards college, but I read on Fox News that it was like a new "Hitler Youth" program. I don't know what that means but I know I'm against Hitler, being Jewish and the eldest of fifteen children. Should I go for AmeriCorps before college or go straight to college?
-AmeriConsidering

Hi AmeriConsidering-
I'm thrilled to hear that your household in its entirety has been taken by OYIT. What sets us apart from Facebook and Twitter, however, is that parents and the elderly alike have loved OYIT from its inception. Shortly after, their children caught the fever. We're an everyone-friendly site. Thanks for your support.

Moving on. Fox News is half right. Yep, half. Factions of the socioeconomic hierarchy have been working on a Hitler Youth for the past several years, but they're using youth groups from super churches, so don't fret.

I looked into AmeriCorp pre-college. At the time their services were fairly coastal so given my location I couldn't participate. They have since flourished greatly and have spread across America helping communities and college students realize their dreams. You should note that you only get about $3,000 from AmeriCorp, but can you put a price on helping people? Of course you can, but consider how charming this fun fact will appear on a resume. And that's what volunteering and charity is all about.

Oh! And depending on where you end up helping out fellow Americans--you could wander into the slums and make a shady business deal and find a partner in the drug trade. You'll need that extra money to fund a greater portion of your education. Plus, you can continue the lucrative business throughout all four years and be financially prepared for grad school with no lifetime loan paybacks. It's the American Dream.

Hi Katy-
I recently dropped a hefty load of cash to buy what I'm sure is a stolen iPod. The person who sold it to me said it was "hot" and it had an inscription on the back saying "For Hannah on her 16th Birthday." It has a bunch of pictures from what looks like a teenage girl's sweet sixteen party. My questions is: what kind of podcast do you think I should subscribe to?
-Pod-casting Aspersions

Hi Podcasting-
I'm extremely unpopular for my anti-iPod stance. Your question just reminds me how much I hate iPods. I don't even have a valid reason anymore, but I picked a side and I'll be damned if I'll change based solely on practicality an convenience. People don't have principles anymore. Did you know Chris Brown and Rihanna's love taps were over whether or not the Nano was as aesthetically pleasing as the iPod touch? iPods are bad business and Chris Brown's fists are only the beginning of a nationwide cultural crumbling the likes of which we haven't seen since baseball was introduced to the world.

I have a cousin named Hannah, she's nineteen.

The only podcast I'm currently recommending is This American Life. Since I hate iPods I ignore all podcasts, but Ira Glass is never to be without.

Hi Katy-
I bought a pair of X-Ray glasses from the back of a comic book from the 70's. Now that I have said glasses, I feel I have a duty to use them for good and not just looking at snatches on the subway. Yet, I don't really know how seeing through things is going to help anybody. If you can help me think of ways I can be a hero with these glasses you'd life a heavy weight off my chest and I'd be forever in your debt.
-X-Ray

Hi X-Ray-
The only way to be a hero these days is to save people from themselves. Your x-ray glasses would be amazing for that! You can look beyond snatches into colons, lungs, hearts, kidneys, WHATEVER and let people know when they're developing a serious medical ailment.

You know what people hate these says? Cancer. Cancer is the new syphilis (or "The French Disease) and people really hated syphilis. Still do. Imagine how happy you'll make people when you tell them they're dying from cancer! Sure, they'll be saddened and upset at first, but you could very well save lives here. Unless you tell people who already now they have cancer that they're dying, it'll probably come off redundant and kinda jackass-y. But the good far outweighs the bad.

Fly on, new hero. You need to make a name and register here. And get a nemesis! No one has a nemesis anymore.

Hi Katy-
I need you to settle a bet. Me and my bud were playing a high stakes game of Paper Scissors Rock and we got confused as to what beats what. I said that if you throw a rock at paper, it would possible tear. He said that I was just too stoned. I lost thousands of dollars on this game and I really need your help. Also, if you have any good strategy that would be helpful.
-Rock Beats Paper

Hi Rock-
Paper Scissors Rock? You are stoned. Who the frick says that? Everyone and their grandfather knows it's Rock Paper Scissors. This would lead to your clear and obvious confusion about the beating scale. Rock beats paper. Paper beats...well shit. That's stupid. Who comes up with these things? Rock beats scissors. Scissors beats paper. Paper beats rock. While I understand your reasoning to an extent...Rock Paper Scissors has set rules that rely on tradition and integrity. Maybe you shouldn't place money on this anymore.

Strategy. You should do the same thing three times, switch it up for a round, then do the first one three more times. This will really only work if you're both pretty high during the game. It's all about blowing your opponent's mind. Go to it.



Keep e-mailing me your mother freaking questions! I thrive off this column.